


Tenfold

by AlpineGlow



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Complicated Relationships, Domestic Fluff, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Romance, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Found Family, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Jedi Training (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Redemption, Lots of cuddles, Mild Gore, Nightmares, OC Can Beat You Up, OC Is Kind, Slow Burn, Soft Ben Solo, Violence, like a lot, major fluff, very descriptive writing, world building
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 55,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25318129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlpineGlow/pseuds/AlpineGlow
Summary: Nelle Typhrene has lived in peace for twenty-three years on Chandrila, having grown up hearing the stories of the Sith and the Jedi, and the Empire and the Resistance. She has always believed she was destined for more, and longs for a life beyond her simple farming community.Her entire world is turned upside down overnight when she is taken under Kylo Ren's commands to train as a new Force-sensitive individual, despite her desperate pleas that she has never been Force-sensitive.However, Kylo Ren's plans for her begin to extend far beyond what they both ever imagined, as they slowly come to realize how alike they are, in more ways than they could have possibly ever imagined. As she realizes that he may be more than a monster trapped in a mask, secrets from her own past begin to unfold.Getting closer to Kylo Ren, and discovering the secrets of her own past, also means getting to know who he truly is, and the man that he has locked away for years. Sooner rather than later, Nelle finds herself questioning her role in the universe, her abilities, and what it means when her heart and affections for Kylo Ren begin to surface.
Relationships: Ben Solo | Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s), Ben Solo/Original Character(s), Ben Solo/Original Female Character(s), Kylo Ren/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	1. Author's Note and Content Warnings

Hello and thank you so, so much for reading my story!!

First of all, i just want to say that i have come to love this story and it is very near and dear to my heart. it is not perfect, i don't think it ever will be, but i've been working on it for over four months now and it's the only story i've ever come close to finishing. i know it will probably not be everyone's cup of tea, and it takes a while to get the ball rolling, but i hope those that continue do enjoy it!!

Just some heads up before we get into the story...

This story is set three months after the events in The Force Awakens, but book just continues in an alternate universe. While characters like Rey, Finn, Poe, etc. will not make an appearance, there are some others that will!

While there is major fluff, angst, depictions of kissing/cuddling, etc., there will be no smut in this book. If there ever is any, it will be very vague and have little to no detail. It is just something I have never been comfortable writing, so it will not be included in this book. 

also, kylo ren is not portrayed in this books i have seen him in most fanfics, in that he is wildly possessive, lustful, violent, etc... while i can see where that comes from, i wanted to go with a route that was similar to how he acted in the movies/comics. i wanted to portray him in a way where he is constantly wavering between the light and dark, especially after nelle comes along, as well as exploring who he could have been had he survived in tros. :/

In no way do I condone any abusive behavior or actions represented in this book to be things that are to be actually practiced or used in reality. this is a work of fiction, and should be viewed as such, and not a guideline or handbook to how actual relationships work. It is not a representation of how i think relationships should pan out in real life. 

I wanted to be careful with this material and let my readers know that I do not glorify or romanticize any of that behavior... while it is essential to the story and the growth of the main characters, it is something that should be kept strictly in works of fiction. our main characters, kylo and nelle, are enemies at the end of the day, so not everything is mushy gushy at the start. in saying that, it is _also_ an enemies to lovers story, so everything will be a slow burn while also learning and growing from each other. 

some specific warnings for the content of this story:

_* light physical abuse (kylo ren being kylo ren, i could say)_

_* a chapter that features torture (not kyloXoc)_

_* violence/mild gore_

_* sexual tension (ditto)_

_* light use of language_

_* some degrading speech_

_* depictions of an anxiety attack_

_* conversations surrounding topics of angst, abuse, sex, etc._

_* oc is very sensitive and wrestles a lot with her circumstances, so many chapters feature her take on the situation at large... can include emotional breakdowns, flashes of anger, etc._

so if these are things could be upsetting or triggering to you, i would advise you to take caution when reading the chapters. in saying that, i will include **content warnings** **at the beginning of every** **chapter**. :) it is never my intention to cause anyone harm while reading my story, but i can totally understand if something may rub someone the wrong way. 

In saying all of that, i am as always open to both constructive criticism and feedback. honestly critiques are great for me because i know i can always improve. 

Every like, vote, and even view is special to me. again, thank you so much for reading and i hope you enjoy Tenfold!

love, hannah. :)


	2. Prologue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A very brief introduction to Nelle's character... and the beginning of a mystery she tries to solve her whole life.

* * *

“The Jedi were the peacekeepers of the Old Republic. They maintained order and balance, and helped keep the galaxy in harmony for thousands of years. They could make objects float and they wielded powerful weapons called lightsabers.”

  
Several Chandrilan children oohed and aahed, as the elderly woman sat in front of them drew a wooden replica of a lightsaber from her bag. Their eyes widened, and several children scooted closer to get a better look.

  
The elderly woman chuckled. “For many generations they kept the peace. But the Empire rose from its ashes in the form of Darth Sidious and his apprentice, Darth Vadar.” She revealed a flat, wooden piece that reflected the Sith’s lord mask. One child squeaked in fear and shuddered behind the shoulders of another Chandrilan child. “They ruled the galaxy with terror, and wiped every Jedi from every planet. It was only due to the Rebel Alliance, fronted by the last Jedi Luke Skywalker, that the Empire was defeated. For years now, the galaxy has lived in peace once again. There is no threat from those that once terrorized us... but we still need those peacekeepers. The Jedi.”

  
She drew a lightsaber in the dirt, then another, and another one. “They keep the Force in balance. The universe in balance, that is. And from what I hear, Luke Skywalker is training a group of young jedi who are strong with the Force, and I-”

  
A young girl, about five or six, shot up in the crowd of children, hands on her hips. She had wild, unruly light brown hair that reached her tan shoulders, with two buns tied on the top of her head in ratty-looking ways. Her stormy grey-blue eyes were locked on the elderly woman, narrowed slightly in concentration. As soon as she was up, her mouth opened to speak.

  
“I want to train with Luke Skywalker! I can be strong with the Force, too!” She called, stomping one foot on the ground. Several children started to giggle around her, and she didn’t seem to like the attention, the old woman thought to herself. But she had stood up; it had taken some courage from her.

  
The older woman smiled. “Nelle, come forward, please.”

  
The young girl gulped, and slowly made her way through the crowd. When she was in front of the older woman, she sat down criss-cross in front of her. The older woman took one of her hands and grasped firmly.

  
She spoke so only Nelle could hear. “Sweet child, you must know something. While we are all surrounded by the Force, as it moves in and through us, there are only some that can use it like the Jedi. It is okay to dream, but you must also be realistic. There has never been a soul in this village that has been strong with the Force, and I doubt that day will come soon.”

  
The old woman could see the evident disappointment on the child’s face, but she needed to hear the truth. She dismissed her and the other children, and they scattered throughout the village, reenacting stories of the Rebellion and the Empire until they were old enough to grasp their actual realities, and the work of farming, trading, and raising a family that was required. Little did the older woman know that the young girl had slunk back, retrieving the wooden lightsaber and carving one of her own in its likeness.

  
And Nelle persisted.

  
She practiced in secret, keeping that dream alive by continuing to carve her own lightsabers out of wood and finding time in the dead of night to practice her moves. They were not perfect, and she had no one to train her, but the dream, the feeling, still lingered. It pushed her forward and kept her going, and although it soon became a “childish dream” of hers, a nagging, uneasy feeling always persisted at the back of her mind, and never left. That, and the eerie, cold, seemingly familiar presence she has always felt deep within her soul, a connection that was longing to be fulfilled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! 
> 
> after watching tros, i was really disappointed with kylo/ben's arc, so that became my main inspiration for starting this story in april. i wanted to present him in a way i don't see him often portrayed in many fanfictions, in that i wanted to follow his own journey of redemption as nelle, our main character, tries to figure out who she really is. i really wanted to present kylo as this tortured, confused figure opposed to an abusive, manipulative creature, while also delving deep into my oc's background and story. it's a story that is now very close to my heart and has taught me a lot about my own writing/writing style. 
> 
> it is not perfect by a long shot... it is nearly completed but i find myself constantly rewriting scenes or deleting chapters. but i am very proud of it and i hope you enjoy reading it as much as i did writing it. 
> 
> it's a slow burn in all aspects, but i promise it's worth it. enjoy <3


	3. Seized

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nelle's dreams of a new, enriched life come true... in the worst way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw//: minor violence/death

I was born seven years after the events of the Death Star and the fall of the Empire, the Sith, and everything they stood for. Or so we thought. 

My mother and father lived on Chandrilla, a seemingly neutral planet among the threat of the rising First Order. 

It was beautiful, and in my twenty three years of living on the planet, I never tired of it: relishing in the feeling of warm sunlight, basking by wide open rivers. The rolling hills always calmed by heart, whenever the slightest bit of anxiety would flutter in. 

My mother and father were kind, and always had been. We enjoyed taking walks on the rolling hills, cultivating our farmland until our arms and legs burned with the effort. And more than that, we enjoyed each other's company. While most young women of my age would have married and moved away with their family, my sights had never been set on someone, and so I had stayed with my parents. They were happy about that fact, too, since I was their only child. 

We lived in a small village just a few hours from where the start of the New Republic once lay. 

Now, it was a city overgrown with foliage and collinated mostly by travelers, tourists, and native animals. Our village out in the wilderness was small, but it had been here many generations, so our houses, farmland, and mechanic systems were of the most benefit to us. Our houses and beds were comfortable, we always had food in our bellies, and our community was joyful. Nothing had happened in twenty three years that would signal rebellion or war. 

I would say I was perfectly content, but it was never fully true.

As long as I lived as a farmgirl on Chandrila, I don’t think I ever would be. 

. . . . 

A loud crash. A sharp jolt to my shoulders. That was all it took for me to open my eyes, blindly peering through the dark of our small house. There was only one room, my parents bedroom, in the house, besides the entryway which held our kitchen, living room, and fresher. When I didn’t want to fall asleep on the porch under the stars, I slept on the couch. It wasn’t too comfortable, or private, but it was what we had. And I made do. I was just thankful I had a safe place to lay my head.

It was still night, probably a few hours before sunrise, and even the campfires in the village seemed to have gone out. Beyond our wide windows, I couldn’t even see the twinkle of stars overhead.

“Nelle, get up. We have to go, _now_.”

It was my mother, or at least I heard her voice. I had never heard her speak with such urgency, and was that fear I also sensed in her tone? Panic rose in my throat, an unfamiliar feeling.

As I swung my legs over the couch, dressing in my day clothes as fast as I could, I heard movement across the room. A small flame appeared in the form of a candle at the edge of the room, and I could make out the shape of my father’s face. He looked worried, a facial expression I had only seen him wear just a number of times. From this angle, I could see beads of sweat forming on his forehead, and as he was gathering things into a sack, I noticed an unfamiliar item attached to his belt. A blaster.

I was about to speak, ask him why and where he had gotten the weapon, but felt my mother’s firm fingers at my arm. 

“Pack your things, Nelle. We have to leave, now.” Her voice was frantic, but quiet, like she was trying not to reveal her distress.

“Mom, what’s happening? What’s going on?” I asked, slipping on my boots and rising to stand. 

My parents exchanged a quick glance at each other, and in their eyes they held unspoken, secret things. There was something happening beyond their worried expressions, questions I suddenly wanted answered. But it was my father who spoke, talking to me at an arm’s length, like he was afraid to touch me. 

“The First Order is here.”

I felt an uneasy chill rise up my spine, making its way to my arms and neck. For a moment I felt like I couldn’t breathe. 

_The First Order, here? In all my years, I have only heard stories about them. What were they doing here, of all places?_

I suddenly felt hands on my face, caressing the spots right next to my eyes. It was my father, and he had such a calm gaze in his eyes it equally frightened and comforted me. 

“Don’t dwell on the fear, sweetheart,” he spoke, his husky voice soft in the dim light. “Rise above it.”

It was something my parents had said to me for years. Whether it was learning to swim for the first time, having to kill an animal for a meal, or whatever the case was... they repeated it time and time again. But this time it felt wrong, being used here under these circumstances. I didn’t want to dwell on the fear, but I couldn’t stop the feeling of panic beginning to rise in my throat. I couldn’t let them see, for their sake and for mine. 

_Show them you’re strong,_ I had to keep repeating to myself.

So I took my dad’s hand, hugged my parents, squeezing them tight until I felt like we all might break. 

And it was still too short. 

We gathered the last of our necessities, hauled our packs on, and scrambled from the back door of the house. Outdoors, a slight chill rose in the night. There was still no sign of the sun, and the full moon felt more threatening than usual. To my suprise, the rest of the village still appeared to be sleeping. There were no other families that I could see running for the hills, the little belongings they could carry bouncing on their backs. In fact, it seemed like we were the _only_ people leaving. I thought about my best friend, Strilla, asleep in her house just a few yards away. 

More panic rose in my throat, and I pushed back a sob. 

“Dad, what about everyone else? Strilla?” My deepest companion’s name on my lips suddenly made me want to rip free of their grasps. “We need to warn them... how did you know?”

But before he could answer, a blue string of light flashed past us and exploded in a nearby fence post. A blaster shot. 

I couldn’t help but scream. My hands hit smooth soil as I tried to cover myself, scrunching my body close. But I felt two strong arms yank me upwards, almost painfully, and my parents and I sped through the village. 

As more blaster shots appeared, I could sense the rest of the village beginning to wake up. Lights flickered on, people with weapons started to appear in their doorways. I heard some farm animals start to make frantic, panicked sounds, and loud hooves smashed against soil and dirt. Some people screamed and fled from their houses with their backs bare. Some stayed indoors, and I could hear them slamming their doors and windows shut, sealing themselves inside. 

I stumbled blindly with my parents on either side of me, trying in at least some way to shelter me from the terror. In our dash, I could see flashes of black and white, shiny and luminescent off the torches of the village: _stormtroopers._

I had only seen them in holographic images, or drawings that the elders of our village made. In person, they sent such terror up my spine I felt scared to take further steps, frightened I might collapse in fear. But my parents kept tight grips on my arms, hoisting me forward out of the village. We were trying to make it into the woodlands, I understood in the midst of the chaos. Perhaps they planned to hide out there until the First Order had finished with our village, burned it to the ground and took all of our belongings. 

But what could we come back to? What would we call home?

The questions blurred in my mind when a familiar voice lashed out among the calamity. Strilla. 

Only a few yards from us. She was leaning over the body of someone, I couldn’t tell who, her back arched and shaking in agony. Stormtroopers were gathering around her, and one with a red mark on his shoulder grabbed her by the arm, yanking her to her feet. 

I stopped in place, my feet digging into the dirt, my every contact on her. I could feel my parents’ fingers on my arms, their voices shouting at me, but everything had blurred except Strilla.

Even from where I was standing, with the blaster fire creating a haze around me, I could make out the stormtrooper’s blaring words:

“Where is the Force-user? Where are they?” The question came out more as a yell. The commander had a tight grip on the front of Strilla’s cloak, and he pulled her closer as she struggled. I couldn’t hear her, but the look on her face and desperate shake of her head told me she wasn’t giving him the information he needed. And that was enough for him. 

As quick as lightning, a blaster emerged from his side and tore a hole through Strilla’s head. She dropped limply to the ground, blood pooling from the mortal wound in her skull, staining the dirt red. 

I let out a scream, my throat hurting with the impact. I struggled against my parent’s grip, fighting until I was free, and then ran forward. I had no plan, no form of attack or weapon; I just knew I had to get to her.

People were darting around me, their faces filled with fear and the torches they carried illuminating the scenes around me. I felt someone’s shoulder smack into mine, sending us both tumbling to the ground. My face smacked the dirt, and I tasted blood in my mouth from the impact. But my body was pumping adrenaline, and I pushed myself to a standing position, fighting to get to Strilla. 

Even from a few feet away, it didn’t fully register with me that she was gone. But I couldn’t reach her; someone blocked my path. 

A stormtrooper wielding a spinning, bat-looking weapon advanced on me, turning the corner where I had just planned to cross. I choked back a cry, falling to my backside harshly, scrambling back with every ounce of strength I had left. But he had stopped short, and let someone else, a massive, towering beast of a person, come in front of him. 

The humanoid was dressed in all black, dark, flowy robes that melted at their feet and concealed their figure. A helmet of the same color was adorned on their head, and the shiny, metal details around their eyes hid anything from my view. The figure only glanced down at me for a second, showing no emotion or remorse.

It felt like all the blood in my body had turned the ice, the flames that engulfed surrounding houses now melding into the night sky. Waves of orange and crimson danced beyond my eyes in slow-motion, the screams of terror and cries of anguish buzzing in my eardrums, as the only thing I could focus on was him. 

This monster.

But, somehow, I felt something, and not just an intense fear for this unknown man in front of me. For a moment I felt anger, confusion, but it didn’t feel like my own. Part of him felt familiar to me, and it horrified me.

“This is the one. Take her.” The voice was deep and rough, concealed and transformed by the robotic mask. 

Confusion warped in my mind, the pain of Strilla’s murder still raw. 

_Me? What do they need me for?_

The trooper with the spinning weapon leaned down, grabbed me roughly by the arm, and lifted me to my feet. Another trooper ripped my pack from my shoulders, and as I cried out, I noticed they didn’t toss it to the ground, giving me some sort of comfort that I was not stripped of all my belongings. 

I heard my mother’s voice, screaming my name. “Let her go! Nelle! Don’t take her, _please!_ ”

But I couldn’t see my parents, and I inwardly cursed myself. I should have never run after Strilla. I was safe with my parents. They had known exactly what to do. 

And so I fought, kicked and screamed and flung my arms with every last remaining ounce of strength I had. But the troopers were tough, and deflected my movements with ease as they guided me through the village. A sob rose in my throat as we passed burning houses, one of them my own, along with our entire piece of farmland we had so dedicatedly cared for. 

Bloodied, twisted bodies littered the ground, screams rose in the night sky, and just as we were nearing a massive shuttle, the sun peeked over the rolling hills. If it had been any other day, it would have comforted me. But in this setting, it gave light to the horrors of the night. 

I tried to peek over my shoulder, trying to find my parents. Just to see their faces one more time. But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried. Even with my endurance and stamina from years of farming and working outside, I was no match for the troopers. 

The last glimpse of Chandrila I had was the sun beginning to stream over the hills, the hills that I longed to run over, the ones that beckoned my name even after my feet left the soil. The golden rays were soft, caressing glows over the horror and calamity that had ensued in my home. 

Memories rang through me, threatening to push me over the edge. One in particular stuck out to me, burning at my chest. 

It had been the coldest winter we had seen in years, and my eight year old self was foolish enough to go outside, right to the border of the woods that surrounded our village. I didn’t even realize how cold I was, too confused with the presence in my head, the one that was telling me to _do what is right, you know what to do_. The same voice had been in my head for years, but the older I got the worse it became. At fifteen, I had felt it again, that and the coldest I had ever felt. I was in bed for days with a raging fever, and even the doctors in our village and surrounding areas had no idea what had brought it on. 

But I knew. 

I knew there was something wrong, with whatever, whomever, I felt this connection with, and it terrified me. From that moment on, the connection lessened, and grew cold, but it was there.

It was always there. 

I had felt my mother pull me back inside, wrapping a blanket around my shoulders, not realizing I had been standing at the border of that forest for hours. She had scolded me, telling me how sick I could’ve gotten if I had stayed out. I had apologized, but I had never meant it. I had felt the pull of that connection grow so much it was nearly too intense, and that’s why I had strayed out. I never told my parents, or anyone else, that I believed it was the Force calling me, guiding me to my purpose. But then I would feel guilty, or silly, and forget about it for months, even years.

Part of me felt an immense weight as we boarded the ship that it was my fault. Maybe they had made a mistake in taking me, but they _had_ taken me. I couldn’t deny I had felt a connection to the Force... but was any of it real? Was I the reason for so many deaths and lost things this dreadful night?

The pain and agony hit me like a tidal wave, and my vision blurred. I felt myself slump forward before a trooper caught me, forcefully leaning me into a seat aboard the ship. The last thing I felt was a cold, harsh pressure around my wrists, restraining my hands from free movement. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! i promise future chapters will be longer- as i've already written 25+ chapters ;)
> 
> some things:
> 
> i know not all blasters cause bleeding, most just cauterize the wound, but i did some research and some actually cause bleeding(in Strilla's case)! just a little nugget for ya. ;)  
> i tried to keep the kylo ren in this story as realistic to the movie/comic book version of kylo ren as possible. i wanted to keep his humanity as well as his affinity and pull to the dark side, and not just write him as i have seen a lot of fanfiction authors portray him as(which is perfectly fine anbd understandable; no hate to them! i just wanted to portray him in a different light), and not just the possessive, dominant personality, but someone deeper, conflicted, and torn, who wavers between the light and the dark.  
> also! this story takes place about three months after tfa, and from then on, it's basically an alternate universe. so essentially, while i absolutely love reylo, and i plan on writing my own version of episode nine eventually, rey/poe/finn, etc., are not in this story. but we will see several other characters make an appearance. ;)


	4. Steel Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a place like the First Order, not everything is what it looks like on the surface.

Before I opened my eyes I could feel the cold. The smooth, numbing sting of metal and steel prodding and encasing my skin. It began to feel suffocating, so I forced my eyelids open.

I was trapped upright in some sort of metal contraption, my hands forced against my sides and my feet grounded to the floor. I tried to inch my head forward, but an object around my throat stopped me. My body stung in multiple places: my backside where I had stumbled the night before, bruises on my arms from both my parents and the stormtrooper’s tight grips. I’m sure I looked worse, especially after being caked in dirt, tears, and my own sweat. My cheeks felt sticky, but I couldn’t touch them to figure out what it was. My head felt like it was about to explode, there was such a great pressure. It felt unnatural, and I didn’t remember hitting my head.

I tried no longer to pay attention to what injuries I may have sustained, so I glanced at the room around me. With my limited field of vision, I could make out a small, circular room with dark, shiny walls and floor. The ceiling above me glowed a concerning red, streaks of it and white spread to the sides of the room. It was silent save for a gentle hum, and in a way, it both terrified and comforted me after last night's chaos. 

Something whirred behind me and I found my hands furling into fists. Footsteps made their way around me until a tall man stood in my field of vision. Standing at a modest height, the young man had slicked red hair and deathly pale skin, as if he had lived in space his whole life. He was dressed in what I could only identify as a First Order officer’s uniform, all stiff and black. Something about the way his lip curled into a smirk at the sight of me made nausea rise in my throat.

“Nelle Typhrene.” 

Hearing my own name on his chapped lips made anger boil in my veins. But he seemed unconcerned, and simply cocked his head as he asked, “That is your name, correct?”

I didn’t want to nod, to let him know he was right. I was in the hands of the First Order, and I had only heard stories of what they did to prisoners. The least I could do was maintain the last shred of dignity I had left.

But he seemed satisfied with my lack of response, as he swept a hand through his greasy hair and said, “I am General Hux, an officer of the First Order and commander of this ship.”

“Where are my parents?” I croaked, feeling how dry my throat had become.

“Back in their pathetic village, I assume. Mourning the losses of the traitors you call  _ friends.” _

I had always been sensitive, quick to cry or show my emotions. I had my parents to thank for that. So I wasn’t surprised when hot tears pricked at the back of my eyes. 

_ He could very well be lying... but how else would I know? _

I gulped. “What am I doing here? Why did you take me?”

“The First Order has been looking for soldiers to take part in snuffing out the Rebellion for years now. They have caused enough havoc as it is, with the destruction of Starkiller Base and all. Supreme Leader Snoke ordered that we particularly look out for Force sensitive beings, and in your case, you’re quite lucky.”

My brows furrowed. “L-lucky? How am I lucky?”

“Kylo Ren was able to sense you among the crowd of villagers. From what he told me, he was able to sense you before we even  _ landed _ . He believes you to have untapped Force abilities... not strong, perhaps, but we won’t know until you are tested. I for one doubt it, given your...  _ environment. _ ” 

I gulped again, curling my toes. I knew that name, from stories, from tales that caused nightmares for the children in my village... He was the masked man in black from last night.

Hux continued, “If you do not comply to begin the testing, you will be executed. However, if you comply, you will receive the honor that comes from working with the First Order.”

More nausea rose in my throat. 

_ Me, Force sensitive? How does he know for sure? _

My eyes rose back to him, trying to keep a straight face. He, too, had a straight look, awaiting my response. How could I say no? He could kill me right then and there, and from the looks of it, it seems as if he would enjoy it.

More thoughts swirled in my mind, the most poignant being of my family.

I straightened, swallowing hard. “What of my family?”

The smirk rose greater on his face. “If you comply, your family will be spared. However, if you do not, you will get to witness their execution yourself. And then you will die a traitor to the First Order.”

“How do I know you’re not lying?”

His eye twitched. “You don’t.”

A tear pricked my eye, and I blinked hard to get it away. I had to make a choice, regardless of if he was lying or not. I knew the choice that would save my parents. 

“Okay.”

I couldn’t tell if he was angered or relieved by my decision, because he simply nodded and strode from the room, leaving me alone in the dark room. Tilting my head back, I let out a shaky breath I had been holding. I wanted to cry, scream, punch my way out of my restraints just to be able to  _ feel _ something. I had never felt this alone, or defeated. I had been blessed with a joyful, easy life, among my friends and family. I had never struggled to see the ones I loved murder, or the only place I called home burnt to ashes. I supposed now it would all become a distant memory, a fantasy I could only hope to return to. 

I felt tears stream from my eyes, down my cheeks, wetting my neck. I let them fall, letting out quiet sobs in the intense silence of my holding cell. Pressure built behind my eyes, the emotions and guilt I felt from the past day sinking in deeply, holding me captive. I tried to remember what my parents always said:  _ Don’t dwell on the fear, sweetheart. Rise above it. _

But I could not see a way to rise above it this time in the face of everything that had happened. I only felt terror, and the deep ache that had begun to worm its way into my chest. 

I hadn’t realized how long I had been crying when the door  _ whooshed _ open again, followed by slow, intense footsteps. I wanted to wipe my face, not reveal to whoever it was that I had cried, letting my weaknesses show. But I sniffed deeply, and looked straight ahead, ready for the next thing.

It was him. Dressed in the same black robes he had been in the night before. The same eerie, metal mask that hid all features and emotions from whoever lay underneath the dark clothing. He stood just a few feet in front of me, his hands clenched to his sides, his emotions unreadable. Towering above me, with his broad shoulders and barrel chest, I felt tiny. My legs felt like putty, and I was thankful for once for the metal chair holding me upright.

“You know who I am.” The deep, robotic voice rumbled in my chest.

It wasn’t a question. 

“Yes,” I croaked out weakly, and cleared my throat, not wanting to reveal my intense fear. I repeated, hopefully stronger this time, “Yes.”

The masked man’s head slowly swiveled to the side, looking in the direction of the wall instead of me. In a way, it eased my fear, but trepidation still crawled up my spine. He was silent for many moments, and I was unsure as to what to do. 

_ Was he going to kill me?  _

His head swiveled back to me, the shiny metal boring into my skin. 

“When I saw you on Chandrila, I sensed your power immediately. You are strong with the Force.” I didn’t know what to say, and as I tried to croak out the words, he put a hand up, one gloved finger pointing at me. “You haven’t witnessed your true power, not yet. You haven’t been provoked to the point where it traps you. But you will be, and you will see it for yourself.”

My brows furrowed, and I felt strong enough to speak. “W-what do you mean? I’m not strong with the Force.”

“You’ve been wanting to leave that planet for a long time, haven’t you? It never would have satisfied that longing you’ve always felt... The longing to be  _ more _ .”

I blinked. “H-how-”

“You know the truth. You were never meant to stay a sweet, little farmgirl, were you? There has always been a desire to be something  _ better, _ ” He spat the words.

Something about his words rang true. Deep down, in places of myself I didn’t let linger, I had felt a pull. A strange, foreign pull that cut me off from those around me and made me feel like I was alone in my sentiment. And his words scared me. I didn’t want to find out those things about myself, the ones that scared me, that eerie pull to the dark. How he felt familiar to me, like a ghost that had been over my shoulder my whole life, understanding my need for closure and answers.

I felt anger bubble in my veins, and before I knew it, before I had even realized what I was doing, I yelled, “Take me back home, I don’t want to be here anymore. Let me GO!”

And then, without any movement from my captor, I felt invisible fingers on my head. They pressed down, squeezing my skull. I winced, letting out a cry of pain, squeezing my eyes shut. 

“ _ Please, _ ” I begged through sobs. “Please just let me go home.”

And then I saw a flash of an image, as if I were seeing it in front of my very eyes. It was as vivid and vibrant as if I were actually seeing it in person. While the dull surroundings were blurred, I saw a young boy, probably seven or eight, with a mess of shaggy black hair on his head. A wide smile grew on his face, and his copper eyes lit up when he laughed. 

And then it was gone, as well as the grip on my head. I coughed, opening my eyes, and cast a slow glance back at Kylo Ren. But he was gone, and the only thing I heard were his intense footsteps behind me and the  _ whoosh _ of the door closing. 

Hours passed, I’m not sure how many, and in all that time, my head was still ringing with confusion as to what had happened. With my capture last night, my conversation with Hux, and then Kylo Ren... and that image. 

I had never seen that boy before. Perhaps I had just daydreamed too hard, or Kylo Ren was messing with my head. I had heard stories of how he infiltrated people’s minds, could make them see whatever he wanted them to. Whatever it was, my stomach felt unsettled for the rest of the time standing there.

A stormtrooper arrived a little while later, releasing me from my restraints and confining my hands in metal shackles. Taking me by the bicep, he led me through and out the doors of my holding cell. The hallways we walked through were dark, walls, roof, and floors made of the same shiny metal. Small droids whirred past us and other stormtroopers carrying blasters passed by. As we walked through the chilling hallways, I cast a glance at the trooper. 

“Where are we going?” I asked hesitantly, not wishing for a slap or kick from the trooper. 

But he seemed more placid than the others I had interacted with, and simply said, “General Hux has requested your presence.”

I fought the urge to roll my eyes. 

_ Great, him again. _

He wasn’t worse then Kylo Ren, but something about his demeanor made me squirm. 

“Do you know why?” I ventured to ask.

“The general did not say. I am only to escort you.”

It didn’t take us long to reach our destination, and in that time, the trooper holding me had been exceptionally kind compared to anyone else I had met. He brought us to a door, where two other troopers stood guard. Before he let me go, I turned quickly, mouthing a  _ thank you _ . I wasn’t sure if he saw it, or even appreciated it, but I wanted him to know anyways. I hadn’t witnessed one shred of kindness since last night, and while they certainly didn’t deserve it, I couldn’t help but feeling like maybe I could do something to change this place. Even if it was just me, in small moments. 

The two new troopers led me through sliding doors into a large gathering room. A long, dark table with eight or nine chairs on either side extended to the full length of the room, and the walls encasing the room were clear, allowing me full vision of-

“ _ Space _ .” I couldn’t help but softly breathe out the word. 

The stars were numerous, more numerous than I had seen on any night on Chandrila. We were floating, drifting through the galaxy on a huge ship. I knew I had been in space before, once or twice in my life, but I was too young to remember any of it.

But my awe was short-lived, as I looked around the room and realized who else was there. 

General Hux, with the same smirk as ever, stood with his hands behind his back at the back end of the table. Seated next to him, his face concealed, was Kylo Ren. Five other people sat at the table as well, all of different races of human or species of alien. A male Twi’Lek with dark green skin, a dark-skinned female human with purple eyes, a Clawdite, and two other male humans. They all stared at me as I walked in, their eyes narrowed, some with amused smirks on their lips. They didn’t look friendly in the slightest, or reminiscent of anyone I had grown up knowing on Chandrila. 

General Hux straightened. “Typhrene. What a pleasure that you could join us.”

_ I didn’t really have a choice. _

As soon as I thought it, a sharp pain at the back of my head ensued. I tried not to look obvious, only digging my fingernails into my palms to fight the pain, trying to control the way my nose twitched. 

The pain was familiar, but not like the headaches I would get back at home. 

My eyes wanted to cast a look at Kylo Ren, send icy daggers in his direction, but I stopped out of pure fear. Instead, the troopers sat me down in a seat next to the green Twi-lek, and moved to step back at their original positions at the doorway.

“As I was saying,” Hux continued. “Supreme Leader Snoke wants the best of the best to be trained in the ways of the Force, for the army of the First Order. That is why you have been chosen and brought here to us. You will begin testing tomorrow, with a basic assessment of your physical and mental abilities. When, and only  _ when, _ you have passed, you will begin a series of mental and physical training exercises.” Hux started pacing, and I let my eyes slowly follow his movements. “These exercises will be carried out by Commander Ren himself and several highly trained individuals. You will be taught combat skills, defensive maneuvers...  _ anything _ that means you succeed in your missions.”

The way he said it made my skin crawl, and I fought to quench a shiver in my body.

“From there you will be trained to carry out the orders of Supreme Leader Snoke.” Hux leaned forward, planting his hands on the glassy surface of the table. 

“You have sworn your allegiance to the First Order because of this. Break that trust, and you will find yourself wishing you were dead long ago. However, proving your usefulness to the Supreme Leader will earn you undivided respect in the First Order, and you may even find yourself one day commanding an army.” 

I felt fear prickle up my arms with the more words he said, and the rest of his statement did not help: “Today begins the first day of the rest of your life. Comply, and it will be easy. Disobey, and you will face the consequences... Dismissed.”

I wanted to stand, to run and run so I could find my family or get off this blasted ship, but I stayed seated, waiting for instruction. The other five were escorted by troopers around me, and Hux even began to leave the room. As he stepped out, the doors  _ whooshed _ closed. For the time being, I was alone with Kylo Ren. 

I felt sweat start to form on the back of my neck, and my mouth felt dry. I was looking straight down at my hands, waiting for a trooper to escort me out or something just to get me away from  _ him _ . I couldn’t look at him, not after our earlier conversation, not when he had caused me pain, confusion.

The room was silent except for the constant humming of the starship itself. My hands began to tremble, and I clenched them tight, fighting, praying for release from this situation. 

It was as if he heard me. 

“Get up.”

I stood in a hurry, clumsily rising to my feet and stepping away from the chair. A nagging pulse splayed on my hand, and with a small hiss of pain, I realized I had caught it on the lip of the table. I still kept my gaze downward, not wanting to look at him out of fear at what he would do to me. I heard him rise, pushing his chair back, those same footsteps slowly approaching me. 

If he was breathing, I couldn’t tell; it was if his helmet masked that element of his humanness too. Who knows, he could very well not be a human at all. Maybe even part droid, I wondered.

“Follow me,” he said simply, the robotic undertone cutting into my chest. He turned, and I followed a few steps behind him back into the metal hallways. 

We walked for a little ways, cutting corners and not passing as many troopers as I would have thought. Kylo Ren walked in front of me, his long robes stretched out behind him, his shoulders taunt and his masked head high. The hallway seemed to get smaller too, every now and then a small window revealing what stars and planets were held outside. I began to feel restless, and hungry, and tired. That same ache of sadness and anger began to dig at my chest again.

Was this my life now? All steel surroundings and cold, recycled air?

Some time later, we arrived at a small doorway, and after entering in a code on the panel beside it, it slid open. Kylo Ren stepped aside partly, as if letting me inside. I stopped slightly in front of him, hoping to be able to ask the question with my eyes. 

“These are your quarters. You will return here after every training and briefing session. No one else is allowed in your quarters besides assigned personnel. You will have escorts to and from your room, and you are to remain in your quarters unless otherwise assigned. Am I clear?”

The words struggled to form in my throat, so I simply nodded. 

His stance didn’t change, but I felt a deep sense of fear inside of me. 

“Am I clear?” He repeated, harsher this time.

A sudden strength rose in me, and I raised my chin to look directly into his mask. 

“Take me home.”

I could hear him, for the first time, take a deep breath from within the mask. That same intense pressure made its way to the back of my head again, and I winced against it. I looked down at the floor, at the same time seeing Kylo Ren’s hand scrunching in his glove.

“This is your home now. I don’t want to have to kill you.”

“Kill me anyways. I won’t fight for you. Or the First Order.”

I wanted to save my parents, from any fate that the First Order would cause them. But hearing Hux’s words, and knowing what an organization like this did to simple farming communities, I wondered if they were even alive. 

The pain increased, like a fire through my skull, and I collapsed on my knees screaming. I dug my forehead against the cool ground, aching for any sense of relief. 

“You’ll learn your place. For now, you will only answer to me.”

I swallowed, hard. “What about-”

“ _ Only  _ to me.”

I felt tears in my eyes. “Yes, sir.” 

The pain vanished, and I quietly let out a relieved breath. I felt gloved hands dig into my arms as he pulled me upright, although my knees wobbled beneath me. 

“There's no need for formalities. You will call me by my name.”

“Yes... Kylo Ren.”

I seemed to have gained some approval with him at that very moment, because he motioned me to the room and let me be. He bent forward to remove my restraints, his rough leather gloves brushing my skin.

Once the restraints were off, I rubbed my wrists, and unconsciously muttered, “Thank you.”

My words seemed to have surprised him, like he was unused to hearing them. They did much to myself, and I suddenly felt very nervous for having spoken them. He just stood there, silently, and then with a brush of his cloak on my arm and the sliding of the door closed, he was gone.

The room was modest, with white walls and a shiny floor and ceiling. A small bed lay parallel to the wall, and a bedside table lay next to it. Besides that, there was a small desk and chair, and a window that showed the open expanse of space. It wasn’t much, and it did not feel like home in the slightest. My pack was under the bed, much to my relief. But seeing the simple item from home, my small bit of belongings, caused a swell of emotion in my chest. I felt tears start to erupt again, and scrambled to the bed, squishing my face in the pillow and letting my emotions pour. 

That evening, a black astromech called R6-6, arrived with a plate of food. He beeped a few things, telling me what it was, and then scurried back to where he had come from. The food wasn’t what I was used to back at home, but I was starving, and the flavors were satisfying on my tongue. 

Holding the plate, I wandered the room, checking drawers and crevices for anything they might have put in. I found the door to the fresher, where a toilet and shower lay. There were stacks of towels, different soaps, and bands for hair. In a closet beside the bed lay mostly black sets of clothing. Tight, stretchy pants and long-sleeved shirts. Breastbands and undergarments and surprisingly.... Nightgowns. 

I pulled one out, examining it. It was, for once, the one thing I was entranced by in this whole cold, dark place. It was of a silky, black material, with lacy sleeves and a length that touched my toes. As entranced as I was by the item, it also showed me how such a beautiful thing was only a mask for the cruelty and darkness that lay underneath. They were already trying to turn me into one of them, starting with something as simple and artificial as my clothing

I couldn’t stand to be on my feet any longer, so once I figured out how to use the fresher, I climbed into bed. The sheets were not itchy, like my ones on Chandrila, but just thinking about it made more tears spring to my eyes. But I fought it, both dreading and wishing for the night’s sleep to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! :)
> 
> as for my updating schedule, i don't really have a set one yet... but i'm planning to get at least 1 or 2 chapters up every week or so, depending on how much time i devote to reediting.


	5. Not As Forgiving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Open doors are not always an open invitation...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter features a switch of pov at the end, and it is something we will slowly see more of. ;)

_ “Nelle!” _

Bodies, blood, blasters, surrounded me at every angle. Gunfire in the dead of night, waking children and parents from their slumber. Crying, screaming, from those who lost loved ones. And at the center of it all: me. 

. . . . 

I sprung upright, sweat coating my chest and neck. I breathed out hard, shaken by the dream. And that’s all it had been: a nightmare. I had never experienced one like it, so I stayed awake, my arms wrapped against my knees, my hands trembling. I summoned R6-6, the droid, through the holopad, just needing company. My mother was usually there, a constant presence in my house. But I was alone, and the room was too cold and too quiet.

I heard noises outside of my door, and the panel  _ whooshed _ open, R6 scooting inside. He whistled lightly when he saw me, a small greeting, and came to rest a few feet from my bed. He stayed there, the small light on his round metal head flickering red and white as he waited for my orders. 

“Um...” I said, wringing my hands. “I don’t actually need anything. I just didn’t want to be by myself.”

The droid didn’t answer, and a few moments later, he spun around, heading back towards the door. I jumped up from the bed, surprised by his actions.

“Wait, no!” I called after him, nearly beating him to the door when it slid open again. I fought back a scream as an armed stormtrooper careened in front of the door, placing himself in a wide stance to block my escape. He extended a hand, stopping me. 

“You are not permitted to leave your quarters,” he stated simply, his voice masked by the metal helmet. They still scared me, no matter how much I saw them, the gleaming white metal piercing my eyes. 

I stumbled back slightly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to... I just, I didn’t want to be by myself.”

The trooper looked back at me, his emotions dead through the mask. “Makes two of us.”

I was surprised by his honesty. “Oh... yeah, I just had a nightmare. I don’t really get them, so I just got scared.”

“The droids are usually no help. They’re just here to serve,” the trooper said plainly, like it was a known fact. 

I nodded slowly, shuffling my feet on the cold floor. “Do you mind if I take a walk? Just to clear my head?” He didn’t move, and I pressed a little harder. “It’ll only be for a moment... I just need to get out of here.”

He still didn’t move, watching me through the cold mask, and I ran a hand through my hair. 

“I don’t know how to fight, okay? I don’t even have any weapons on me, and I seriously doubt I would be able to take anyone down on this blasted ship... And I won’t tell anyone if you don’t.”

It took him a moment, but eventually he nodded, standing sideways in the door frame so I could pass by, sliding a shawl on over my nightgown. I didn’t expect to see anyone this late in the night, but I also had no idea how the First Order worked. Did they even sleep? 

The trooper walked beside me, a blaster raised at his chest, his gloved finger on the safety, but it didn’t scare me. As we walked the quiet, empty hallways- devoid of everything except a small, rectangular droid called a Mousedroid- I felt oddly comforted by the trooper. Something was familiar about him, and when I noticed his stature, it hit me. 

“You’re the one from earlier, the one who brought me to the meeting?” I questioned, not pausing my slow walk but looking up into his masked face. He nodded curtly. 

“What’s your name, if, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“My identification code is LL-261.”

“Oh,” I mumbled. “Do you have a nickname or anything?”

“I do not.”

I hummed a light response. “LL... do you mind if I call you Lee? Is that okay?”

He had been kind to me before, well, kinder than anyone on the ship had been, especially Kylo Ren. I hoped he would return the favor. If I was going to be stuck on this ship for who knows how long, I needed a friend. And who knew if he knew a way to to escape. I had heard rumors of rogue troopers escaping from the First Order and creating new identities for themselves. 

He nodded again. “That is fine.”

Lee and I walked the corridors, keeping a slow pace until we came to a vast expanse of windows. I pressed my hands to the glass, peering out into space. It seemed to never end, the blackness consuming my whole field of vision. Stars twinkled for miles and miles and I spotted a planet roaming below the ship. It was dotted with green and blue, and I felt my breath hitch in my throat. It was Chandrila, like I had never seen it before in all my life.

I let tears roll, not feeling insecure as I felt Lee’s presence beside me. I longed to be home, in my family’s arms, feeling the sweet-smelling wind roll over the hills.

“What is she doing here?”

I spun around at the familiar, robotic voice. Kylo Ren was just standing a few feet from us, and I felt Lee tense and stand straighter beside me. Brushing hair in front of my face, I swept a hand over my cheeks, drying my tears.

“Cadet Typhrene needed to take a walk to clear her head, sir,” Lee spoke, sounding brave. He had stepped forward, just slightly. I admired him for that moment. It seemed like maybe he would take my side if Kylo Ren decided to kill me, right here and now. 

“Take her back. She doesn’t leave her cell unless it is under my orders. Is that clear, officer?” Kylo Ren’s voice was like poison in my ears. 

“Understood, sir,” Lee spoke, and saluted Kylo Ren. After a moment, with a dark glance in my direction, he swept away, disappearing down the corridor. 

I walked in silence with Lee back to my quarters, but I couldn’t shake the tension from my gut. 

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

“No need to apologize, cadet.”

“I just don’t want to get you in trouble... especially with Kylo Ren.”

“It’s nothing.”

When we arrived at my doorway, Lee turned my direction as I walked inside.

“If we do not meet again, I wish to tell you that you have been exceptionally kind. I will always be grateful you gave me a name.”

I opened my mouth to respond, stunned by such a comment, but the door whisked closed, shutting me alone in the darkness. I let my brow furrow. What did he mean, if we didn’t meet again? Was he leaving? Had my actions caused Kylo Ren to target him? 

I feared for Lee, and I wasn’t sure why. But I snuggled back under the blankets anyway, hoping for sleep. 

R6 woke me in the morning, alerting me that I only had a few hours before I was tested for my supposed Force abilities. I showered, dressed in the black clothes they provided me, and stood before the closed door, awaiting my fate. 

A trooper that wasn’t Lee escorted me to a room where General Hux, Kylo Ren, and three official-looking men waited. When the trooper pushed me inside, leaving me alone with my wrists free from restraints, I let my thoughts wash over me.

What if I failed their tests? I wasn’t Force sensitive... was I? Would they kill my family either way, if they were still alive? Keep me here forever?

My worry and fear subsided when General Hux stepped forward, a datapad in his hand. 

He read off of it, glancing up at me every now and then. 

“Nelle Typhrene. Born on the planet Coruscant in 12 ABY and raised on Chandrila for the past twenty-three years.”

I tried to hold my shock in. Surely I hadn’t been born on Coruscant... my mother had always told me I was born on Chandrila. But Coruscant... It didn’t sound like my parents. Why hadn’t they told me?

Hux continued, despite my wavering thoughts. 

“Occupation: none. Spouse: none. Children: none. Allegiance is supposedly to the New Republic before it was destroyed by Starkiller Base three months ago. No known Force abilities...” he hesitated, and I saw his gaze waver. “Kylo Ren believes her to possess great abilities, however. We’ll just have to see about that.”

I gulped as he stepped back, and a man came to undo the shackles at my wrist. I rubbed my wrists, sore from the metal. 

A trooper came into the room, his stance wide as he stood armed with a blaster. Fear boiled in my veins, even as he aimed his blaster at me. I yelped and ducked to the ground even before he fired, cradling my hands over my head. He didn’t fire, and I slowly rose back to my feet, my legs trembling. He was starting to walk away, but yet another trooper replaced him.

I was thrown something round, and it even surprised me as I caught it, looking to see a small metal orb in my hand. I let it drop from my shaking hand. Everything was coming too fast. What type of test was this?

Then Kylo Ren stepped forward and extended his hand, and I felt those same invisible fingers reach into my mind. The pressure was intense, and I felt like he was crawling inside my mind, knowing my every thought, my every motive. I felt tears at the corners of my eyes as the pressure continued. I heard a voice in my mind, and it sounded like Kylo Ren’s. Perhaps the rumors were true about what he could do to people, how he could infiltrate their minds. 

_ This is your test. Push back. Fight it. _

I didn’t know what he meant, and I clenched my jaw. The pressure built, pain tracing the back of my skull. It was like white-hot fire, draining my energy. I had never felt pain, pressure, like this before, and I regretted not having the strength to fight against it. I tried to push back, clear my mind, but it didn’t work, and the pressure built. 

I cried out, collapsing to my knees and feeling the pressure subside. I dipped my head, pressing my hands against my forehead, trying to find some comfort. 

Through the pain, I heard murmuring around me, and then General Hux’s voice. 

“We’re done for today.”

Footsteps padded next to me, exiting the room, but I couldn’t raise my head from my hands. The pressure finally vanished, and I let out a sob of relief into my hands. I wiped my hand against my cheek, smearing my tears. But I still felt a presence in the room with me. I rose slowly to my feet, bracing my hands on my knees and standing to my full height. Wrapping my arms around my chest, my knees trembling, I faced my captor. 

It was Kylo Ren, and I wasn’t surprised. I sensed anger radiating off of him, one gloved hand clenched on the lightsaber on his belt, the other furled in a tight fist at his side. I couldn’t see his face, but his mask was throwing sharp daggers at me. His shoulders were tense, and he took a step forward, the hand never leaving his lightsaber. 

“You’ve made me look like a fool.”

I wanted to scoff. I could care little about his dignity. He didn’t deserve it.

“Why should I care how you come across?” I snapped suddenly.

“Because your life is in my hands, Typhrene. I decide whether you live or die. The least you could do is actually try to prove me right.”

I felt fire in my eyes, and I hope he saw it. “I’m not your precious little puppet you can order around. I have my own life, I’m my own person. I don’t care whether I prove you wrong or right... Maybe I want to see you made a fool.”

“Why didn’t you push back?” He questioned, his tone fiery. “I know you can.”

My breath came out shakier than I wanted. “I can’t do it. I told you already...  _ I don’t have the Force. _ ”

Another step forward. “Why do you keep lying? I know you know the truth. You’re just hiding it... and for what?”

My brows squeezed together. “W-what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Suddenly his gloved fingers were threateningly close to the ignition button. I felt fear rise in my throat. “I don’t know why you hide this from me. From yourself. You have to let yourself go, Typhrene.” 

I want to bite back a retort when he spoke my name, punch his mask, something. “I don’t understand. I’m _ not _ strong with the Force, I never have been.”

He stepped closer until he was practically leaning over me, his height immense. “But you are. I’ve looked into your mind and seen it for myself.”

My mouth gaped in shock. He had gone into my mind, without my consent, and was trying to convince me of something I believed to be false... But that nagging feeling I felt as a child, since I was a child, was still there. Sudden fear at my own abilities flustered me, and I took a step back. His gloved hand flew to my wrist, holding me there. 

“You’re a monster,” I said, setting my jaw.

He spoke quietly, the metallic voice sending shivers down my spine. “I’ve seen your thoughts... your memories. I’ve seen your dreams as a child, your dreams to train with Skywalker.” He spat the name like it burned his throat. I flinched at his words, and his grip grew tighter, causing my jaw to clench. 

“You don’t know anything about me,” I said quietly, a whisper in the back of my throat. 

“I know enough,” he growled, and he whipped me around, sliding the door open and handing me to the trooper standing guard. He was gone in an instant, the heat on my arm vanishing as his tight grip left my wrist. I was too stunned for several moments to hear the trooper talking to me, asking my name until he got my attention. 

I looked up, shaky my blurry vision. “Oh. I’m so sorry, yes?”

“I’m to escort you back to your quarters, cadet.”

“Oh, right, yes... thank you.”

I hadn’t meant to be so polite around these people holding me hostage, constantly thanking them. I groaned as I followed the trooper back to my quarters. My parents had raised me well; I couldn’t lose my kindness that fast.

But as we walked back, I couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Kylo Ren had seen my memories. My thoughts, desires, as a child. If he had seen that, what else had he seen? What else did he know about me? The thoughts haunted me late into the night, and I couldn’t shake that ever-present, familiar nagging feeling in my soul. Maybe he was lying, or maybe he was right. The latter scared me more than anything I had seen in the past few days.

. . . .

I couldn’t help but notice a distant light poured into the room, and as I looked towards the door, I was surprised to see... that it was open. 

It was the middle of the night. Knowing Kylo Ren and the strict rules he already placed around me, there was no doubt in my mind that this was not supposed to happen. Someone must have accidently opened it, maybe perhaps a droid passing by?

But I crept out anyway, wrapping my brown cloak from Chandrila around my shoulders and stepping into the hallway. From what I could see down the straight hallways, there was no one to be seen. No night patrols of troopers, no droids beeping through the halls. No one even standing guard at my door.

So I stepped out, letting my curiosity get the better of me. With everyone else asleep, why couldn’t I just take a quick stroll through the halls? I needed to get my mind off of Kylo Ren, and all the things he possibly knew about me. What he had said about me...

The hallways were quiet, and I found a new sense of freedom as my bare feet skipped through the halls. The floor was cold on my feet, but I was too busy actually relishing in walking a longer distance than being bothered by it.

I rounded a corner suddenly and had to stop myself from nearly screaming. I instead stopped, turned on my heel and skidded a few steps back. However, in the process, my bare feet slid across the floor, making a terrible squealing sound. 

I had come upon Kylo Ren, maskless. He was not facing me, but instead peering out a window that allowed a full view of space, a tan-and-blue-colored planet just visible in the distance.  _ Chandrila _ . 

He had his mask in his hand, but as soon as he heard me he shoved it back onto his head, but not before I could get a glimpse. I was shocked to see waves of thick, pitch-black hair that reached the bottom of his neck and cascaded in ripples down his skull. It looked soft, and beautiful, so unlike anything I imagined him to be. Just above his neckline, I could see very-human, very pale skin. 

_ He was human _ . 

“You should be asleep,” the statement came in a deep, robotic growl. “What are you doing here?”

I tried to hide myself around the corner of the wall, but I could hear his footsteps approaching me. 

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-”

“You have already tested me today, Typhrene. I would advise you to not repeat it.”

He came past me in a flash, grabbing my forearm and yanking me beside him. Tears pricked my eyes as his gloved fingers dug into my flesh. I glanced up, hoping to see his face, but was yet again met with the dark metal of his mask. He walked fast and the gloved fingers wrapped around my arm were tight. I tried to keep pace but stumbled a few times, causing him to let out a disapproving groan. 

As we got closer to my quarters, he spoke in a threatening tone. 

“If I catch you doing this again, I will be forced to deal you the punishments. You are not to leave your quarters unless told to.”

The grip on my arm almost became unbearable, I shoved at his hand, and punched his arm with all the strength I had. He barely flinched but continued walking. We made it back to my quarters, where the door was still open, and Kylo Ren shoved me inside. 

“Snoke is not as forgiving as I am. Remember that the next time you sneak out.”

I felt anger rise in my throat, and stepped towards him, just one foot. “I did  _ not  _ sneak out! Don’t accuse me. The door was already open.”

After a long moment, he spoke to me in a quieter tone. 

“You are scheduled to have an assessment tomorrow. I will be present, and I expect you to conform to the expectations I have for you. You know what you have to do.”

With that, he closed the door, leaving me in the darkness. 

The thoughts, the words he had spoken to me were confusing, hurting my brain, so I settled back into the bed, awaiting another horrible dream.

( Kylo Ren’s P.O.V. )

I had awoken with a start. Something in the Force had disturbed me and shook me awake. 

I shook myself out of bed, running a hand through my tousled hair. I redressed, grabbed my helmet, and headed for the lookout bay. 

Chandrila was where I had been born. I did not think much of the past recently, and tried to push it behind me with as much strength as I could muster. Snoke had trained me well. I knew how to control it. How to bring myself back to the Dark.

But I couldn’t shake it. The girl just a few blocks down the ship haunted me. The moment I had seen her among the carnage of the small rural village I knew it had been her. 

I had been able to read her mind while she was unconscious, see her memories, her thoughts. I could see far back into her childhood where she used to dream about being a Jedi... what a wasted time. 

But there was something about her. It nagged at my chest, kept me awake and frustrated every time I looked at her. The Force pulsated around her, charging her, and it was oddly familiar to me. I didn’t know why, but it haunted me. I knew she was strong with the Force, but I couldn’t find any memories of her actually using it, seeing herself with her abilities. But I knew they were there. She just needed to let go. 

When I used the Force on her in the holding cell, I knew she had seen a memory of mine. The infiltration to my mind was quick, and numbing, but she had known how to do it. I had fled, scared of what she might have seen and what else she could have seen had I lingered too long.

She was strong, stronger than she knew. She had untamed power, not fully realized, but I would help her. Snoke would not lay a hand on her while I was alive. 

I had sensed her approaching in the hallway long before she saw me, so why had I waited so long? Did I want her to see my true self, skin and all? I had let her see me as no one had seen me in a long time, even just for a moment. 

And then there she was, dressed in a beautiful flowy nightgown that made my heart jump. Every bone in my body told me to respond, to suddenly be gentler than I had been in a long time. But the constant voices in my head, Snoke’s voice, blocked it all out. She looked so scared, and I didn’t know what to do except to dissuade her from doing it again.

Part of me wanted to let her in, to see me how no one had seen me in a long time. There was something around the Force within her that comforted me, made me remember happier times. But the other part was stronger, more ruthless, more for the hunt. She was just a pawn, one that would be trained in time to fight alongside me, the First Order, to snuff out the Rebellion and conquer the galaxy. 

But she was kind. And apologetic. And fiery. I wanted that fire beside me, to know me. 

When I touched her, grabbed her arm, I felt peace like I had never known. Yes, she was frightened, and anxious, the desire to leave the strongest I had felt. But I had felt it: the light. The Force within her was strong, and turned towards the light. But I could help that.

But I had let my temper get the best of me. Had I frightened her to the point of no return? Would she ever fully trust me? 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! 
> 
> every kudos makes me heart so happy, and i'm so glad others are enjoying reading this!! this story has become such a rich part of my life, and i hope my writing reflects that.


	6. Death Threats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Defying orders only gets you so far.

A droid, the same black one called R6-6, came to fetch me early in the morning. With his signals of beep and whistles, I understood. I got dressed, leaving my clothes from home hidden under the bed. I changed into stretchy black pants, and a long-sleeved shirt and vest of the same color. I put my hair into two single braids at each side of my head, letting the ends reach my chest. R6-6 knew the code to the door, and I was greeted by a stormtrooper outside. I wondered momentarily if it was Lee. However, I knew it wasn’t when the trooper harshly shackled my hands, dragging me along with him.

We walked down the chilly metal hallways until we reached a set of large doors, and they slid open for me to walk into a tall room. There were no windows, like the last gathering room, but dark blue mats were set up on the floor and against the walls. I looked around, spotting the five other Force users across the way, some of them stretching, some of them with their heads bowed. On the upper level of the room, standing behind a metal railing, were General Hux and two other older men with stern faces. To my greatest surprise, Kylo Ren was absent. I wondered momentarily if it had to do with last night. 

The trooper pushed me until I was standing next to the other five, and that is when General Hux stepped closer to the railing, peering down at us with narrowed eyes.

“This morning will begin your assessment of your physical and emotional abilities. To begin with, you will choose a weapon and battle some of our most trained troopers. This will give you a chance to represent your abilities and skills in a controlled environment. I suggest that you use everything you have during this time, as these tests will determine your worth to the First Order. After completing that, you will have your mind probed to test your emotional and mental strength.”

I swallowed hard. My mind, probed? Hadn’t that happened just the other day with Kylo Ren? And how was I supposed to fight someone when I never had in my whole life?

“Lidan, you are up first,” Hux spoke, motioning for us to sit, and the dark-skinned female human rose to her feet. She looked vicious as she scanned the weapons against the wall, and settled for a long, leather whip. The end had barbs that looked like it could rip skin off. She stalked forward, eyes narrowed to the ground. 

A trooper appeared from a doorway, carrying the same spinning weapon the trooper on Chandrila had wielded. At the sight of Lidan, he suddenly swung it forward, and electrical sparks appeared off of it. 

_ Oh no. She’s not gonna make it.  _

Feeling sudden compassion for her, I tightened my hands, pushing them onto my thighs. 

But Lidan was fast, and as the trooper stalked towards her, weapon at the ready, she glided gracefully past him, striking him in the back with the whip. The trooper let out a grunt, faltering slightly, until whipping around to strike back at her. But Lidan had sensed it coming, and ducked out of the way, whipping around him and delivering a blow to the back of his knee. The trooper growled in anger and charged at her, raising his weapon. Lidan stood calmly, only at the last second throwing her whip forward, wrapping it around the base of the trooper’s weapon and sending it flying across the room. The four others and I watched in silence as it flew in an arc before landing with a heavy thud on the other side of the room. 

When I had looked back at Lidan, she had the trooper pinned to the ground, her foot on his throat. She sneered triumphantly, and I felt such a terror rise in me. __

_ If this woman is this powerful, what does it mean for the others? What does it mean for me? _

But there was no applause, no gratification for Lidan’s success. I glanced up at Hux, who was just staring at the six of us, as well as the two other men. Kylo Ren was still nowhere to be seen.

Ro’bana, the male green Twi’lek, was next to go, and he had secured the trooper in half the time that Lidan had. Lidan, meanwhile, had been escorted to another room for the next portion, the mental ability test.

Soont, Khoan, and Borsk, the three other males, all accomplished the task in expert time. Borsk had been escorted out, and I watched as I was the last one left in the room.

I felt shaky as I got to my knees, not making eye contact with the sneering men watching me from above. I peered at the wide array of weapons, knowing that if I chose any, I would fail anyway. 

But I chose a long, metal rod. It reminded me of the farming tools I had used back home, and as a child, how I had pretended it was a lightsaber, and fought with the other children in my village. It was the most familiar, and although a bit heavier than I was used to, I tried to walk forward with confidence. 

As the trooper appeared in the doorway, stalking into the room, I sensed a new presence. 

_ Kylo Ren.  _

My fingers tightened on the pole until I’m sure they would fall off, or maybe my luck, snap the stick in half. I felt sudden anger, mixed with confusion. Why had he come to watch only me? The others were better qualified. He knew I couldn’t fight back.

The trooper was armed with a simple bat, looking similar to mine. Thankfully, there were no electrical charges that emerged from the ends. But my gratitude faded as he walked closer, his masked face expressionless. 

I raised the pole beside me, holding it as I did as a child, feeling weak and helpless. I was no match for him. But I had to try. Wouldn’t they kill me if I didn’t?

The trooper raised his bat and swung, hard. I ducked and tumbled to the side, adrenaline starting to prick in my veins. I caught myself, standing upright again, my braids smacking my neck. I started to feel a pressure at the back of my head. 

_ Fight him, or he will kill you. _

The words stung at the base of my throat. I wanted to look at Kylo Ren, shout definitely at him. 

No one else had the threat of their opponent killing them, so why me? I had never so much as looked at someone with an intent to kill, but Kylo Ren was bringing me dangerously close to the edge. 

_ No _ . I shot back, with as much ferocity and anger as I could muster. I didn’t know if it would work, if he would even hear me.

_ Do it. _

Another prod at the base of my skull. I felt such anger, such hatred towards Kylo Ren for doing this. For ordering my capture, for kidnapping me and forcing me to work for him. I hated him. 

_ No _ . I pushed back, again, certain he could hear me. 

I cast a glance towards Kylo, the trooper I was supposed to face seemingly distracted by his bat lodged into the floor mat. From here, I could see his gloved hands wrapped even tighter on the railing of the upper floor walkway. I still couldn’t see his face, and I’m certain that no matter what he looked like, I would have been glad to punch his face in. 

_ Now, Typhrene.  _

The next word I spoke came out loud, much to my surprise. At the same moment, I could see the stormtrooper rising his bat over my head, ready to strike. 

“NO!” I yelled, sending my hand flying towards the trooper. I felt energy pulsate on the palm of my extended hand, and that same energy pushed me back, sending my scrambling on my hands and knees. The stormtrooper, much to my dismay and surprise, went flying, his armor smacking against the back wall of the training room. He landed in a heap, his bat beside him, and I was thankful to hear him make small grunting sounds. __

_ He’s still alive, thank Kriff. _

But I looked down at my hand, where I had felt the energy come from. My hands started to shake, and I was suddenly aware of how frightened of myself I was. Had I really sent the trooper flying, just with a throw of my hand? Had Kylo Ren been right about me? What else did he know about me, if this was true?

The realization dawned on me, just as I felt the pressure subside from my head. I cast a brave glance towards General Hux and Kylo Ren, but the faces of the two other men caught me by surprise. Their jaws hung open, their mouths extended in shock. One of them leaned toward General Hux, whispered something, and stood back in place. 

General Hux leaned forward, his hands behind his back. The gaze he sent me was penetrating. 

“Leave us.”

Another trooper came from the side of the room, grabbing me by the arm and replacing the restraints on my wrists. We walked back towards the entrance of the room and made our way back out into the hallways. I didn’t want to face it, but I couldn’t imagine the consequences of my actions. I let out a shaky breath as we glided back through the hallways, but before we could go much farther, I was pushed through another door, and it locked closed behind me. 

With the trooper gone, I looked around the dim room. Lights on the floor brightened the tiny area, but not by much. There were no pieces of furniture, and besides some red and black accents on the walls, it was bare. 

“You did it.”

I couldn’t help but scream; my whole body had been on edge from the earlier fight, and I had wanted nothing more than to disappear. 

It was Kylo Ren, standing in the corner beside me against the wall. From this angle, he looked massive, his intimidating stance towering over me as he pressed forward slowly. 

It’s like the words became stuck in my throat. “I-I, I don’t know.. I don’t know what happened.”

He pressed forward, his cloak billowing behind him. With my hands in shackles, my energy seemed to flow out in waves, leaving me defenseless. I backed up until my spine hit the wall, the chill of the metal piercing right through my clothes. 

“You see now that I was right,” Kylo Ren growled. “You have power. Deep, untamed power. I will guide you.”

“You’re insane,” I said. “I don’t need you, I didn’t want this!”

Kylo Ren was still walking towards me, and he stretched his gloved hands out to touch both sides of my head. It was not gentle, the way his fingertips wrapped around my skull. Then he was leaning forward, and panic rose in my throat. 

“Wh-what are you doing?!” I yelped, the question a dry whisper in my throat. 

His voice came out in that same horrible, robotic pitch: “Testing you.”

Then the cold metal of the top of his helmet touched my forehead, chilling my face. My whole body was shaking, and it felt like I should be on fire. But I could only feel the chill from his metal mask and the tight grip his hands had on my head. I let out shaky breaths, keeping my eyes closed as the silence around us grew. 

Then the pain started, at the base of my skull and grew into the space behind my eyes. The pressure was intense, and I felt tears start to prick at my eyes. I had not experienced much physical pain in my life, but this was by far the worst.

And then I saw it. It was like I was somewhere else, being transported through my own head. I was back on Chandrila, the warmth of the sun’s beams on my face and arms. I was sitting on the porch of a house, the sounds of laughter meeting my ears. It was not my village however, or any other place I recognized. 

Then I saw him. The same boy I had seen when Kylo Ren had strangled me through the Force. The same messy dark mop of hair on his head, the same deep eyes with a joyful glint. He was riding the shoulders of a young man who had the same tousled, brown hair. The boy seemed younger this time, his scraggly teeth showing as he let out a laugh. 

Then it was gone, and the pressure in my head vanished. I opened my eyes when I heard stumbling in front of me, only to see Kylo Ren falling back, one hand on his lightsaber. In the silence, I could hear his deep breaths through his mask. 

_ What if. _ .. 

No, it couldn’t be him. Unless he was putting the images in my head, which didn’t make sense either. Kylo Ren would never reveal himself to anyone, never show any weakness. I knew that.

With the pain and pressure gone, I glanced up at him. He wasn’t facing me, but we were close enough that I was sure he would hear me. 

“Take off your mask,” I said quietly, the authority in my own voice scaring me.

But I could feel anger radiating off of him, and I stole a glance to see if he would ignite his lightsaber. 

“You have no authority over me. How dare you make such a bold order.” His deep voice reverberated off the room, hitting my chest. 

But I kept at it. If he was that boy, he still had to be in there somewhere. Sure, people grew up and changed, but how had he become this horrible monster? Surely, there had to be some goodness left in him.

“You’re him, aren’t you?” I questioned. “The boy in my visions.”

Instead of responding, he went to the door, typed in a code, and led me out to the trooper waiting outside. He practically tossed me to the trooper, ordering him to take me to my quarters. I pushed at the troopers arm, looking back at Kylo Ren, who had begun to walk the opposite way. 

“Kylo,” I said boldly. He stopped, as did the trooper holding me, but didn’t face me. 

I wanted to say something, but I wasn’t sure what. But Kylo Ren stopped me before I could. 

“You know nothing of me,” he said, with a deep growl in his voice. 

. . . .

I could feel the pain in my head before I even woke up. The cool metal of the wall against my back was poignant, and I slowly raised myself to a sitting position on my bed. 

I had been escorted back to my quarters quickly after my testing session with Kylo Ren, which still haunted me. Had he truly been right about me? Did I have a connection with the Force that had been unknown to me this whole time? 

I rubbed my hands against my temples, swinging my legs over the edge of the bed. I looked to the clock, where it showed me that it was early in the morning. Pushing myself from the bed, I padded to the fresher, switching on the hot water as I gathered my clothes and towel. 

The hot water against my head subsided much of the pain, and I let the steam gather above my head. I couldn’t find anything to complain about the soaps and shampoos they had provided me; the scents were tantalizing and felt fresh on my skin. I rubbed the minty bar into my skin, watching as suds raced down my arm and down the drain. I let the hot water stream over my body until my fingers had wrinkled, and then stepped back out and redressed. The clothing wasn’t as restricting as my last ones had been, but I still adorned the same black and grey pants and tunic. R6, the black astromech, was in my room when I returned, and beeped a stream of signals to me. I raised one eyebrow. 

I was escorted through dark hallways by two troopers flanking my sides until we reached another larger room. I think it was the same one I had first been in where the five other Force users had been seated at the table. My hands shackled, the troopers sat me down between Lidan, the dark female human, and the green Twi’lek, Ro’bana. I didn’t meet their eyes as I sat down; they were all facing General Hux, anyway. 

He was by himself, although flanked by the same two officers that had been present at the training session yesterday. Their beady eyes narrowed on mine, and I felt myself tense under their gaze. Hux was no different, with his shiny red hair and ever present greasy smirk. 

“Now that you are all here,” Hux began as Borsk entered and sat down. “We can get started on your results from yesterday’s assignment.” He presented a datapad, and whisked his hand forward, allowing holograms to show right in front of our eyes. 

“Lidan,” Hux said, and the dark skinned female beside me sat a little taller. “You were the first to complete the task yesterday.” 

As he spoke, footage from Lidan’s assignment showed on the holograms, flickering silhouettes of her overtaking the stormtrooper in several simple moves. As they showed, I cast a small glance at her, and saw that her radiant green eyes were beaming with pride. 

“You fought extremely well, and showed great discipline and control over your actions. While unassuming, your tactics will serve you well as you continue your training in the First Order. You will begin formal training with the others chosen in the next few days. You are dismissed.”

Lidan rose from her seat, escorted by two troopers who seemed fearful of her very presence. I watched as the doors slid closed behind them, and Hux moved on to Ro’bana’s footage. He was strong, and I couldn’t help but marvel at his speed and strength as he dismantled the trooper in the footage. 

“Ro’bana. Your strength and perseverance will prove as a vital asset as you continue your training under the First Order. Dismissed.”

I watched him leave, the coldness of the room hitting me as I was left sitting alone on the other side of the table. Borsk, the Clawdite male was also praised for his expert skills, as well as Khoan, the other human male, who looked like he could break me with his thumb. However, Soont was the last before me, a smaller, lithe human male. 

“Soont.” Hux began, and his narrowed beady eyes dug into the male’s head. “You performed well for a man of your stature, but you were sloppy on many occasions. Kylo Ren does not wish for you to continue. You will not continue your training under the First Order. You are dismissed.”

I saw fear etch across Soont’s face. I hadn’t given him much thought before, just another person that could kill me, but he looked so young. He was probably in his late 20’s, with choppy strawberry blond hair that reached his chin. He had light stubble as well, and bright blue eyes that darkened as he rose from his seat. 

I suddenly felt fearful for him. He was just another person, the same as I. I knew stories of the First Order, what they did to people that defied or disappointed them. 

Before I knew what I was doing, I shot to my feet, slightly stumbling as my shackled hands caught the lip of the table. 

“What’s going to happen to him?”

“Typhrene,” Hux snapped, his eyes dodging to mine. I could see that the troopers escorting Soont had gone still, waiting for Hux’s command. “Sit down at once. You have no authority to speak in this setting.”

I stared back at him for a moment, testing him, and eventually collapsed back in my seat. With a wave of Hux’s hand, Soont was escorted from the room, and I felt like it would be the last time I would see him. 

It felt like an eternity before Hux spoke again, and he said my name and revealed my footage from the fight yesterday. Well, fight was one way to put it. I couldn’t help but feel embarrassed as I watched myself dodge and run from the armed trooper, fighting against Kylo Ren’s words in my head. But I couldn’t help but feel impressed when I saw my hand extend, using the Force to blow the trooper away from me, stopping the fight. The hologram switched off, and I shyly looked out at Hux and the two officers dressed in grey. 

Hux’s mouth was set in a fine, straight line, and the way his eyes etched into mine made my skin squirm. When he spoke, it felt like ice in my veins. 

“Typhrene. You have no past experience in battle, correct?” I could only nod, letting my eyes wander to the glossy table. “It shows. Evidently. You have the worst form of defense I have ever seen, and even your attempts at defense would easily get you killed. I would say that you even refused to fight the trooper, but I think it’s just because you’re a coward.” 

I blinked away a tear. I felt humiliated, after yesterday’s events and then  _ this _ . If I had any control over the Force, I would send General Hux flying halfway across this blasted ship. 

“But you have a surprisingly strong sensitivity to the Force. Unbeknownst to you, I would assume. But strong, nonetheless. Commander Ren was pleased with this as well, as you were the only one out of the six that reflected this ability.” 

He placed his hands on the table, leaning forward so he could see me better. Or maybe just to taunt me. 

“He wants you to train under the First Order, but not like the others. Commander Ren has specifically asked that you train directly underneath him, since you seemingly possess such great abilities in the Force.”

His eyes darkened, and that same smirk started to grow on his lips. 

“I promise you it will not be easy. Your lack of training and physical strength will be reinforced, but it will not be pretty. You work for the First Order now. You  _ belong _ to the First Order now.”

I couldn’t help as the rage built up inside of me, threatening to overwhelm. My hands shook against the shackles and I narrowed my eyes as Hux’s smirk grew. I bent forward and spat, my saliva smacking squarely on target. I couldn’t help but half smile as Hux grimaced, using the back of his glove to wipe my spit from his cheek. 

“I belong to no one.” 

I saw Hux’s jaw tremble as he tried to contain his rage. “Remove her.”

Two troopers were at my sides, grasping my arms tightly and hauling me from the room. I couldn’t help but feel slightly accomplished, having gained back some of my dignity. No matter how hard they tried, I knew who I was. I was Nelle Typhrene of Chandrila. I would not be broken. I would never belong to them. 

. . . . 

I felt a presence above me before I had even opened my eyes. But I opened them anyway, my eyes meeting the cold dark metal of Kylo Ren’s mask. He was hovering above me, his forearms holding him up against my sides. My breath hitched, and a shiver traveled from my spine to my toes. My room was dim, and I could barely make him out as I tried to adjust to the darkness. But I sensed how large he was hovering over me, the way his tunic fell and brushed my bare arms, the way his weight caved the bed in. 

“I heard you disrespected one of my men today.” The robotic voice cut into my own throat, leaving me speechless. 

“These things don’t go unheard from me, Typhrene... I know Hux told you of your assignment: that you are to train with me. We start tomorrow, and I don’t expect any of this bad behavior to show up again. If it does, I’ll see to it myself to deal you the consequences.”

I felt his gloved hand trail up my arm, and froze beneath him. 

“You have strengths you are unaware of. I’ll guide you.”

The helmet leaned down lower, the metal muzzle scraping my chin.

“I’ll help you.”

“I don’t want your help,” I snapped, narrowing my eyes. Kylo’s gloved hand flew to my throat, his fingers wrapping snuggly around my neck. I gasped, my hands snatching at his glove, feeling my heart beating out of my chest. I felt a sweat break out on my forehead, and raised my eyes to meet his helmet, silently begging.

His fingers were tight, squeezing my throat until I couldn’t breathe. I gagged, wringing myself beneath him to break the hold. He was silent, the mask above me threateningly still. His thumb gently brushed my jaw. I felt my heartbeat race in my chest, threatening to break through. As his grip held still, I saw white spots blurry my vision, and then everything went dark. 

. . . . 

I opened my eyes. 

The room was still dark and my skin felt cold in the night air. 

Pushing up with my elbows, I sat upright, looking for Kylo Ren. But there was no sign of him, and it hit me then that I had been sleeping and it had all been a dream. There was no sign of him, or the soft grip on my throat. I even went to touch my neck, but there was no remnants if he had actually touched me. I shivered, the image vivid in my mind. 

When morning came, I was escorted to a First Order style cafeteria, where stormtroopers, officers, and the four other Force users were eating at long, gleaming tables. The trooper that had escorted me handed me a tray of blocky looking food and sat me down at the table across from Lidan. They were speaking to each other in loud voices, and barely noticed when I sat down, giving me some peace of mind. 

But when I sat down, I saw Lidan’s bright green eyes fall on me, looking from my plate to my face. I slowly raised my gaze to meet her own, and wanted to smile, but she caught me by surprise by extending a slender arm towards me. 

“Lidan Dallo,” she said, and her voice was surprisingly kind, although husky, for her hard demeanor. 

I extended my own hand and shook, flinching at her strong grip. 

“Nelle Typhrene. It’s nice to officially meet you.”

“Likewise. They haven’t really allowed for time to actually get to know each other until now, so I thought I might as well.” Lidan tossed a piece of her lunch into her mouth. “You’re young, aren’t you?”

I nodded. “I’m twenty-three.”

“Youngest one ‘ere!” A voice beside me bellowed, and I looked to see Borsk, the Clawdite male, who was leaning past Ro’bana, the green Twi’lek, to look at me with large green eyes. “‘ow come you got to stay ‘ere with the rest of us?”

I shrugged, not wanting to put a target on myself the first day getting to know the others by explaining my Force abilities. “Kylo Ren believes I’m strong with the Force.”

Then all heads were turned to me, beady green or black eyes staring back at me as I tried to dodge their glances. With a hand raised to my mouth, a piece of the blocky food in my hand, I tried to figure out what to say, if revealing the truth was the right thing. 

“But, I don’t know. I’ve never used the Force before, so I’m not sure what they mean when they tell me I’m sensitive.”

“Well, if Ren believes you to be sensitive I don’t see any doubt in that,” Lidan said, offering me the smallest smile. I felt immensely grateful for her in that moment, for showing me just a snapshot of kindness. She couldn’t be much older then me.

“Unless he wants ya as his handmaid or somethin’,” Borsk growled, his attention back on me. “There’s no way in Kriff he’d want ya to fight for the First Order. Look at ya... Ya nothin’ but skin and bones!”

I heard both Borsk and Ro’bana chuckle at his comment, and felt fury and embarrassment light in my veins. I turned away, shielding my face so they wouldn’t see the tears in my eyes. Khoan, the other male human, was silent, plowing away at his plate of food. 

“Kid.” I turned slightly, peering through my tendrils of flowing hair to see Lidan looking at me graciously. “Don’t let them get to you. They’re nothing but talk.”

I wiped at one eye with the back of my hand, nodding and taking a swig of the metallic-tasting water. 

“Where are you from?” She asked, and I felt the tense mood lighten as Ro’bana and Borsk turned back to talk to each other. 

“Chandrila. I thought I was born there... I was born on Coruscant, but I’ve lived on Chandrila most of my life. What about you?”

“Corellia,” Lidan said, and I saw her face darken. “The First Order has been there a long time, even after the Empire was defeated, so I’m used to all of this. The First Order has always been a part of my life, so in a way it feels like home being here.”

As she spoke, I sensed darkness in her voice, and shivered. I hadn’t expected to make any friends here, on this cold ship, but when Lidan had offered her hand I had been excited. 

However, I was quickly beginning to realize that the other four Force users were supporters of the First Order. Unless they were hiding something, and doing it well, any plans I had of escape were ruined. 

With Lee gone and these four sided with the Dark Side, I felt completely alone drifting on this ship.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! :)


	7. Getting Under the Beast's Skin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Starting small doesn't always end small.

The following day, I was escorted down the normal route of hallways to a wide open chamber flanked by windows. The windows curved around the oval space, filling the room with starlight. The trooper pushed me inside, ordering me to stay put until told otherwise. I was getting a lot of that these days. 

I wandered aimlessly around the room, my hands free from shackles. I leaned over one of the expansive windows, pressing my fingertips to the cold surface. The cool shocked me, and I couldn’t help but smile as I looked out into the vastness of space. I hadn’t gotten a good look at it since my first day on the ship, and it stunned me everytime I saw it. The stars were inumerable, so much more than I could have ever seen on the darkest night on Chandrila, and I couldn’t-

“You’ve never been in space.”

I screamed, flipping around and pressing myself flat against the expanse of the window. At the other end of the room, leaning casually against a jutting wall outcropping, was Kylo Ren. He was dressed in the same black robes and metal helmet he always adorned, and even though it had only been two days since I had seen him, the same fear rose up my spine at his presence.

He took a few steps forward, his hands clenched in fists at his sides, his normal stance. I flinched, pressing a hand on the glass behind me. 

He paused, tilting his head slightly to the side. “You’re still afraid of me.”

I breathed heavily as I tried to force a response, and it felt weak in my throat. “I don’t have any reason not to be.”

“Are you being treated well?”

The question surprised me, and I wasn’t sure why he was asking it. Did he genuinely care? Was this the person beneath the mask slowly revealing themselves?

I frowned. “As well as a prisoner can be.”

Another step forward. ““I heard you disrespected one of my men yesterday.” The robotic voice cut into my own throat, leaving me speechless. It was the same words from my dream.

“He deserved it,” I snapped back, the words leaving my throat before I could stop them.

“These things don’t go unheard from me, Typhrene. You are under the First Order now and you will treat those higher above you with unearned respect.” He paused, one of his hands traveling to his belt to take his lightsaber, lightly swinging the hilt in his hands. 

“I know Hux told you of your assignment: that you are to train with me. We start today, and I don’t expect any of this bad behavior to show up again. If it does, I’ll see to it myself to deal you the consequences.”

Clenching my jaw, I narrowed my eyes at his metal mask, knowing I couldn’t see his eyes but making it seem like I could. “I’m not fighting for the First Order, or Hux, or  _ you _ .”

I heard him scoff underneath the helmet, and he took another threatening step towards me. “You have quite a temper, Typhrene, quite an  _ affinity _ for the Dark Side.”

I gaped, feeling fire light in my veins. “ _ How dare you _ ? How dare you make such an accusation?”

“It’s a compliment, cadet. You know you’re different then the others... The power held inside of you is just waiting to wake up.” His voice was low, seeping into my skin, and I stepped further down the wall of windows, trying to escape his fiery gaze. 

I pushed a hand through my hair, the strands that escaped the braid I had done. 

“You have no idea who I am. You don’t know  _ me _ .”

“You’re wrong. Save yourself the trouble and let go.”

I clenched my hands in fists, spinning to meet his masked gaze. 

“You’re scared of what I saw. Of what I’ve seen when you tried to breach my mind.”

He seemed similarly stunned by the comment, not moving from his tense position for many moments. I was getting somewhere and suddenly felt confident standing in front of  _ Commander Kylo Ren _ , the stuff of children’s nightmares. 

We were taunting each other, I knew, trying to get under the other’s skin. And for once, I wouldn’t let him win.

I stepped towards him, pointing a finger in his direction. “You’re scared of admitting what I already know to be true. You just don’t want anyone getting behind that mask of yours, to show who you really are.”

“Your visions are flawed. I have seen how often you try to convince yourself of the things that you  _ know _ to be wrong. Of how you try to make friendships wherever they might serve you, to use to your advantage.”

Lee’s name flashed in my mind, and I bared my teeth. “You’re just scared of who I am, the visions I have already seen. I know your impatience. Your fear.” 

I raised my eyes higher as I stood only a few feet from him. “I can smell it rolling off of you.”

Kylo Ren’s gloved hand flew to my neck, careening me until I felt my back smack against the cold glass of the windows. I felt myself yelping, saw my hands pulling at the single hand wrapped around my throat, threatening to cut off my oxygen flow. But, unlike my dream, he wasn’t strangling me. His grip was tight, and would probably leave marks on my neck, but I could still breathe. 

It didn’t stop me from hyperventilating, my chest rising and falling at a rapid pace. I kicked a single leg out, slamming my toe against his calf, but he seemed unfazed. The masked face loomed several inches over mine, the cold metal digging into my skin. I noticed his other hand fumbling his lightsaber, his thumb running smoothly over the switch. 

I flicked my eyes back to him. “Go ahead. Kill me. You don’t need me, anyway.” 

But he was silent, and from here, I couldn’t even hear him breathing through the mask. I pulled at his hand tighter, not being able to help the tears that sprung from my eyes. 

Kriff, would I ever stop crying?

“You have four others to choose from. They’re stronger and more capable then I’ll ever be,” I pleaded, trying to bargain with him. Perhaps I had pushed too far with my taunting, but it still felt good to have done it. “ _ You don’t need me _ .”

I felt his fingers readjust around my throat, and he suddenly pulled my closer. I slammed my hands against his chest, feeling the strong muscles underneath as my breath hitched. His free hand snatched my wrist as I raised to strike him again, his hand leaving my throat in the process. I furrowed my brows slightly as he stepped back, releasing all hold on me. 

“You will fight for me, or the First Order will have you executed,” he said, igniting his lightsaber at his side. I flinched, jumping back and raising my hands defensively. Red sparks spat and flew to the metal ground and the crackling of the saber filled the air. 

I gulped. “Why? Why not just send me back to Chandrila? I’m no threat to you!”

Kylo Ren whipped to face me, his lightsaber whirring as it spun threateningly. “You’re too powerful to be left anywhere else.”

I gaped again. “Are you kidding me?  _ I’m not powerful! _ I’ve never been trained in the ways of the Force- I’m just me! I’m normal!” 

I knew I had some powers in the Force, but I could never be as strong as he was saying. 

Or... 

No. I couldn’t be. 

“And that’s all you need to be.” 

It was the gentlest thing he could have said to me in the moment, despite the heated tension in the room and the lightsaber crackling at his side. 

I turned to look at him, but his lightsaber and flowing black cloak were descending from the room, leaving me alone in the chamber sprinkled with starlight. 

(Kylo Ren’s P.O.V.)

I had to get away, fast. The pull to the light, the urge to rip my helmet off right in front of her and whisk her back to her home planet and hide her from Snoke, had been nearly overwhelming. I knew she had been right, about my fear, about the things of my past she had already seen. But I would never admit them outloud, not even to her. 

I retreated back to my own chambers, ripping the helmet and cloak from my body and heading to the fresher. I splashed my face with cold water, trying to wash away the heat I felt clinging to my skin after our interaction. I needed to break something, demolish something under my fingertips. I went for the ceramic soap bottle on the counter, sending it flying and smashing to pieces against the wall. 

I still felt my heartbeat in my head, overwhelming me. I tried to control it, letting out deep breaths, but the feeling remained. I turned back towards the room, kneeling on the edge of the bed. I closed my eyes, trying to meditate on the Dark Side of the Force. 

Why did she make me feel like this? Why did she cause such conflicting feelings in my head?

I hadn’t meant to grab her throat, but it was out of pure instinct, one I had acted upon several times a day. The fear in her eyes nearly broke me, sending my flying out of the room right then and there. She had struggled, pleading with me, and I felt a crack form over my heart. She was trying to break me, not even purposefully. 

The crack had begun to form as soon as I had killed Han Solo, and Snoke knew it. He knew the way I hated it more than anything else in my miserable life, the way I hated  _ myself _ for doing it.

There had been hundreds before her. Men and women. Ones I had tortured or maimed or killed. 

Why was she different?

Even away from her, I felt a tug to be with her again. To be near to her. When I was with her, I felt that familiar pull to the light, the one I so persistently resisted but couldn’t help but relish in when I was around her. The one that called me back to my mother, the one that called me to a life I believe I had killed.

Nelle’s presence calmed me, for the first time in my life. The raging thoughts in my head had begun to subside when I was around her, and it confused me. Enraged me. Caused me to lash out. But I couldn’t help but want it. I just wanted her to trust me. Would she after our last conversation?

I sat on that bed for hours, contemplating my raging feelings and wondering how on  _ Kriff _ I would ever be able to handle myself in front of this girl.

This girl who was supposed to work for the First Order, work under me, as a new pawn in Snoke’s game.

At the very least, I could start small. 

(Nelle’s P.O.V.)

A knock.

“Yes?”

“A delivery for Cadet Typhrene.”

I padded my way to the door and let it open in front of me, watching as a trooper handed me a small sealed box. He nodded once and slid the door closed, leaving me in the dim light of my quarters. I sat criss-cross on my bed, turning the box over to see if there was a name. But there was nothing, and I slowly tore the tape from the top to open it. Peeling back the edges, I peered curiously inside. 

It was a Sachi blossom, a small, simple plant native to Chandrila and probably a few other planets. It was a single flower, and lay limply against the bottom of the box, but I couldn’t help as tears of joy sprung from my eyes. 

I gently held the flower in my palm, tracing my fingertips over the purple edges. I breathed in the sweet smell, the smell of home. 

_ Who sent this? Why would anyone do this? _

I peered into the box again, spotting a small wrinkled piece of paper near the bottom. Along with a hyphen, there was a single, large letter in the middle of the paper written in black ink: B.

I let my brows furrow. B. I didn’t know anyone starting with the name B. 

I rummaged through the box more, trying to find more clues. But there was none, and I slipped the flower safely underneath my bed, hidden alongside the leather bracelet my mother had given me as a child. The small pieces I had of home were a balm to my soul, and for once, I felt at peace, knowing someone cared enough to send me the small gift. 

The next morning came and before I knew it I was back in the same room as yesterday, entranced again by the vast expanse of windows leading out into the galaxy. However, there were firm, padded mats lining the floors, and a secured metal wardrobe at the edge of the room. 

The doors whooshed open and in walked Kylo Ren. I turned to him slowly, letting my hands fall to my sides as we remained about twenty feet from each other. He was lacking the usual black cloak he wore, giving me a better view of how strong he actually looked. But he still adorned that same helmet, and part of me, even after yesterday’s argument, wanted to see his face. 

“Come,” he said simply, and motioned for me to join him near the black wardrobe. 

I stared at him for a long moment, testing him, remembering how he had choked me yesterday. Eventually I complied, silently waiting and watching as he unlocked the wardrobe and opened it to reveal several sets of weights, bars, and balls. All training equipment, I guessed.

“Did you sleep well?” He asked, and it surprised me. He kept doing that, I noticed, the more I was with him. Perhaps he was letting his guard down. 

I pursed my lips. ”As well as a prisoner can.”

“Good,” Kylo Ren said simply, tossing me a weight. I caught it, stumbling as it slipped from my fingers and holding it at an awkward angle. “You’ll need your strength today.”

But the previous thought I had had of him vanished when he took a baton for himself, tossing it back and forth between his gloved hands and whirling it masterfully at his side. 

“Am I... Am I supposed to fight you?” I asked, holding the weight and watching him slide the baton in his hand. 

I heard him scoff under the mask. “Not with that. We’re going to start working on building up your strength and endurance before we get to dueling.”

The next several hours were excruiting, as he pushed me to work with the weights until my muscles trembled and my back shook with the effort. I had sweat on all parts of my body, parts of my body I didn’t even know existed. At moments, it felt like my blood vessels would burst with the exertion. On Chandrila, having been raised to farm and work outdoors, I was used to physical labor, but this was wildly different. Kylo Ren had me jog around the room, perform different types of exercises, and constantly corrected or begrudged me when I messed up. 

Which was often. 

And I felt powerless. I knew I would never be as strong as the other four, and I wondered why of all the people he had chosen me. He wasn’t strengthening my Force abilities, if I even really had any, and confusion distracted me through the whole session.

On one specific occasion, after hours of grueling workouts, he called me out again. I was on the ground, kneeling one arm on my bent knee, willing my aching body to stand. Sweat dripped from my forehead onto the mats, creating a puddle underneath me. 

“Get up, Typhrene,” he growled. I couldn’t keep track of how many times he had said that to me today. 

“I’m trying,” I muttered back and pushed my hand harder against my knee.

“Try harder. You’re wasting my time.”

I gritted my teeth. “Well,  _ you  _ were the one who decided to take their own time to train me.”

I couldn’t see him until I stood to my full height, but something wasn’t right. White spots littered his black clothes, and the edges of my vision were turning blurry. I pressed a hand to my eyes, trying to regain my focus, but it was still there. I tried to look at Kylo Ren again but just pushed my hand against my forehead and groaned.

“Typhrene.” I heard his stern, slightly concerned voice but it didn’t register with my mind.

A deep heaviness came over my body and I felt myself falling. Before I hit the ground, something stilted my body, slowly lowering me to the floor before I blacked out completely. 

There were voices, low and muttering, that I could hear before I opened my eyes. 

When I did, I wanted to jump back in shock, but something held me to the bed I lay on. I was in some sort of hospital wing, strapped by my wrists to a cot. I looked around frantically, spotting several wires attached to my right and left wrists that led to different colored panels and bags of fluids. A white curtain was drawn around the bed, cutting my view off from the outside.

“She’s awake, commander.”

As I lay my head back against the pillow, I could hear a woman’s soft voice, and the curtain beside me billowed open. It was him. He looked the same from earlier.

He stared at me from the slits in the mask, and I stared right back, scared to leave his gaze.

“Where am I?” I asked, pressing against the wrist restraints. 

“The med bay.”

“What happened?” I asked. 

He slowly came to sit beside the cot in a chair, something that seemed so natural, yet strange to see him do. I tilted my head slowly against the pillow, still feeling the sting of my aching muscles as I shifted. 

“You passed out,” he replied. 

My brows furrowed. I wasn’t prone to passing out. Had I been pushed too much? 

“Why? Do you know why?”

“To state what the medical bay staff told me, you overworked your body to the point of exhaustion, and you had no other choice than to give out.”

Something stung at the way he said it, like I had chosen to faint. “But it wasn’t my fault... I, I’m not used to doing all of that. It was too much for me. I didn’t want to, but I was so tired.”

“I know.”

“I was exhausted. I wasn’t trying to get out of it,” I said, feeling the need to defend myself. 

But Kylo Ren was quieter, a surprisingly soft balm to the fire that was beginning to rage inside. “I know. We won’t work as hard next time.” 

I sniffed, flexing my fingers under the blanket of the cot, but he continued. “We shouldn’t have in the first place. You weren’t in any condition to handle that much.”

I nodded, agreeing with him, to my suprise. I was glad he had seen it my way, and that I just hadn’t been able to handle it all. He was still looking at me from inside the mask, and I looked right back. 

“Thank you for taking me here,” I said softly, and genuinely meant it. He didn’t respond verbally, only responding by lightly dipping his head. 

“Why can’t I see your face?” I asked. 

The question surprised the both of us. We both went silent, our gaze still locked on the others. 

“You wouldn’t want to.”

My brows knitted. “Why would you say that?”

“Why would you want to?”

I gulped, tightening my hands on the bed. “Because I would rather see your eyes than look into a monster’s mask.”

After a wavering moment, he surprised me even more when he stood from the chair, turning around so his back faced me. He lifted his gloved hands to the undersides of his mask, pressing a certain feature so that the mask emitted a low whistling sound. The muzzle protruding forward, he pulled it from his head, passing it over his chest and holding it in front of him. He still hadn’t turned around, but I could get a better glimpse at the black locks that cascaded down his head I had seen a few nights ago in the hallway. He didn’t speak, but I saw his back rise and fall with every breath, the way his shoulders trembled slightly. 

I rose in the cot, pushing my hands against the restraints to rise to a sitting position. I waited for him to say something, to say anything, but he didn’t, and I took my chance. 

“How long has it been?”

“Since what?” He asked, and I heard his true, unaltered voice for the first time. It was rich and deep and  _ so human _ . 

I gulped. “... Since someone saw your face?”

“A long time.” I waited for him to turn, to put the helmet back on, but he just stood there. Eventually he turned, but my eyes were on my restrained hands, and I was too nervous to look up at him. Did I want to admit to myself that seeing him, his true face, would help me believe he could be a better person? Perhaps, if he really was that boy, that he could come back to the Light?

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” He asked, his voice low and threatening. “To see me like this?”

I let out a shaky breath as fear gripped me. “I... I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.” 

I practically felt the anger spilling off of him. 

“You get a day to recover. Then we will continue.” 

Before I could look at him, he replaced the helmet and whisked from the room, leaving me alone. I let out a sob, feeling a heaviness in my chest as he left. I was so close to grasping, seeing whatever humanity he had left, and my fear had paralyzed me. 

  
  



	8. One Day You'll Understand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nelle fights back... and plans ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> small content warning for mild physical abuse in this chapter.

I didn’t see Kylo Ren for many days after that. According to General Hux, he had been sent away on an urgent mission. In a way, I was thankful that I didn’t have to face him after what had happened. However, I still found myself thinking back to when he took off the helmet, memorizing every strand of the midnight black hair on his head. I wanted to know more, and that nagging feeling persisted even during my training sessions. 

They weren’t much. General Hux had deemed it reasonable for me to be separated from the other four at first, so I wouldn’t hurt them if I accidently lashed out. But I wasn’t sure if I tried I would even be able to, since my feelings against Kylo Ren had been so strong that that was what had forced them. 

So I trained with Grissuk, a frighteningly strong male of the Duros species. I had never seen one in person, but his wide yellow eyes frightened me half to death. We worked on building up my muscle and stamina to begin with, no physical contact. 

In my mind, I was so grateful. I didn’t want to hurt anyone else again, ever. 

So I punched bags and threw spears and lifted weights. At the end of my days, my muscles ached and burned and I spent hours in the hot shower I was provided in my quarters. Beside Grissuk, the only one I saw on a regular basis was R6-6, the black droid that came and delivered my food. Sometimes, I would hang my legs over the bed while he gathered some things I used, and talked to him. He was nice, for a droid, and wouldn’t tell me much, but that was typical of the First Order droids I came into contact with.

“So... how was your day?” I would ask. 

He would respond in a quick manner of beeps and whistles. 

“Oh, good. That’s good. I’m okay. Just tired.”

Sometimes I would toss a blanket over his head, just for fun, just to see his reaction. The droid was by no means aggressive, so it actually made me smile when he would bump into my legs, trying to use his little metal arms to remove the shield. Sometimes he would stay for longer periods of time, and I would find myself telling him of stories of my childhood. 

It wasn’t much, but I craved any type of interaction, even with a droid. Living in my village had been a dream; there was always someone to talk to, even on my worst of days. But out here, in the cold dark of space aboard a First Order cruiser, the only one I found worthy of talking to was R6. I hadn’t seen Lee in weeks, and I feared the worst.

In my third week aboard the cruiser, I devised my plan. 

I knew I wasn’t meant to stay here, fight for Kylo Ren or the First Order or any of them. I had to get home to my parents. Back to my own life. 

So when I asked to be escorted to the medical bay, and the single trooper that came to my doorway arrived, I was ready with a piece of the desk I had dismantled clutched in both my hands. My blood was boiling, and I could feel my whole body shaking when I crouched behind the wall adjacent to my door. The doorway slid open, and I flung the piece of metal as hard as I could at the trooper’s head. I never meant to kill him, just knock him out enough so I could slip past and find my way off this blasted ship. 

Metal collided against armor, clanging and ringing in my eardrums, and as the trooper swayed on his heels, hands coming to his head, I darted past. My foot caught on his leg and I collided with the ground, chin smacking the shiny metal flooring. 

Grunting, I shoved myself back up on my feet, casting a wary glance at the trooper who had passed out in my room. Cautiously, I bent forward, gently slipping my fingers around his blaster and lugging the heavy item into my arms. I never intended to kill anyone, even if they were with the First Order, but I knew what I was now. 

A fugitive. 

Footsteps echoed down the hall and I sprang the other way, clutching the blaster in both of my palms. I whirled around corners, heaving heavy, panting breaths as my legs carried me down corridors and hallways. To my relief, I hadn’t passed anyone yet, not even a droid. 

But it was short lived. 

I wheeled around a corner, my boots screeching on the metal floor, and came directly into the eyeline of four armed troopers. We stood for a moment, stunned, until one pointed my direction. 

“That’s Ren’s apprentice! Get her!” 

The words burned in my mind. 

_ Ren’s apprentice. He’ll never get that pleasure from me. _

Whirling on my heels, I ran back the other way, just as blaster fire exploded behind me, scarring the wall I had just stood in front of. I just hoped their weapons had been turned to stun.

As I ran, I remembered. Lee. I needed to find Lee. Although I really didn’t know him, and I knew at the end of the day he would probably choose the First Order over me, the least he could do was protect me. Make me not feel so alone. 

And at best, he could get me off this ship. 

So I ran anyway, charging past expansive views of the galaxy beyond my reach, past conference rooms and scuttling Mousedroids that I nearly tripped over. I ran until I could hear shouts all around me, and red lights and a blaring horn sounded through every corridor. 

I had just rounded another corner when something struck my abdomen, and I nearly flipped over backwards from the impact. Instead, my back slammed against the floor, the weapon clattering somewhere far away. I wheezed, squeezing my eyelids shut as my body tightened in pain, both from the strike to my stomach and the rough landing on the metal floor. 

“Going somewhere, my apprentice?”

I wanted to scream. 

Kylo Ren filled my vision as he leaned down to look at me, helmet tilting as he inspected me. I could feel just the tip of his boot press against my leg as he kneeled down on one knee. I nudged my chin away, only to feel a hot grip on my face and tug my eyes back to him. 

I hope he saw how much I hated him. Even how much I pitied the monster he had become, if the visions had been true. 

But he said nothing as he pulled me to my feet, allowing me to see the small array of troopers and officers that lined the hallway around us. 

“Commander Ren, if I may-” an officer started, but Kylo was quick to raise a hand to silence him. 

“Leave me. I’ll deal with her myself.”

He nearly exploded by the time we made it back to my personal quarters. I would be surprised if he let me stay in them, even after this. 

“Do you think of me as stupid?”

My mouth went dry, and I struggled to gulp. “I don’t, I don’t know-”

“I think you do know. You’ve been plotting this, haven’t you? Trying to find a way off this ship, away from me?”

The way he said  _ me _ made my ears practically prick up. It didn’t sound possessive, like I had thought it would. In fact, he sounded...  _ nervous _ .

“I’m sorry... I was just trying-”

“You know exactly the game you’re playing here, Typhrene. Don’t mock me,” he growled. “I know from the moment I took you, you would always be fighting back, defying every order I gave you-”

“What did you expect?” I yelled, and he immediately brought a hand up, one finger up to silence me. I flinched, drawing my bottom lip into my mouth, begging myself not to cry from the humiliation and embarrassment I felt. But when his fingers gripped my chin, forcing me to look up at him, I could feel the wetness in my eyes. He stared at me through that dead mask for a moment before dropping his hand. 

“If you do something like that again...”

“I know,” I snapped, my lip trembling. “You’ll kill me.”

“No,” Ren said, and I could have sworn I heard him chuckle darkly through the mask. “You’ll just wish I had.”

My eyebrows quivered and I set my jaw, staring up into that cold muzzle. “You’re cruel.”

“There's no room for mercy in a place like this,” Kylo said coldly. “You’ll come to understand.”

I drew my head back, balling my tongue and spitting straight onto the mask. He flinched slightly, although I knew he couldn’t feel it, but I couldn’t help the smirk that rose on my face. 

_ Now you can match with Hux. _

The next moment I was skidding back on my heels, my back colliding with the smooth metal wall that suddenly felt like ice on my skin as Kylo Ren pinned me. His one gloved hand, covering over half my throat, squeezed, digging into my arteries. Through the blood pounding in my ears and my own screaming thoughts, I was just thankful he hadn’t lifted me off the floor. 

Scrambling for a hold, my hand found his wrist and squeezed, while the other clawed at his own fingers. I kicked my feet out, hitting the trunks that were his legs. 

Like it was happening right before my eyes, I saw that boy again, the young one with wild hair and an even wilder smile. He was running, being chased after someone with a huge grin on his face. I could hear the distant sounds of laughter and birdsong. And then it was gone. 

After a moment, with the air being sucked from my lungs, I felt him relax. He still had a grip on my neck, keeping me firmly connected to the wall, but I could breathe again. 

I gently tugged at his wrist, breathing hard through my nose while I stared at him through the mask, trying to find the eyes I knew were beyond the cold metal. I whimpered when I felt his knee dig into my thigh, holding it in place against the wall. 

“Please,” I whispered, lightly clawing at his gloved hand. “Kylo, please.”

“Why are you begging me? Do you think I’m that ignorant as to not believe you won’t try something like this again?” Kylo growled, the muzzle of his mask brushing my forehead. 

I scrunched my eyes tight. It was now or never, essentially. I knew I could never make him trust me, but offering him this, only this, could perhaps make him more lenient. And more than anything, I was doing it for myself, so that one day I would be able to escape this nightmare.

“I’ll... I’ll do what you ask. I’ll be your apprentice,” I whispered, and at that, I felt his grip loosen even more. I heard him take a heavy breath behind the mask, and I watched my saliva slowly etch a line down the metal. 

“You won’t leave.” It wasn’t a question. 

I clenched my teeth and then nodded lightly against his hand. “I won’t.”

He suddenly released me, stepping back until I could gingerly push myself from the wall and run a hand down my neck. I gulped, feeling the way the leather from his glove had rawed my skin. 

“But I don’t want you hurting me,” I said. “Not like this.”

He had his side to me, and I could see the way his shoulders lifted with every heaving breath. 

“Is that all?” 

I studied him for a long moment, wiping a hand over my nose. 

“I’ll be your apprentice....But you’ll never have  _ me _ . You cannot break me, my spirit, no matter how hard you try.”

I saw the way his body tightened at my words, the way his hand clutched tight at his saber. But suddenly, I wasn’t afraid. 

“You can train me as hard as you want... You may have my body and my abilities to use as a weapon but I will never kill for you,” I said, lifting my chin. “For any of them. I believe in the Rebellion and everything they stand for. Even more so, now that I’ve been here. I know that I am good, and kind. I’ll be fighting back for as long as I live. I’ll never kill willingly, not for you. Not ever.”

I hoped he tasted the sting of my words, felt them deep within whatever soul he was hiding. 

“So, I’ll be your apprentice. But I’ll never be yours.”

. . . . 

In my third week aboard the cruiser, a squad of stormtroopers came to my door. 

“Cadet, we are just pulling into orbit. I have been commanded to escort you to the shuttle transport. Pack your belongings and follow me.”

A spark of hope ignited in my chest. Was I going home? Had I been too much for them? Surely not. 

But right now, I wanted to be anywhere else besides this cold ship. I packed changes of clothes, soaps, blankets, anything I would need, in a pack they provided me. At the last moment, I ducked under my bed, grabbing the bracelet, a leather band with a Corusca gem encased in it, from my sack of old clothes. I shoved the valuable item, along with the Sachi blossom, into my vest pocket and followed after the trooper squad. 

R6-6 followed close behind and I was thankful for the familiar company. We walked until we reached a hanger bay, where many different types of First Order ships lay. I climbed the ramp leading to the transport shuttle, and was forced to sit in a locked seat. R6 whirred, coming to stand close to me, and I wish he could have understood my thankfulness. 

I couldn’t see where we were headed, as the stormtroopers blocked my view, but I felt the pressure of space pull onto the transport shuttle. We were headed down, somewhere far, far below the  _ Finalizer _ .

But it was worth it when I was led outside, and sunlight hit my face. I almost cried out of joy, relishing in the feeling of its warmth. We were surrounded by trees full of green leaves that seemed to reach out and touch the sky. In the distance, on top of a hill that cascaded with waterfalls, I could see ancient buildings with rounded, green tops and tan walls. Even from where we stood, I could hear water bubbling, or maybe it was just the sound of wind rushing through my hair. I felt such peace in this place, and I would have relished in it more. But hands still gripped my arms, and those hands led me through a marked path in the trees. 

I don’t know for certain how long we walked, but the earthy ground felt comforting on the soles of my boots, the fresh air tasting sweet on my tongue. 

We soon came upon a settlement of old ruins, where a massive tent was set up in a rectangular fashion. Other stormtroopers patrolled the area, some laughing and slapping each other on the back, others holding their blasters in watch at the edge of the camp. 

The troopers escorted me to a smaller tent, where they told me would be my new quarters until I was sent back to the cruiser. Slightly confused, I nodded and slipped inside, setting my bag of belongings on the small cot. It was a modest space, and only contained the cot and a large jug of water and basin. But it was more what I was used to, with the sound of the wind in the trees reaching the inside of the tent and the sun casting golden rays against the tent’s canvas sides. I stayed inside, my hands still bound, waiting for my next order. I could stray outside, but who knows if that was the plan. So I stayed in. I tried to slip the bracelet onto my wrist, but the shackles stopped me from doing so. Instead, I pulled it up and around my ankle, hiding it beneath the fabric of my stretchy pants. 

I pulled on the velcro side of the canvas, revealing a netted-window that let me see into the rest of the camp. Some of the troopers were leaving, while others strayed at the edge. I could see R6-6 standing guard at the edge of the other tent. It comforted me to know that he was still here, that at least there was one being I could talk to that wouldn’t try to hurt me.

I stayed in the tent until the sun began to set and my stomach grumbled. I peered out the window, trying to look for R6-6. I couldn’t see him from my angle, as much as I tried, and I began to feel restless. From this angle, I couldn’t even see any stormtroopers. 

With a sigh, I got to my feet and pushed my way back through the canvas curtain entrance of my tent. Several feet in front of me lay the massive other tent, and I could hear the crackling of fire inside. Something warm and pungent hit my nose, causing my mouth to salivate. R6-6 was still nowhere to be seen, as were any stormtroopers, so I slowly made my way to the other canvas opening. Brushing it back, I peered inside slowly. 

The space was not as big as I imagined, holding several other cots, shelving units holding food and miscellaneous items, and a firepit in the middle. It was warm and inviting, and without even thinking, I stumbled over to it. Kneeling down, I placed my hands in front of it, shutting my eyes as peace and warmth brushed over me. The flames licked at the edges, and a small bundle of smoke rose and disappeared through a hatch at the roof of the tent. 

The fire, although small, was comforting, and the silence of the forest around me began to lull me to sleep. I had sweet thoughts of my family, of home, come back to me. For once, I found that tears didn’t come to my eyes at the memories.

But a single sweep of the canvas curtain pulled me back to reality, so fast I swung my head around to see who it was. In a way, I already knew without looking. I breathed out a sigh at R6-6, who came whirring in to circle next to me. 

“Hey, buddy. Where were you?” I asked. 

A single beep. 

“Classified, okay.”

I tentatively reached my hands out, still restrained, and touched the metal on the black and blue droid. He whirred softly, and I felt such sadness that my only companion was a droid, on the enemy’s side. I placed my hands back in my lap, gazing into the fire. 

Another  _ whoosh _ of the canvas curtain and my blood spiked. Kylo Ren stood several feet from me, adorning his mask but lacking the usual flowing cape he wore. At this angle, I could see the shape of him better, realizing just how powerful, how massive, he looked. 

He didn’t say anything for a long moment, but continued to look my way. I didn’t break eye contact with him either, not out of spite, but fear. I hadn’t seen him in two days, and our last meeting hadn’t been the most kind.

Without moving, he said, “You care for the droid.”

I felt a sudden urge of protection over R6, and no, he was by no means a close friend, but he kept me company, and in a way, was innocent in all of this. I moved my body slowly in front of the droid.

“He’s a good companion. He doesn’t try to hurt me,” I said bitterly.

Without response, Kylo Ren stepped forward, grabbing something from the shelves of food and tossing it to me. I looked to my side, seeing a packaged protein disc in black wrapping. They were normal on the  _ Finalizer _ , so I wasn’t scared of a possible poisoning. 

Not that he would anyway. I had agreed to be his apprentice, anyway.

Kylo Ren stepped behind me, coming to sit on a chair beside the fire, across from me. R6 slowly rotated his head, looking in Kylo’s direction, and then moved to look back at me. I handed R6 the wrapper, having him undo it for me since my hands were still shackled, and he tossed it back. 

When I picked up the disc, Kylo Ren’s voice cut into me. “Come here.”

I slowly raised my head, letting R6 take the disc from my hand. My legs felt like jelly, my feet chilled, but I stepped beside him. Without looking up at me with that emotionless mask, he began to undo my shackles. His gloved hands brushed my skin, just the slightest bit of contact. With a crack, the shackles came undone and he dropped them beside his chair. Without uttering a thanks, I quickly moved back to my spot, popping the disc into my mouth hungrily. I rubbed my wrists, the spots raw due to the shackles being left on too long. 

There was a long silence between us, and I struggled to not say anything rash. I wanted to scream at him, smack him with every ounce of energy I had built up over the past few weeks. I was not as strong as him, but stronger then when he had had me captured on Chandrila. But I stayed looking intently into the fire, questions raging in my head. 

“Why am I here?” I asked, thinking it was a pretty simple question.

He raised a hand, one single finger to stop me if I had further questions. 

“You’re here because I want you to be here. I want to train you and harness your abilities in a place where the others aren’t present. Where they can’t distract you.”

I narrowed my brows. “But... why here? Why not back on the cruiser? What about the others?”

He leaned forward in the chair, the fire reflecting auburn off the metal mask.

“You ask a lot of questions.”

I drew my shoulders in. “Well... maybe you’re just confusing. I don’t know.”

“They’re not like you... The others.” His response was quick and sharp, and sent my eyes downwards towards the fire. I felt heat on my cheeks. 

“You were distracted on the cruiser. You also respond well when your environments are ones that suit you, ones you’re comfortable with. This will help your training. We’ll spend several weeks here until I am pleased with your progress. Additionally, there is nowhere to run away to on this planet. No known habitations or colonies for at least a hundred miles. After your last charade, I was tired of picking fights with you. I needed somewhere to be where you wouldn’t act so  _ childish. _ ”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “I’m not the only one.”

I sighed low and glanced at him again.

“And what is it about me? What makes me different then the others? If you looked into my mind, you should know why.” 

But he was silent, the fire gleaming off of the metal around his mask. 

“I used the Force... you saw me with your own eyes, so you must know. And don’t give me that crap that I’m  _ special _ or whatever. I’m not falling for your mind tricks.”

He was silent again, and I couldn’t help but spit as I whispered under my breath. “Coward.”

He stood up from his seat, sending the chair careening backwards, and I flinched, holding my arms against my body. He was towering, even across from the fire, and I felt like a mouse compared to him. His broad frame and the way his hand hovered over his lightsaber didn’t help the fear in my chest. 

“You’ll be relieved to know I have no idea,” he said, his voice surprisingly straight for the tense posture he held. “I searched your memories trying to find answers, but there was nothing. Nothing to suggest why  _ you _ , of all people in this Kriffing galaxy, have the Force flow so strongly around you.” 

He stepped closer to me, and I scrambled to my feet as he advanced closer, removing the lightsaber from his hilt. He ignited it, the crossblades sparking to life and the blade protruding dangerously close to my chest. 

He was trying to get me to fight again, so my power would reveal itself. I wouldn’t give him the pleasure, not when I knew it would eventually turn me into a bloodthirsty soldier for his army. 

But something changed in his stance, and he slowly extended another lightsaber to me. I couldn’t tell if it was real, as the blade was concealed, but it still scared me seeing it in his hand.

“Take it. Strike me down,” he challenged. “I can feel the anger in you. The hate, surging through every vein in your body. You want this.”

My fingers twitched against my side. As much as I hated it, as much as I wanted to fight my way out of here and escape back home to Chandrila, I couldn’t. That same nagging feeling I had had since a child persisted, and it was stronger this time. I knew who I was, and I was not a murderer. Even if he deserved it.

I shook my head, defiantly staring him down. “No.”

He didn’t move for a moment, but in a quick flip of his wrist the end of his lightsaber was pointed back towards me, the crackling end spitting flames at me, the other lightsaber gripped in his other hand. 

“You know you want to. You have since the moment I took you from your beloved Chandrila.” Hearing my planet’s name on his mouth, through that horrible metal mask, made my lip quiver. 

I shook my head furiously. “No. I’m not like you.”

“From your village.  _ Your parents _ .”

I felt tears prick at my eyes. “Stop it.”

He advanced, the lightsaber still arched towards me, and I backed up. “They were weak to hide your powers from you for so long. Didn’t you want to know?” He taunted, and I could hear a dark chuckle through his mask. “Wouldn’t it have made life easier knowing that you could have been Skywalker’s apprentice all these years, instead of wasting away on a farm?” 

“Stop it!” I pleaded. 

He didn’t stop his movements. “They lied to you your whole life... to protect you? To keep you from becoming someone they never wanted to see? I think it was because they didn’t want to admit that you could kill them with a stroke of your hand, that you were more powerful than you ever realized and they would  _ hate  _ you for it. You could-”

“NO!” I screamed, and I felt a crash behind me. I flinched, jumping to the side and putting my hands beside my head. It was one of the organizer shelving units, and it had toppled over, sending materials flying across the tent. 

I heard Kylo Ren’s lightsaber extinguish even before I turned back around. “You see now, like you saw before. You do have power, Typhrene... untamed power. And I will help guide you, to help you harness it so that you can stand beside me as the First Order takes the galaxy.”

I let a tear run down my cheek, and held my arms together. “I’ll never do that... I’ll never help you.”

“We’ll see.” His voice was calm, and he dismissed me with a wave of his hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! i appreciate every kudos, bookmark, and view. it means the world <3


	9. Two Masks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After certain events transpire, Nelle begins to question her own feelings towards Kylo Ren, and the true man hidden behind the mask.

Sometime during the following night, I felt a presence in my tent. My eyes flashed open, sending my body careening back against the cot as a concealed figure towered over me. He was tall and bulky beneath a trembling black cloak, his arms hidden under the thick fabric. When he moved closer, I could see there was black fabric wrapped around his face, concealing his identity. But there was a small, uncovered section, revealing deep hazel eyes framed by dark thick lashes. I was mesmerized, just for a moment, his eyes blazing into mine. 

“Who are you?” I whispered, clutching my thin blanket to my chest. 

“A friend.”

My brows furrowed as he slowly kneeled beside me. “What do you mean? Who  _ are  _ you _? _ ”

“I’m with the Resistance. I’m here to take you home.”

I let my eyes widen in surprise and shock, and I let go of the shaky breath trapped in my throat. “Are- are you serious? Really?”

The figure nodded, his eyes never leaving mine. “You want to go home right?”

I nodded fervently. “I do.”

He extended a gloved hand, beckoning me to join him. “Now, come. We don’t have much time.”

I don’t know if I fully trusted him at that moment; I just knew I wanted to get home, anything to be away from Kylo Ren, the First Order, all of it. 

But I extended my hand anyway, grasping his tightly and following his lead as I quickly gathered my belongings and slipped on my boots. As we sped out, R6 was nowhere to be seen, and the firelight inside Kylo Ren’s tent had died. The forest was silent except for the loud chirping of insects and frogs as stars danced overhead. It was peaceful like this,and the cool air surrounding us felt like a balm on my skin. But I could only relish in it for a moment before the cloaked figure dragged me into the forest. 

We raced, our breaths quiet as we sped through the wood, leaving everything behind, Kylo Ren, everything he had planted in my head. Part of me, the part that wanted to know more, still lingered, but I couldn’t help but feel overjoyed at the thought of seeing my parents again and being free from all of  _ this. _ The joy that fluttered into my heart had a tight bound around me, one that even the origin of my questionable abilities couldn’t shake. 

The stranger’s hand was tight, secure in mine, and I didn’t let go. 

“How- how did you find me? How did you know where I was?” I asked, my breath shaking as we ran. 

He cast a quick glance over his shoulder, and I saw a twinkle in his eyes. “We have our sources.”

I smiled, letting out a heavy breath of relief. We ran and ran until the muscles in my legs cried out for rest, and my steps faltered. 

“Come on, the shuttle’s only a few minutes from here,” the stranger said, but I couldn’t hear him as a realization struck me. I stopped running altogether, stumbling when our locked hands froze between us. He stopped, breathing in heavy pants, turning to face me. 

“What is it?” He asked. 

I didn’t respond at first. I only looked off into the woods, anger and fear and guilt rising in my chest. 

I felt his grip on my bicep. “C’mon. We have to go.”

“My parents,” I breathed out, a whisper in the night. 

“What?” He asked, genuine confusion in his deep voice. 

I slowly turned back to him, meeting those entrancing hazel eyes. “Hux, this stupid general on their ship, said he would have my parents killed if I didn’t work for them. I don’t even know if they’re alive but... I can’t- I can’t go with you.”

A soft squeeze on my bicep. “It’s okay. We’ll make sure they’re safe.”

I felt a tear prick at my eye. “Really? You could do that?”

He shrugged. “We’re the Rebels, after all. That’s kind of what we do.”

I let out a small sob of relief, smiling at him. My first smile in what felt like years. I squeezed his hand. “Thank you, thank you so much. You have no idea what that means to me.”

I started to press forward, to run to whatever transport or shuttle he had arrived in, but the sudden tight grip on my hand stunned me. I turned back around. 

“Hey,” I said, tugging on his hand. “You said it’s close by. Let’s go.”

“Traitor.”

That’s when it hit me. 

It was him, Kylo Ren, beneath the hood. His familiar stance and figure suddenly became very apparent and vivid to me, and I stumbled back. I yelped before his hand had traveled to my wrist, sharply shoving me backwards. Pain shot up my backside and legs as I stumbled to the ground and I curled my body, fear racing up my veins. I cried out when he kneeled beside me, grabbing my flailing wrists and digging his fingers into my flesh. 

“ _ You traitor _ .”

“You lied to me!” I shrieked, tears starting to fall. 

“You would have left the moment you had a chance, right from the start,” he growled, shoving me to a sitting position. “And you would still leave, after everything you’ve seen.”

I sobbed, kicking my legs out to create distance between us. But he didn’t even flinch. 

“I wouldn’t, you know that! I told you I would be your apprentice, I wouldn’t leave!”

“You would,” he snarled.

“No, my family... I... I love my parents, more than anything. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt them.”

“This was a test, Typhrene, and you failed it,” he said, his masked face coming close to mine, and it’s when I realized I was seeing his eyes for the first time. His true eyes. Blinded with rage and anger but still mesmerizing under the moonlight. Wrought with impatience and agony, yet soft in some ways. My one hand was lingering near his masked face, my fingertips just brushing the cloth that concealed him. He hesitated, his eyes still burning into mine. For a second too long, it was too quiet, and I took my chance. 

“ _ I hate you _ ,” I snarled. 

Ripping from his softened grip, I snatched my hand forward, raking my fingernails across his face and uncovered bridge of his nose. He yelled both in surprise and rage, one hand coming to hold his face. I kicked out, sending my foot flat against his chest, and he stumbled off me. 

Scrambling to my hands and knees, I scooted away, trying to put as much distance between him and I as possible. I felt his hand brush my ankle, trying to grab me, and kicked out blindly, hitting home. Hearing him grunt, I scrambled to my feet, darting for the cover of woods around us. 

“ _ Stop! _ ” I heard him growl, his voice like fire. 

Fighting sobs, I ran through the forest, running blind with only the moon to light my path. My shoulder clipped a tree trunk, and as I cried out in pain, I collapsed to the ground, leaves and sticks hitting my chest. In those few seconds, I heard crashing in the woods behind me, and expected the nasty blow of that red lightsaber right through my middle. 

But a hand caught my ankle, and I screamed as he dragged me back, flipping me onto my back and pressing my shoulders flat into the dirt. I winced against the pain, my shoulder blades crying out in agony as I was flattened against rocks and dirt. I let out a sob, trying to fumble for a grip, for anything, but he had pressed his legs on mine, securing me to the ground. I was no match for him physically, even after some training, even when every cell in my body was telling me to fight. 

“Please, please,” I begged, shutting my eyes and turning my head so I didn’t have to face him. I felt my tears smear with dirt, leaving an itchy grime on my face. I sobbed, exhaling deeply from my chest as he made no sound. Even with the pressure on my shoulders, I pushed my hands against his chest, his stance like a mountain.

“Please don’t hurt me, I’m sorry,” I begged again, digging my fingernails into the course cloth at his chest, trying to feel some sort of control. “Kylo,  _ please _ .”

It was the first time I had called him by his first name, and something shifted in the air around us. The harsh grip on my shoulders loosened, freeing some pressure from my aching back. I breathed out in relief, opening my eyes and turning my head back to him. A gasp caught in my throat. The cloth covering his face had fallen away, revealing his face, his dark mass of hair concealed beneath the cloak hood. 

_ Kriff, Kriff, Kriff. _

He was so much more beautiful than I had imagined, more  _ anything _ than I had imagined. I had expected someone of his reputation to be ugly, riddled by scars and age after so many years of fighting and war. 

But he  _ was  _ that boy from my visions. He was young, maybe only several years older than myself. He was not handsome in the conventional way, the way that girls my age would find most men; he was different, all contrasting proportions and angles of his facial features and structure that shouldn’t have made sense together but they did. The hair that I had seen only from behind was luscious and wavy, framing the long, pale face that was looking back at me, stunned. It brushed his shoulders, covering ears that looked too big for his face but that I almost found endearing. His skin was peppered with freckles and beauty marks, scattering beside his prominent nose, and his plush lips were parted as he panted above me. 

And those eyes. 

They completed him, giving away the anger and confusion and agony I saw in him. In them I saw a raging, swirling galaxy, one that was deep and nearly endless, one that reflected what I felt in my own soul. But I couldn’t help the nausea that rose to my throat. He had killed people, thousands of people, and ordered my kidnapping. He was a horrible man that did horrible things; yet, I found myself gazing rather longingly at him, the harsh words that always met my ears not matching the soft, young face I found beyond the mask. 

So I turned my head to the side and wretched in the dirt, hearing him utter a noise of disgust and scramble off me, letting me rise slightly. When I was done, I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and looked back towards him. He was settled on the ground beside me, his eyes on the dirt. 

“I wasn’t going to hurt you,” he said, his voice low. 

I watched him, trying to calm my own sporadic breathing, but his gaze didn’t lift to meet mine. 

“How could you say that?” I hissed. “ _ Of course _ you were trying to hurt me... You grabbed me! You ran after me!”

“ _ I wasn’t trying to hurt you, Nelle!” _ He shouted, and hearing my birth name on his lips, through the voice that wasn’t altered by the mask, made me tremble. 

“You betrayed me. You would have taken the chance to leave, you still would if you were offered the opportunity.”

I shook my head. “I can’t... m-my family, Hux would have them killed.” 

“I’ve made sure they are protected.”

Letting my brows furrow, I asked breathlessly, “What? They’re alive?”

Then his head lifted to meet mine, and I felt my heart start to race again. It was strange actually seeing his face move while he talked, instead of just through the mask.

“They’re safe, as long as you comply with my demands.”

A weight lifted off my chest, but I still felt anger in my veins. Betrayal. 

“Why?”

“What?”

“Why would you even care if they’re safe? It’s not like they’re  _ your  _ parents.”

He went silent, and not in the way where he was trying to come up with a response. No, he was just gazing back at me with fury in his eyes. When he still didn’t answer, I dug my hands into the material of my pants. 

“I only ever said I was your apprentice. I’m not doing this for you, it’s for my parents. I’m just  _ training, _ not helping you with your dirty work.”

“You will. Eventually.”

I looked at him in disgust. “I told you already, I’m not helping you. I’m not working for the First Order.”

Those hazel eyes held me still. “You work for me, not them. Snoke has no say in what I do with you now... I wasn’t going to hurt you.”

My eyes narrowed, and I wanted to punch him, but I couldn’t help as tears of anger streamed down my face. 

“You don’t need me. No one needs me.” 

In my head, it felt like it was true. Sure, my parents and my community loved me, but they would move on. My loss would not be a destruction to everything they had built. No one else in the universe knew of my existence except my parents and my community, and the few beings aboard the First Order cruiser... but they didn’t really need me. Especially if I somehow had the power to kill them. I couldn’t face myself if that happened, if Kylo Ren had been right. 

“That’s not true.” 

It was gentle, and there was a hint of pain in his words. 

What had happened to him, that sweet, smiling boy from Chandrilla? I looked at him, trying to decipher what he was feeling, if he would let any guard down. He was handsome, I couldn’t deny it. But there was still everything he had done, who he was, that lodged in the back of my throat. But I couldn’t help but feel some sudden sympathy for him. 

“You are him... the boy from my visions.” When he didn’t reply, I continued softly. “What happened to you?”

A fire lit in his eyes. In one smooth motion, his hand grasped my wrist, tugging me sharply to my feet and beside him as he started walking back towards the camp. 

I fought back tears as his glove pinched my skin. “Kylo... please. I know this isn’t all of who you are. There has to be some goodness left in you, like the goodness I saw.”

But he was silent, a dark shadow in the forest. I whined, pressing against his harsh grip. 

“Kylo, listen to me. You don’t have to be this way. I saw who you were. It’s not too late!”

He spun, spinning me to face him in one small motion. I felt angry heat radiating off of him, causing a nervous sweat to drip down my neck. His once soft hazel eyes were narrowed to slits, taunting me, lit with a fire I couldn’t extinguish. 

“I’m  _ already gone!  _ Stop trying to save me,” he growled, but when I looked closer, I could see the smallest glitter of tears in his eyes. 

The hand that he held was dangerously close to his face, and I hesitantly reached out, ever so gently letting the back of my fingers run along the nasty scratch I had given him. He shivered, and I saw his lip tremble. I had only noticed now, in the dim light, how he had a deep scar running over his right eye that disappeared down his neck beneath his cloak. 

And then there it was. A flash of pain in his eyes so deep I felt it in my own soul. For a moment, my fingertips connected with his cheek, I felt heavy, like something was weighing me down. Immense pain. And fear. 

But it wasn’t my own. 

It was his. 

I huffed out a breath and stumbled back, releasing my touch on his face. He shook his head, his hair falling in front of his eyes. Then the hard grip returned and he dragged me back to the camp. 

I didn’t see him much the next few days as he told me not to disturb him until he called for me.

I wasn't sure exactly what freedoms I had concerning the camp, so I wandered aimlessly at the edges, looking out longingly into the forest, laying on my back and watching the clouds go by. I had to admit, it was a peaceful place, and I felt oddly at home here. Maybe it was the Force. 

Is that how it felt? I tried to remember the two times I had used it, but it's like the feeling had vanished. Maybe Kylo Ren was right about this place being strong with the Force, and maybe I could just sense it.

Later in the week, R6 accompanied me on a walk through the forest, where we passed by bubbling creeks, rock clusters, and finally came upon a beautiful field. It seemed to stretch for miles and miles, ending in towering cliffs with cascading waterfalls. It was evening, and the sun was setting just beyond the cliff, basking the rocks in oranges hues. 

But something was wrong. 

A large shadow came hovering over the sun, basking the field in black. I heard R6 whir worriedly just as twigs snapped behind me. I whipped around, my hair smacking my neck, trying to make out what I could in the darkening woods. 

Wind blasted from ahead of us, throwing me off my feet, and I even heard R6 let out a surprised scream and fall somewhere beside me. Flipping back over, the tall grass tickling my limbs, I looked up. 

A huge cruiser had landed in the field, just where the waterfalls lay. And from what I could tell, it wasn’t the First Order. 

I wanted to be excited, to be hopeful that maybe someone was finally going to take me away from here. But I only felt fear, even as a ramp door descended and bodies flooded out. I couldn’t see if they were carrying weapons from where I lay, crouched in the tall grass, but seeing so many people made me terrified. I didn’t know them. They could be here for any reason at all. 

Scrambling to my feet, I took one last glance over my shoulder and ran into the woods. With R6 close on my heels, beeping loudly when I took a wrong turn, I could feel the nervous sweat break out all along my body. 

For the first time, I found myself  _ wanting  _ to go back to Kylo Ren. 

I knew he would keep me safe, despite how I felt about him. I was his beloved  _ apprentice _ , after all.

The thought should have scared me, made me question everything I believed, but it was the only thing that made sense as I raced through the darkening woods. 

“Nelle!”

I stopped, slamming myself against a tree trunk and looking around frantically. It had been him, and the way he called me by my birth name suddenly made me feel extremely comforted. 

“Kylo!” I called, racing towards where I had heard his voice, R6 right on my heels. 

I would’ve slammed right into him, sent us both toppling to the ground. But he was quick and light as ever, grabbing my arms and spinning to stabilize the both of us. To my surprise, he was adorning his mask and flowing black cape. I suddenly found myself wishing to see his face, so I was looking at a human and not the mask of a monster.

“Kylo, there’s-”

“I know!” He yelled, scaring me. “I’ve already called in reinforcements, but they’ll only get here in a few minutes.”

Something boomed in the forest beyond us, causing the tree limbs above our heads to quiver. Kylo suddenly turned me to himself, his gloved fingers biting into the skin on my arms. 

“You stay next to me the entire time, do you hear me?  _ Do not _ let go of my hand. You run the other direction and that’s on  _ you _ ,” Kylo growled, his frame menacing in the dark woods. “Do you understand?”

My lip shook, and I cast an anxious look over my shoulder, immediately feeling Kylo shake my shoulders roughly. Was he...  _ scared? _

“Do you understand?” He repeated, harsher this time. 

I looked up to meet the cold metal of his mask, suddenly wondering why I was entrusting my life to him. This murderer, this conqueror of star systems that I couldn’t deny I felt a connection to. I had seen his memories, after all. 

I nodded, my throat tight with the threat of oncoming tears. 

_ Kriff. I’ve always been soft. _

His gloved hand flew to my own, yanking me along with him as we sped through the forest with R6 racing at our feet. It felt like when he had pretended to be the Resistance spy, and ran into the night with me. All I could see and feel was the tight, itching grip of Kylo Ren’s gloved hand in my own. The one that had choked me. Pinned me against walls. The one that had been gentle in taking off my shackles, the one that was now saving my life.

Everything about this, my feelings, my own desires for a free life, suddenly felt so confusing.

In the distance, however, I could hear blaster fire, feel the tremors in the ground below us.

Who were these people, and why were they here?

Suddenly I felt Kylo Ren’s hand on my chest, shoving me backwards and sending me flying into the brush. Sticks and small stones cut into my skin as I rolled onto my back. Wincing in pain, I pushed myself up, feeling my knees shake with exertion below me. My vision blurring, I looked up, peering through the thick undergrowth, my eyes catching a familiar red glow in the trees. 

If he hadn’t been murdering someone in cold blood, he might have been beautiful: his steps calculated so he could dodge attacks, his arms swinging in perfect arcs to block and disarm the enemy. The crash of the lightsaber against metal, the harmonious singe of weapon against weapon, slicing and clattering. Even from here, I could make out Kylo’s yells and grunts as he pushed the attacker back, the heavy curses of anger that flooded through his pulsing body.

My mind only came back to me, huddled in those bushes, when Kylo plunged his lightsaber through the midsection of his attacker, holding his shoulder firm as he pierced clean through him. I could hear the man scream in pain before Kylo silenced his lightsaber, the body dropping heavily to the ground without another movement. 

Stifling a sob, I threw my hand over my mouth, nausea threatening to rise in my throat. 

The woods went silent again, save for the thunderous booming in the distance, the clatter of blaster fire. Kylo Ren stood with his back to me, his shoulders and back heaving, his hand still clenched tightly around the saber. 

I had heard the stories of Kylo Ren, how he was ruthless in the hunt but... seeing it in person was wildly different. I understood now how he had climbed the ranks in the First Order, become the monster people feared him to be. He had disarmed and killed that man in mere seconds, without hesitation, without remorse. 

Anything I had felt for him, anything that was my own heart betraying me, was immediately snuffed out. 

I heard twigs snap and felt fingers wrap around my forearm, trying to lift me from the ground. 

“Get off me!” I cried, falling backwards again. I clawed viciously at Kylo’s grasp and felt him release. 

“ _ Get. Up, _ ” he snarled above me, the coder in his mask crackling with every word. 

“You killed someone!” I screamed, rolling back to face him. I was thankful when he bent to his knees so I could look at him straight on instead of craning my neck. But having him so close, seeing a spray of fresh blood on his shoulder, made me want to stab him myself.

“He was trying to kill us both,” Kylo asserted, his hand going to grab my arm again. Before I knew what I was doing, I grabbed his wrist, biting down hard on his leather-covered palm. Kylo yelled in fury, stumbling back and ripping his hand away from my grasp. 

“ _ Kriff _ !” He spat, clutching his palm. I watched with hooded eyes as he ripped the helmet from his head, slamming it on the ground and shaking out his hair. Seeing his face again, the way his eyes were a dead-giveaway to what he was feeling, made me question myself. He wore two masks, I realized then. The one made of metal and the one made of skin, both to hide who he truly was. 

His eyes swiveled back to me, and I knew he thought better than to reach out and touch me again. 

“You  _ killed _ someone,” I repeated, curling my lip. 

Kylo heaved in a deep breath, running a hand through his hair. “You know what? I  _ did.  _ I kill people, Nelle. I’ve killed hundreds like him at my hands.”

I swallowed back a sob, feeling it ache in my throat. “You’re a monster.”

His eyelid twitched, the only tell that my comment had affected him even slightly. 

“Yes. I am.”

It surprised me, how he immediately asserted himself into that role, that he accepted that that’s what he was. He didn’t even try to fight me on it. 

My thoughts came to a blinding halt as he leaned closer, speaking to me in a hushed, urgent tone. 

“They’re pirates, and I don’t know how they found my location but troopers should be on the ground now. Now you can come with me, or wait until they find you hiding out here and sell you as a slave in the Outer Rim to whomever wants you.”

My whole body shook, and I found myself tentatively reaching out to take his extended hand. In that moment, when his hand clasped tight over mine and I found his eyes lingering on my face for just a moment too long, I knew he would have never left me. Even if he had had to drag me back kicking and screaming. 

“Thank you.”

The trooper who draped a loose blanket over my shoulders gave me a curt nod, and something about it felt oddly familiar. 

“Lee?”

We were back at our base camp, with the stars twinkling overhead and the forest quiet around us. An hour after the pirates had arrived, the First Order’s battalion had already wiped them out, or at least that’s what a passing trooper told me. I had only seen Kylo in small glimpses when we had returned back to camp, and he had hidden me in the tent behind racks of shelving units. He had stayed with me, just a few minutes, armed with his lightsaber at the foot of the tent, until the troopers arrived. At that point, they created a perimeter and Kylo assigned two troopers to watch me while he went out into the woods.

I hadn’t asked him what happened. 

Now I was staring at a trooper, armed with a shiny blaster, whose stance looked very familiar. 

“Lee? Is that you?”

The last time I had seen him was after Kylo found him and I lurking the hallways of the  _ Finalizer _ in the dead of night. I had thought the worst had happened. I suddenly wanted to rise from my seat on this metal crate, hug him, tell him I was glad that at least someone else I knew was here. 

“It’s nice to see you again, cadet,” he said, and I felt my eyes brim with warm tears. 

_ Stars, I get attached easily.  _

“It’s good to see you, too. Are... are you okay?” I asked, holding the blanket tighter. 

“I am fine.”

“I mean, where did you go? After what happened... I was scared I wasn’t going to see you again.”

“I was assigned to a different part of the ship, cadet.”

_ Kylo didn’t mess with him. Thank, Kriff.  _

“Oh. Okay. Well, good. I’m glad you’re okay,” I said, extending a hand. He looked at me through his helmet for a long moment before going to shake my hand.

“The feeling is mutual.” He spoke so matter-of-factly, but I had guessed any trooper trained from birth would. I wondered briefly for a moment who Lee had been before the First Order had taken him, but it was fleeting. 

A shadow in the form of Kylo Ren loomed over us, closing in on my space and causing me to retract my hand from Lee’s like I had been shot by lightning. 

“As you were, trooper,” Kylo said, although it sounded more like a threat. He had resumed his normal stance of appearing high and mighty, adorning his usual garb, helmet and all. However, I noticed the spray of blood that dripped from his clothes now, the small nicks in the sleeves of his shirt, the way the muzzle of his mask had droplets of crimson.

When Lee nodded and walked away, off into a smaller crowd of troopers, I cast a shy glance at Kylo. He was watching Lee, and I noticed the way his hands curled into fists. 

“Don’t hurt him,” I said, quickly realizing how stern my voice sounded. 

“Why would you think I would hurt him?” He sounded nonchalant, like he had already been pondering the idea. 

“You’re staring him down like a piece of meat,” I said. “I’ve already seen what you can do. I wouldn’t be surprised if you did something else so rash.”

“You’re in no position to make such claims.”

“I...” I bit my lip, breathing out hard. “I was just...”

“You’re still upset about earlier.”

I scoffed, throwing my hands up. “Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I be?”

“What would you rather had me do?” Kylo growled, looking away. “Let him go free? Let him use you like he wanted to?”

I opened my mouth to question him, but I already seemed to know the answer. Kylo Ren had seen into that man’s mind, known his every intent. 

_ He had been protecting me the only way he knew how.  _

I wanted to shove the thought deep away, but it stuck out like a blazing star in my mind. 

I crossed my arms and looked the other way. 

“I’m never fighting for you. Or the First Order. I don’t care what you do. You can train me as long as you like but I’m never killing anyone  _ for you. _ I’m never becoming one of you. _ ” _

He stared at me with that cold, dead mask. 

“I could’ve left you in those woods, Typhrene.” His words were malice in my bones, and I fought back a new set of tears, casting my head down. 

“But you didn’t,” I said softly. 

It was a long moment before he responded. “I didn’t. The least you could do is be grateful.”

He swept aside me then, walking long strides to talk to the gang of troopers at the far edge of camp, leaving me in a cloud of confusion as to who I thought he really was. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, okay! we're starting to get the ball rolling!!
> 
> as always, thank you for every read, kudos, and bookmark! i appreciate every one of you <3 it makes my little writer heart so happ


	10. Holding Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Training begins while a new side of both Kylo Ren and Nelle begin to unfold.

My heart felt hard every time I looked at Kylo. All I could see for the rest of the week was him slaughtering that man in the woods. All the stories had been true, more true than I had ever imagined.

I went into the tent late one evening, after the stars had come out, when R6 didn’t bring me anything to eat. He had for my past meals, so I decided to go inside the tent and stake out what I could find. I had done it one night, and Kylo Ren seemed fine with it, so would it really hurt another time?

He was inside when I arrived, adorning his black tunic and mask. He was silent as I grabbed a protein disc pack and nestled in front of the fire, warming my hands from the cooler day outside. I saw him stand up out of the corner of my eye, his hands raised to his head, and a low whistle emitting from his helmet as he removed it. 

_ Kriff. Why is he doing this? To make me scared? _

“Look at me.”

His voice was no longer masked by his helmet. His voice was still deep and powerful, but sounded so much more rich and  _ human _ . But fear stilled my vision, keeping me fixated on the fire. The back of my neck broke out into a nervous sweat. The last time I had seen his face he had just killed a man a few feet from me and threatened to leave me in the woods.

“Look at me, Nelle.” The use of my first name on his lips startled me, and I couldn’t help but glance up at him. Even from across the fire, he towered over me. But he was beautiful, more beautiful in the orange firelight than I had seen him before. But the thought of him being attractive utterly revolted me, and I sensed nausea rising in my throat again. He had killed thousands of innocent people, ordered my village to burn, tortured me. Had killed that man the other night, if not countless more from the way he had returned to camp practically drenched in blood.

But my questions had been correct. He was that boy, whether he admitted to it or not. There was no mistaking that mop of dark hair or deep set hazel eyes. 

His jaw tightened. “I know you’re still upset.”

I rolled my eyes. This again. 

“It’s not like my feelings concerning this situation are going to change over a few days. You can’t take back what you did.”

“I know I can’t. I did it to protect you.”

I flew to my feet and clenched my fists, feeling sudden courage rise through my veins. 

“And then you threatened to  _ leave  _ me in that forest! You call that  _ protecting?! _ ”

Kylo Ren turned away. “You wouldn’t have followed me if I hadn’t.”

I threw my hands up. “You don’t know that. You don’t know anything about me.”

“I know more than you think.”

_ He’s right. He’s breached my mind, he’s seen my own life story.  _

“Stop acting like you know me!” I shouted. “You didn’t raise me, you didn’t grow up with me! You infiltrated my memories without  _ my permission.  _ You just stole me for your own pleasure.”

“You’re welcome to leave.”

I could have smacked him right then and there, and I almost did. Instead, I grabbed fistfuls of my hair and groaned. 

“You know I can’t! Hux and everyone else on that blasted ship gave me my ultimatum. You brought me out in those woods for a blasted  _ test _ the other night!” I yelled. “I know what happens if I try to go home. They already threatened to execute me, even if I tried.”

“I wouldn’t let that happen.”

“Oh? So, you’re my savior now, is that it?” I curled my lip. “Why would you even say I could leave? You’re the one who wanted me in the first place.”

His eyes darkened, and his mouth turned downwards in a frown. I returned the face. 

“What?” I snapped, but I could feel the threat of tears behind my eyes. 

That’s when he rose, standing to his full height, towering over the fire. The orange glow basked off his clothes, dark as night. I stumbled slightly, scared at how fast he had reacted, and found myself brushing my shins on my chair. 

“I don’t know how you breached my memories.”

_ Great. Back to this again. _

“No one but Snoke has ever been able to do it.” He began to pace, leaving his helmet on the floor. “I know you are strong with the Force but I don’t know why, or why you refuse to reveal yourself. What’s so special about  _ you? _ ”

The question felt more like an accusation, and I felt both embarrassment and anger. 

“I. Don’t. Know. I didn’t ask for this to happen. It’s not like I’m trying to breach your mind,” I spat. “I didn’t ask to get taken from my home, from my parents. If you hate me so much, then why don’t you just take me back? You said it yourself that I’m welcome to leave.”

It came out louder then I intended, and for a moment I wondered if he considered drawing his lightsaber and striking me down. But aside from his clenched fist, his face remained the same. 

“I don’t hate you,” he said, and the words came out quiet, very unlike anything he had ever said to me. 

“You... you don’t?”

He didn’t speak for a long moment. When he did, his eyes met mine, an intense gaze. 

“But you hate me, for what I’ve done. What I did.”

I wanted to defend myself, but I realized what he was saying was true. I had said it myself the night he pretended to be the Resistance fighter. 

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Perhaps I do... Maybe I wouldn’t if you admitted who you really are. Or if you let me go.”

I saw a flash of anger burst across his features. “Then you better have a death wish.”

I curled my lip, turning my head so I didn’t have to look at his too-pretty face. All disproportionate, strange features, I should've thought he was ugly. 

But he wasn’t.

He continued, talking softly. “You are strong with the Force in ways you don’t understand, but I will help you.”

My brows furrowed. “You think I want your help? To have you use me in your fight against the Rebellion? You’re pathetic. I would never help a Sith.”

“I am not a Sith,” he said, stepping closer to me. “Look at my eyes, you know the truth.”

And I did. There was no hiding that deep hazel color. In my trance, I felt his hands grasp mine, encasing them. I stiffened, looking down and seeing his gloved hands. The way his palms wrapped around the back of my hands sent shivers up my spine. 

Looking into his eyes, I felt as if I could reach in and know every secret, every reason for why he had turned to the Dark Side. His head was close to mine, and for a moment, I became lost in his eyes, glancing from his full lips back to his eyes again. I could have easily kissed him. 

But reality hit me like a blaster shot. I stepped one foot back, raised my hand, and smacked him square across the face. It surprised me as much as it did him, as I let out a gasp of shock and he raised a hand to his face. His soft eyes left mine and suddenly became much darker, and fear shot up my veins. 

“Funny... you said it yourself that you’re not like me. And look at what you’ve done.”

I blinked, feeling the sting of tears.

“I don’t care if you’re not a Sith. I’m never helping you,” I whispered coolly before he could say anything else.

His mouth settled into a hard line. “Leave me. Take the droid.”

As fast as I could, I sped through the canvas curtain of the tent and sealed myself in my own, zipping the cover closed. I velcroed the window back on, snuggled under the blankets of the cot, and held my mother’s bracelet tight.

. . . . 

“Typhrene, get up.”

I sprung up from the cot, smacking my head on the diagonal wall of the canvas tent. It was Kylo Ren’s voice, and I sprung up, changing into more suitable clothing, slipping my mother’s bracelet on my wrist, and heading outside with R6 rolling behind me. 

Kylo Ren was waiting outside, one hand on his saber and the other tossing a long baton at me. I caught it with two hands, shielding my face. The camp was still silent, but the morning breeze blew through the woods. Besides my droid, we were the only two people here. 

“I’m training you today. I’ll have no excuses from you,” he spoke, the robotic voice from the mask harsh in my ears. For some reason, I was thankful he was wearing it, so his face didn’t distract me. I looked, and he wielded the same weapon as me. He beckoned for me to follow and I did. No use in arguing now. 

“Are we actually fighting today?” I dared to ask. 

At his response, he kept his head facing forward. “Yes. We’ll start with the basics.”

I followed him to a small clearing bordered by a flowing creek just a few minutes from the camp. The glistening water enticed me, begging me to drink from it. My mouth felt parched already, and we hadn’t even begun. 

“Get into a defensive stance,” he ordered, and I regained focus and let my eyes go back to him. 

“Uh... I don’t know exactly-”

“Just try, Typhrene.” He sounded exasperated. 

I didn’t know exactly what I was doing, but I dug my feet into the ground, and held the baton in front of me, elbows bent. 

Then he rushed at me, a terrifying shadow of black capes and metal and swung his baton at mine. I screamed; he had never come at me like that before, and I felt the baton slip to the ground and bounce at my feet. I could feel the whir of wind beside my ear as Kylo swung the baton over my head, barely missing my face. 

“What are you doing?” He growled. 

Hands shaking, I bent down to take it, and found his hands wrapped on mine. 

“Hold it like this,” he ordered, bending my fingers around the baton. I looked up at him nervously, just as he raised his baton again. 

I deflected, barely holding my stance as I pushed his baton against mine. He leaned back, struck again, and I deflected, letting out a yelp as his baton struck my fingers. A sweat began to break out on my neck, and I felt strands of hair slip from my ponytail as I fought him. Anger and confusion rose in me; we had never trained like this before, only once with sets of weights and bars, and now he expected me to fight him?

He leaned back, striking again, but he went for my legs, swiping them out from underneath me. I landed on my side, my elbows crushed beneath me. I let out a sharp grunt of pain, feeling my side ache from the impact. I had landed sideways on my baton, and it scraped at my ribs and arm. 

“Get up,” Kylo Ren spoke, yanking me roughly by the arm and hauling me to my feet. 

“You said it would be the basics!” I groaned, pushing sticky hair from my face. 

He struck me again, blow after blow while I tried with little effort to defend myself. At one moment he threw me back with his own baton, and the end of it smacked my chin upwards, causing blood to spurt in my mouth. I stumbled back, one hand on the baton and the other wiping my lips. I looked, full of terror as I saw my own blood on my hand. Tears even started to build in my eyes; I felt embarrassed and angry. I glanced back up at Kylo Ren, but all I felt was the push of the baton against my legs, again causing me to fall to the soft dirt. 

As I lay there, cheek pressed against the dirt, the metallic taste of blood in my mouth, I heard Kylo Ren approach me. 

“Get up,” he repeated, and this time, let me stand to my own feet. My muscles ached, the pain stabbing me below my rib cage as I used my palms to lift myself from the ground. The baton slipped from my grasp, and as I bent to grab it, I felt Kylo Ren’s gloved hand on my forearm. 

“Clean yourself up,” he stated simply, grabbing my baton in his hand. He tossed me a small towel, and I held it against my chest, slowly walking towards the bubbling creek. I kneeled down, submerging the towel in water and bringing it to my mouth. The cool of the moisture on my skin made me sigh in relief, but the stabbing pain at my side and arm still bothered me. I knew there would be bruises. 

I wiped at the blood on my lips, trying to catch my reflection in the water but ultimately not caring what I looked like. I stepped back up towards the clearing, walking with the dripping towel in my hand. Kylo Ren was standing there and whirled the baton at his side slowly. After a long moment, he threw me my baton and stepped into his own defensive stance.

“How do you expect me to fight when all we’ve been doing is weight training?”

A beat. 

“You only get one chance in a real battle. You have to be prepared for anything.”

I gaped. “Isn’t that why you’re training me? So I can actually be ready?”

“Quiet,” Kylo growled. “Strike me.”

It was more of a command than anything. I swallowed hard, raising the baton above my head, even with my arms aching, and struck his baton with my own. When he barely flinched, I struck again, harder. Anger raced up my veins, and I struck again, out of fear, out of anger, out of impatience. He had caused me all this heartache and angst in only a few weeks, and I wanted nothing more than to let him know the pain he had caused me. 

I continued striking, feeling my movements get more powerful with each blow. But part of me still held back, the part that wanted to know who he is, who that boy in my visions had been, the one who laughed. 

I lost focus for one moment and he had a strong arm whip around my back, forcing me to arch my back. Our batons were pressing against each other, and I was struggling to stand upright as he leaned me back, his hand on the small of my back. 

In a quick movement, I jerked my knee up into his abdomen and he released his hold, slightly keeling over. In the same moment, I whipped my baton to his head, knowing he would probably deflect me. But he didn’t, and my baton collided instantly with his helmet. He staggered to the side, baton falling from his hand, and limply fell to the ground, dust clouding around him. 

As he lay there, seemingly unconscious, I felt fear prickle at my veins. The leader of the First Order. I had taken him down. Had I hurt him seriously enough to risk my own life being taken from me? What would Snoke think? 

_ Kriff.  _

I dropped the baton, throwing it across the clearing, and fell to my knees beside his head. He was laying sideways, but his head pointed upwards. My hands shook above his head, wondering on earth how I could help him. I shook his shoulder lightly, then harder when he didn’t move. He continued to lie still, and I leaned over his helmet, my hands on his clavicles. 

“Kylo, wake up!” I yelled, grabbing his tunic and shaking roughly. 

Suddenly there was a leather covered hand grabbing the front of my tunic, shoving me to my feet. He released and shoved me backwards, sending me stumbling on my feet.

“Wha.... why did you do that?” I yelled accusingly, my brows furrowed. He did the same. 

“A sloppy technique. You should never approach your enemy unless you know you’ve killed them.” His words were simple, but his tone was harsh. 

He took both the batons, and stood a few feet from me. “We’re done for today. I don’t care what you do, just be back before the sun sets.” When I lingered, I saw the way his fist clenched.

“Get out of my sight.”

I wanted to scream, yell, do anything. I hadn’t learned  _ anything,  _ except how much more of a prick Kylo Ren could be. But I turned on my heel, heading back towards the river. I needed to rinse my arms; I felt disgusting with the gleam of sweat and dirt, and I still felt blood in my mouth. 

I sat at the edge of the bank, further upstream so I could get away from Kylo Ren. It was more peaceful up here. I sunk my toes deeper into the sand, submerging my feet in the calm, cool water. A breeze rustled the trees above me, the leaves quivering gold and green in the wind. My arms and legs felt clean after rinsing them in the clear water, and I felt new again. Tilting my face to the sun, I closed my eyes, basking in the warm rays. I gripped my mother’s bracelet in one hand, caressing the smooth stone encased in leather. I let a single tear fall, for my anguish, for my fear, for my terror at what Kylo Ren was trying to turn me into. 

Surely there was still good in him. The small moments of calmness I had seen must not be for nothing. Those flashes I had seen of him as a boy... they were still there, fresh in his mind. Did they haunt him? Who had he been before all of this? Had he gone by a different name?

But there was no way that I could turn him back to the Light. Was he too far gone already?

But there was a sudden rush of wind, and I felt a power surge in my veins. 

I could try. There was no use in questioning it all if I didn’t try, not just once. 

Perhaps I could be kinder, even where he was not; calmer where he failed to be. Maybe I could not encourage him to be a kinder person, but I would feel better in the long run knowing that I had at least tried. I knew he was a murderer; that wouldn’t change overnight. But I also knew that somewhere deep down, hidden under years of his own turmoil, there was a smiling, laughing boy just waiting to come back out. He couldn’t be gone for good. 

_ Could he? _

I made my way back to the camp just as the sun began to set, casting purple and pink rays into the sky. I would have stayed longer, just to watch the stars appear, but the smell of the campfire beckoned me into the larger tent. There was nothing set in my own tent for me, or anything outside, so I went to Kylo Ren’s tent. 

I was correct, as I peeled back the cover of the canvas entrance, R6 rolling in behind me. The droid bumped into me from behind, casting me into the room. My loose hair brushed my shoulders, tickling my neck. Kylo Ren was seated at a burning fire, his maskless face illuminated in red and yellow. The second to last time I had seen him without the mask was when he protected me in the woods. 

Protected me. 

It was the first time I had thought about it like that. 

When he didn’t say anything, I made my way over slowly to the racks containing the food, grabbing a packet of protein discs and sitting on the other side of the fire. 

We ate silently, and I couldn’t even muster the courage to look him in the eye. When I was done, I pulled my knees against my chest, intertwining my fingers around my calves. The question I wanted to ask was pulling on my throat.

I quietly asked, “Why do you really need me? Is it really for the First Order, or just yourself?”

I still didn’t meet his eyes, but I sensed his eyes raking over my face. 

“It is true that we need more powerful warriors for the First Order. Rebellion is rising over the galaxy and we need as many troops as we can... but there is something else. Snoke commanded me to find powerful Force-users, but I’m afraid not all of his plans will be pleasing to you. The week I was gone I traveled to meet with Snoke. During our conversations, I had sensed that he had become more aware of your abilities. I sensed... darkness in his desires for you. He wanted you for something cruel.”

I couldn’t help but speak, and my eyes traveled to his. Deep, dark amber met sea-grey. 

“And that’s not what he uses you for? For cruelty?”

His jaw flexed. “Under Snoke’s commands I perform various tasks. But his reason for wanting you was not cooperable with me. He wanted to kill you, to take your power.”

While Kylo Ren ran a hand over his lightsaber handle, I fidgeted on the ground. 

“I... I don’t know why he wants me. I’m not that powerful.”

Kylo Ren leaned forward, sending daggers into my head with his deep hazel eyes. “I wouldn’t say the same thing about that stormtrooper you nearly killed in the training room. Or when you knocked over that shelf without even glancing at it. You have abilities that are beyond your control. That’s why I’m going to help you.”

I swallowed back a sharp retort. 

_ Kindness, Nelle _ . 

“... If Snoke wants to kill me, what do  _ you  _ want me for?”

The question scared me, and I felt like I knew the answer already.

_ He wants me to fight for him.  _

“That’s correct.”

I curled my lip back. “Stop listening to my thoughts.”

“I would if you didn’t project them so loudly. They’re insufferable.”

I grunted and placed my chin on my knees, looking into the fire. 

“You’re insane.”

I knew I had wanted to be kinder, but I found myself becoming more and more antagonized by his comments. I bit my lip. I wouldn’t apologize, not to First Order Commander  _ Kylo Ren _ . 

“Why did we train like that today?” I asked, straying away from our previous topic. 

A beat. 

“Because I wanted to push you. I wanted you to see for yourself what you could do.”

I gaped, meeting his eyes again. “By pushing me around? By doing this?” I snapped, showing him the nasty yellow and purple bruises that lined my arm where I had fallen on my baton. 

Suddenly, to my greatest surprise, there was a flash of sympathy across his face. Or... at least that’s what it looked like. Sympathy on other people’s faces looked wildly different, and for once, Kylo Ren looked like he wasn’t used to it. 

When I saw his eyes linger on my arm, I pulled my sleeve back over it, sending him daggers with my eyes. I couldn’t deny the fluttering of my heart when he had shown the tiniest bit of softness towards me in that moment. Isn’t this what I wanted, to see him change?

But the way my own emotions were beginning to sway confused me, scared me indefinitely, and I found myself looking back into the fire. 

“I’m fine,” I muttered. 

Kylo stood, walking to the stacks of shelves that held our food and other supplies, rummaging around the items. I watched him as he walked back over, holding something in his hands that he was beginning to rip open. 

“Stand up.”

I didn’t look up at him, casting my eyes back at the fire as I felt heat rise from my cheeks. It wasn’t just from the flames. 

“I said I’m fine.”

“The bacta patch will help with the swelling. They should be gone by tomorrow.”

_ Is he actually trying to help me?  _

“Get up,” he said, harsher this time, and I rose to my feet without looking at him. I extended my arm, bending it at my elbow while he tore the patch open, the leather from his gloves rubbing against my arm as he wrapped the patch around my bicep. 

“Why are you helping me?”

“So you will be ready for tomorrow.”

“No... Why are you being  _ nice _ to me?”

He stilled. 

“You’re mistaking kindness for scrutiny.”

“... I don’t think you know the difference.”

I clenched my teeth. Hard. Focused my thoughts on the fire in case he tried to read my mind again. I didn’t want him noticing how much this was affecting me. 

I sniffed harshly when he finished, tying the patch off at the ends and smoothing it down so it lay flush with my arm. I couldn’t help but notice the way he lingered, his one gloved hand smoothing down a fraying edge. I found myself looking up at him, and for the briefest moment, his eyes connected with mine. His face was soft in the firelight, and I could see the way his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat, the only way I could tell he was just as nervous as I was.

_ Holy Kriff.  _

For one fleeting moment, I allowed myself to feel things I had never wanted to. Especially not towards him. 

He infuriated me. One moment I wanted to slap him and the next he was being so soft, so like the man I saw in only snippets, that I found myself wanting to melt into him. He was the only human contact I had anymore, the only person left who actually made me feel like I was worth living. Like there was something worth fighting for. 

Maybe it was him. 

No. 

I pulled my arm away gently, gulping and gathering my things from the chair. Kylo just stood there, watching me, arms at his sides. His fingers were loose, not clenched into the tight fists he usually wore. 

“Um... thank you,” I said softly, motioning to my arm. I watched the slightest movement from his face. He didn’t even nod. 

I knew we wouldn’t get a moment like this again, not any time soon, where both of us were so vulnerable. I was tired of fighting with him, I realized. It went against everything in my nature to lash out, to scream at people. Of all the people in the galaxy, he probably deserved it the most, after everything he had done to me... kidnapping me, forcing me to fight with him. 

But there was something there, some undeniable connection I felt when things went right with him, when we were both gentle. It felt similar to when I had used the Force, but felt stronger. More powerful. Like it would equally tear me apart and put me back together. 

“Kylo...” I started, but like normal, I found him racing to beat me to it. 

“You need to know something,” he said, but this time, his eyes were on the fire in front of us. I wriggled my hands nervously. 

“When I’m with you... I feel... dare I say it: a pull to the light.”

Hope stirred in my chest. Was I correct in what I was hearing? Was he using it as a ploy to gain my empathy for him, or was it the truth? 

I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I let him continue. 

“I don’t know why this is happening... but that’s why I’m keeping you from Snoke. I don’t want him to kill you. I know nothing I can do can forgive my actions, but I hope you can at least trust that I want you safe.”

Something in the way he spoke made me feel comforted... that he had called me by name. That he was trying to protect me from whatever the Supreme Leader had planned. But another part of me, the side that hated Kylo Ren, his masked face, his unprovoked ways, felt uneasily stirred. 

I chose my next words carefully, unsure as to how he would respond. 

“What happened that made you this way?” I wanted to know, desperately. 

Then the softness of his face vanished, and the fire returned to his eyes. He stomped over to me, taking me roughly by my good arm as he led me back to the canvas door, shoving me through the entrance and out into the chill of the night. 

“You won’t get such pleasures as these, Typhrene. Go to bed. We’re training again tomorrow.”

As he vanished back into the tent, I felt pressure rise in my throat. Tears stung my eyes and I scrambled back inside my own tent, huddling under the thin blanket and stroking the Corusca stone on my wrist.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading and for the continued support!! :))))


	11. The Cave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alone in the night, Nelle is called to an ancient place filled with both answers and mysteries.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally wrote this chapter the second day i was at college and it's honestly one of my favorites. i feel like it is just a good transition into what is going to come out of nelle and kylo's relationship.

“Stand like this. It’ll help you keep your balance.”

“Like this?”

An exasperated sigh. 

“No. Twist your ankle the other direction. Make sure it lines up evenly with your arm.”

I blinked at him. 

“My... ankle? I don’t even think it’s supposed to move that way. Maybe if I-”

Chucking his baton down, Kylo marched forward, bending on one knee in front of me, his gloved hand going to my ankle. With the slightest bit of pressure, he turned it to where he had directed me, and leaned away. 

“There. Wasn’t so hard, was it?” He said, looking up at me from his place kneeling on the ground. 

His eyes caught mine, and for the briefest moment, his lips parted like he was going to say something. I noticed the way he looked softer today, just the gentle breeze of wind that wafted through his curls, the slow curve of his brow. We had just argued two nights before, and been training the two days during that time, but something was different. 

I shrugged. “I guess.”

Another heavy sigh. 

He walked away bent down to pick up the baton, and in the process, he tripped, having to catch himself on the ground with one hand. With someone of his size and strength, he looked oddly silly trying to recover from the fall, and I couldn’t help the giggle that rose in my throat. 

He swiveled back to me, and I felt the blood rush to my face, immediately stopping my laughter. 

“Are you mocking me?” He growled, and I went straight. Something about his voice was off, too. 

“Well, if you tried to get to know me better, you’d actually find out that I  _ like  _ to laugh, so...”

Something like energy flowed through me then, causing me to land flat on my face. 

“Kriff!” I cursed, pushing myself up on my knees and going to stand again. I felt pain alongside my chin where I had fallen. When I looked back at Kylo, he was smirking. Actually  _ smirking.  _ He actually looked quite pleased with himself, but not in the normal, antagonist way I usually found him in. 

“Ha ha, you think you’re so hilarious,” I mocked, rolling my eyes and dusting off my pants. 

“You think you can do better, Typhrene?” He taunted, the smirk rising to sparkle in his eyes. I returned the look. “Show me.”

We trained for several days after that, and the days turned into weeks. Every hour felt like an eternity, my aching muscles threatening to burst from my skin. I worked and trained through the knowledge that one day I could take him down and leave all of this behind, return to my parents and take us somewhere safe. 

I trained with a fake lightsaber that deflected his own, and it felt powerful in my hands... and I couldn’t deny it; it felt right. I had felt the Force more and more as I had spent time on this planet, training and even meditating with Kylo Ren. It was only when under immense pressure that I could lift or move things with my hands, through the Force. Kylo Ren had been right, to both my dismay and surprise. It felt right, like I was a complete person. We worked and worked until I had tears streaming from my face from the exhaustion I felt. Sleeping in the cold of the night, without a fire, didn’t help either.

But I was still disturbed by Kylo Ren, no matter how much time we spent together. Harshly training until I was bruised and bloody. Silent meals that I now usually spent alone, besides the company of R6. It was nice to have at least one friend, even if he was a droid. Somedays I wondered if he secretly worked for the Rebellion or just didn’t work properly like other First Order droids, and that’s why he beeped and whirred and whistled whenever he saw me. 

But in a larger sense, I was alone. My family left on Chandrila, my best friend murdered... It hit me that I hadn’t thought of her since that night, when that stormtrooper had blasted a hole through her head. My arms flexed in anger just thinking about it. 

Kylo Ren was no company. After our training sessions, lasting well into the evening, he disappeared into the larger tent. Sometimes I could hear him talking, probably on a holoprojector, and other times I’m sure he was dead because I wouldn’t ever see him. However, during the time we did spend together out of training, which was rare, I began to see him slowly open up. He was still as narcissistic and intense as ever, raising his voice at the slightest of things. But I think he was beginning to see that I was strong too, in my own way. I didn’t want to be pushed around by him, so as much as it pained me sometimes, I pushed back. I still tried to offer him kindness, but only when he was deserving. And that was rare, too.

I let my mind linger to my parents, where my thoughts clashed about them. They knew ever since I was little that I wanted to be a Jedi, so why had they never told me? Why was I apparently more powerful than the other Force-users? 

I had been aboard the Finalizer for three weeks, and now I had been on this planet twice that long. I wondered what made Kylo Ren stay here. Surely he had other responsibilities to tend to. He had told me it would help me focus, being in such a Force-rich place, and he was right. Even without using it, I found moments where I would feel it literally buzzing through my body.

I also knew it was because I had nowhere to run to on this planet, and Kylo Ren knew that. I would die in those woods if I tried to escape.

I let my mind linger, staring up through the window of my cot to look at the stars. I pulled my black shawl closer to my body, begging for warmth, but it didn’t suffice. The planet wasn’t naturally cold in the slightest, but I found the wind that whipped through the trees chillier than being in my house on Chandrila. 

Groaning, I sat up, swinging my legs over the cot and nearly kicking R6 in the process.

“Oh!” I whispered, placing a hand on his head. “Sorry bud... Didn’t see you there.”

I rubbed the smooth metal of the astromech’s head as he whirred softly. I spared a glance outside, at the quiet world just beyond my fingers. 

“I need a walk. Wanna come with?”

Bringing the shawl with me, R6 close on my heels, I headed outside. The fresh air, although chilly, was nice and vitalizing to my lungs. I tilted my head back, feeling moonlight on my face.

I let my gaze linger momentarily on Kylo’s tent, a dark mass in the silence of the night. 

Fingernails digging into my arms, I turned the other way. 

I didn’t speak to R6, barely even glanced at him while we were walking, but I could hear him beep softly behind me every now and then. I was thankful for the presence of at least one being, but for once I wished it hadn’t been the droid. 

I walked until my heels burned inside my boots and the night air nipped at my exposed throat. I pulled the shawl tighter over my shoulders, casting a wary glance at the full moon. It was no later that I came upon a cave settled in the thick woods, encircled entirely by tree roots and vines that created a circular chasm. I blinked, hearing R6 let out a small distressed beep as I edged near the cave. 

It should have scared me. I should have turned right back around and ran as fast as I could to camp. I should have been chilled to the bone with fright. Even as a child, I had always been frightened of caves. 

But I wasn’t. 

In fact, I felt it  _ calling me.  _

I couldn’t describe the feeling even if I tried, except that it was that same uneasy feeling I got when I first saw Kylo on Chandrila, the presence that felt eerily familiar. 

Steps light, breath silent, I stepped into the chasm of black, leaving R6, the forest, and even Kylo behind. The first step echoed, and I stopped, listening intently for any sound in the cave. Hearing nothing, I took another hesitant step, then another, feeling the darkness of the chasm start to overwhelm me. However, there was still that pull, that feeling that kept me going until I was feeling my way through the dark. 

Something slimy brushed against my fingers, and I yelped, drawing my hand away. At that very moment, a soft, blue light began to emit just only a few feet away from me. I could see the cave more clearly now: overgrown with moss, brambles, twisting vines that made the walls look like a maze. But I had happened upon a small opening, just high enough to where I could raise my hands and touch the ceiling. I couldn’t find the source of the light; it seemed to be pulsing from all different areas of the cave, and I turned, trying to scan the walls and-

“Who are you?”

Screaming, I jumped halfway in the air and flipped around at the ghostly female voice. A woman in black and grey robes stood just a few feet ahead of me, her hands hovering at her sides, waiting for my movement. From the dim blue light, I could make out a middle aged woman with straight black hair that flowed around her waist like ocean waves. She had a strange blue tint to her skin, like she was paper thin, but it must have been a trick of the light. I could barely see in here as it was. 

“Who  _ are _ you?” She repeated. 

“Uh... I’m not anyone, I was just, uh, passing through and got lost.. I’m no one,” I said, choking a bit. I didn’t know who this lady was, where she had come from, or if she was dangerous. Best to keep to myself if I knew what was best for me. 

“Everyone’s somebody,” the woman bit back, almost harshly. “What do they call you?”

I let a deep breath pass through me until I felt calm enough to raise my chin. 

“Nelle Typhrene.”

“Typhrene.... That is a name I have not heard of in a long time.”

I swallowed, staring back at her with wide eyes. “You know my family?”

“A few generations ago, perhaps,” she said simply, and confusion washed over me. “Although, given your complexion and your hair, you bear little resemblance to any Typhrene I knew.”

I clenched my jaw. “Well... I’ve told you my name, so who are you?”

“I am Nabeera. I was a Jedi long ago, and I served the monarchs of this planet until I died.”

Nabeera stalked towards me, hands clasped behind her back, until she was so close I could make out the radiant green of her eyes. Up close, and in the blue light, I finally realized what she was: a Force ghost.

_ Oh. _

That’s why she had said generations. 

It all hit me suddenly and I stumbled back, falling on my backside in the dirt. I had expected her to laugh, or rush at me with a hidden weapon or something. But when I looked up she was only staring right back at me with lips drawn in a hard line and eyes that shined even harder. 

Feeling embarrassed, I slowly pushed myself to stand again. I watched her warily as her eyes scanned over my body, my face, studying me. I felt an odd chill in my body, like she was looking into my very soul. 

“Why am I... seeing you?”

“I show myself to those who need it,” Nabeera said coldly. “And those who need to hear the truth.”

“And what truth do I need to hear?” I asked, staring up at her. 

She swept forward, coming nose to nose with me so fast I nearly fell over again. 

“Kylo Ren will change you inside and out, and there is nothing you can do to stop it.”

I felt the blood rush from my body, until I felt like I was as see through as Nabeera was. It was the words I had tried to force out of my own head, tried to defy even though I knew there was no escape. They were words I had tucked deep away so I didn’t have to let myself linger. 

“I... I’m not going to be who he wants me to be.”

“You say that, but you have a tendency to sway between the Dark and the Light, Nelle Typhrene. You must be careful of your own beliefs, and who you see yourself as. Straying too far will turn you into someone you will never recognize.”

I blinked. “Why... Why would you say that? I would never turn to the Dark Side.”

Nabeera stepped closer, her black locks hanging in a curtain around her face. “Would you not? Your emotions come easily to you, Nelle Typhrene, a little  _ too easy  _ sometimes. Your anger is rash and quick to show itself when you feel threatened. Your desire for purpose and growth is reflected in values of the Dark Side. Look at you now, desperate for answers I cannot give you. Your eyes are a window to your soul, child.” The word would have been comforting, but she said it with such malice. 

“Kylo Ren is training you for that very purpose, is he not? Is not his every desire to have you at his right side, slaughtering his enemies at every beck and call?”

I clenched my hands into fists. “It may be what he has in mind, but... it’s not what I want. And he knows that.”

“Are you so sure?” Nabeera turned and began to pace, clasping her hands behind her back. “I have told you that you can do nothing to stop what will happen. I know it myself that Kylo Ren has been training you already. You have seen how he is fueled by anger and rage. Just because you are his apprentice does not mean he will treat you the way you desire to be treated by him.”

I gaped. “I don’t... I don’t feel anything for him. Not what you’re saying.”

“I see your soul, Nelle Typhrene. A soul that is just as lonely and tormented as his. You see yourself in him more than you’d like to admit. And that’s why your feelings scare you.”

I bit back tears. “I shouldn’t feel anything for him. He kidnapped me... he took me away from my parents. He’s destroying who I used to be.” 

“He is doing exactly the opposite. He is unraveling the person you have always wanted to be.”

Nabeera’s eyes trailed down my face, and I stepped towards her. “I feel connected to him, like I’ve never felt with anyone. He makes me feel... like someone understands what I’m going through... Is it wrong to feel this?”

“I cannot answer that for you.”

Groaning, I dug my hands into my hair and kicked at the dirt. 

“How do you know if I’ll turn? What if... what if I help him back to the Light?”

“He has been too far gone for too many years. There is no one that can turn a heart of stone back to a heart of flesh but that very person themselves.”

“Well I’m not perfect either. You said it yourself that I waver, and... you’re right. I let my emotions get to me. I... slapped him, the other night. I’ve never slapped anyone like that, or been angry enough to even think about hurting someone.” I raised my head, looking at her again. “But I wouldn’t turn. Not willingly. I know who I am.”

“Then why do you keep searching for answers?” Nabeera challenged. “Why do you keep looking in every crevice, any person you can, just to know more about who’s been hiding under your skin all this time? You say you know who you are, Nelle Typhrene, but I think you know you’ve barely scratched the surface.”

I pressed my hands against my thighs as flashes of my own abilities appeared in front of my eyes.

“I... I didn’t want this. I just came out to take a Kriffing  _ walk  _ and now I feel even more confused than I was. I didn’t ask for this!”

“Did you not?” Nabeera questioned. “Did you not spend twenty three years of your life looking for answers? Looking for something more? Desiring a life that was beyond your control?”

Frustrated, I shook my head. “Does Kylo Ren even deserve my sympathy?” I asked, desperate to turn the conversation around so I didn’t feel like collapsing. “Does he?”

But Nabeera was silent, her eyes on the far wall. 

“If you can tell me so much then why can’t you tell me this?” I begged, stepping one foot closer.

Nabeera raised her head, radiant green eyes burning into my soul. 

“Because some things are not for me to tell. You must figure them out on your own.”

“Please!” I begged. “I don’t have anyone else here! You’re the only one I can talk to... I just... I want to see him change. I saw his memories. I see glimpses of who he used to be, who I believe he could be again.”

“If you wish to see him change, you must be willing to change yourself. You must be his light where there is darkness, his calm where there is only violence. You must be his balance.”

I blinked again, stunned by her sudden answers and the clarity I felt amidst her confusing words. 

“You must tell no one of this. None of what you saw, or heard.”

“Why are you telling me all of this? To make me scared? I thought Jedi were supposed to help!”

“I am telling you this because you have denied these very thoughts. They are essential to your growth, child, but you so constantly push them back, and deny who you are meant to be. That is why you were called to this cave, and to me, because you were too ignorant to see what’s right in front of your nose.”

I felt tears mark my face. “You said you were a Jedi. I didn’t expect them to be so harsh.”

Nabeera’s eyes narrowed. “This world is not just black and white, Nelle Typhrene, as is the Dark Side and the Light Side. Both the way of the Jedi and the Sith are corrupt with false teachings and wavering methods that have equally brought peace and destruction to our galaxy.”

She stepped closer towards me until her robes brushed my knees.

“You have wished your whole life to be a Jedi in an era where the time of the Jedi has all but vanished. Perhaps that is a good thing. Being a Jedi does not mean the same thing as perfection, and it does not determine ultimate peace.”

Nabeera went to turn away, suddenly looking faint in the dim blue light. Frightened of her absence, I stepped forward.

“Just tell me one thing. Please.”

Nabeera glanced over her shoulder.

“Can he be a different man? Like the boy I saw in his memories?”

Silence. 

And then Nabeera blinked, her face suddenly going soft. 

“He can be. But that is a path of his own choosing, and it will not be defined by you.”

In a small whiff of air, the blue light went out and I felt myself being pushed back by some invisible force. I was stumbling backwards, moonlight on my skin, yelping when my back collided with a tree. My head spun when I collapsed on the ground, even more so when I heard R6’s familiar beeping next to me. 

“R6?” 

The droid pulled up next to me, letting out a shrill signal of concerned whistles and beeps. 

“I’m fine, I’m fine, really,” I said, patting his metal head. “I don’t know what happened... I just...”

I remembered Nabeera’s words:  _ you must tell no one of this. _

I blinked. “I’m okay. Come on, let’s get back to camp.”

I stood shakily to my feet, casting one last long look at the cave where I had wanted answers, but had left with more questions and a heart twisted in two. 

. . . . 

“You look terrible.”

I stared up at Kylo between locks of hair that had tangled in front of my face. I finished brushing off my shirt as I stepped out of my own tent, dressed in my sparring clothes. He stood maskless with two batons in his hand just a few feet from me. 

I blew a strand from my cheek. “Wow. Thanks for the compliment.”

Nabeera’s words were still poignant in my mind, and I just hoped Kylo wouldn’t infiltrate my thoughts and find out what had happened. 

I cleared my throat and pulled my hair back into a loop. “I couldn’t get to sleep.”

“Why?” It wasn’t a caring question, but it surprised me anyway. 

I shrugged. “Just have a lot on my mind I guess.”

“Like?”

I stifled a groan. Some days he said too little and some days he said too much. 

_ Kriff, why is he like this? All over the place with his feelings all the time? _

“I don’t know... I was missing my parents, I guess, okay?”

He took my exasperated sigh with an even face, drawing his lips into a straight line and beckoning me to follow after him, tracing his steps through the brightening wood. We reached the clearing as we did everyday, but to my surprise, Kylo didn’t begin by throwing me one of the batons. Instead, he beckoned me towards him and readjusted his gloves without looking at me. 

“We’re doing a different exercise today,” he said flatly, and I looked up at him expectantly, half scared. “I want you to hit me.”

I blinked. “What?”

“I told you to hit me. We’re working on hand to hand combat and I want to see where you’re at.”

“Um, I don’t know,” I spluttered. “I haven’t done this before.”

“You’ve already slapped me, so I wouldn’t consider that to be the case.”

I gritted my teeth and stared defiantly back at him. “Don’t test me.”

“There’s that fire,” Kylo said, almost triumphantly. 

I wanted to cry, or scream, or hit him or something when he said that. It was a culmination of everything I had been scared of, everything that Nabeera had confirmed last night, and it rocked me. 

Swiveling on my heel, I walked back the other direction with my hands in fists and my skin on fire. I felt that darkness rising, the desire to run my nails over his skin until he was bleeding. And the desire that called me to feelings that scared me, things I felt towards  _ him. _

“Nelle.”

He rarely called me by my birth name, so when he did and lay a hot grip on my arm, I spun back around. I rarely got a glimpse of his face before I started yelling. 

“I don’t want to be like you! I never want to be like you! You may have seen my memories but that doesn’t mean you can just use me however you want because you feel like you  _ know  _ me or something.” I stepped closer, almost chest to chest with him. “I don’t  _ want  _ you to know me. I never wanted any of this.”

His lower eyelid twitched. “We need to continue your training.”

I shook my head. “I’m done being your tool. I can’t live like this anymore.”

I watched his eyes narrow. “And what will you do? Where will you go?”

“I don’t need to tell you,” I growled, feeling the fire in my veins. 

We watched each other, our anger mounting, devouring each other’s eyes like wolves. 

“What happened last night?”

I broke. 

With as much fury that boiled in my veins, along with the confusion I felt in my own feelings and my conversation with Nabeera, I plowed into him. It knocked him straight off his feet, landing flat on his back in a billow of dust. Throwing myself onto him, I clawed my fingers into his shoulders, nearly ripping the black fabric that clung to his skin. In my haze of anger and fury, I could feel myself yelling, grunting as I wrestled him, my body lit with a fire I couldn’t extinguish. 

I felt his hands on my arms, my shoulders, pushing me, but I only grabbed fistfuls of his shirt between my fingers, pulling upwards and slamming him as hard as I could back into the ground. At that moment I didn’t care if I hurt him, not even when I dug my knees into his hips, not even when I scratched my nails down the exposed skin of his neck. All I felt, all I heard and saw was the darkness both Kylo and Nabeera had seen, coming at me full force. 

For once, I felt like I was in control. And I relished in it. 

But the moment I saw him wince and caught the smallest glimmer of wetness shine in his eyes, my mind came back to me. Stumbling off, I collapsed on my side in the dust, heaving and shaking with every breath. I knew my strength was no match for his, but the image that flew in front of my eyes next shook me more than anything. 

It was like I was in Kylo’s own body, seeing his surroundings through his own eyes. There was pain in my right cheek, like I had been slapped, and blood on the ground in front of me. Somewhere ahead of me, ahead of Kylo, there were bright, haunting blue eyes shining back at me. The fear I felt, the cold grip of darkness, was so overwhelming I thought I would be stuck like that forever. 

But then it was gone, just like every other memory I had seen of his. 

I didn’t cast any lingering glances on Kylo when I started sobbing, digging my face into my forearms and writhing in the dirt. I didn’t care if he saw how I cried for him, how he had suffered abuse and I had inflicted that same pain on him. 

It was my own doing. I had been too caught up in the devious call to the dark that I had been blinded by my own morals, everything I was trying to stand up for and believe in. 

I don’t know how long had passed by the time I felt a warm hand on my back. I shivered against it, knowing Kylo had stood up during the time I had been crying, watched me, and walked over... to comfort me?

I should have been the one comforting  _ him,  _ after what I had done. Even if he really didn’t deserve it, I definitely didn’t deserve sobbing in the dirt after I had been the one to attack him. He hadn’t even hurt me in the slightest while we had been tussling. 

But I kept crying, and felt his hand lay firmly on my trembling back, until my throat was raw from sobbing and all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and disappear. 

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled when I had finally stopped crying. 

“Why?”

I bit my lip. He sounded genuinely interested. 

“I... hurt you.”

“You didn’t.”

I shook my head, shakily rising to stand, rubbing a hand over my face. I couldn’t look at him, not with what had just happened. 

“I... I did,” I sniffled. “I scratched you and I  _ wanted  _ to hurt you... until I saw it.”

“What did you see?”

I almost started crying all over again. “Someone had hurt you. You were bleeding, and terrified... who was it?”

He didn’t respond, so I didn’t press him. 

“What happened last night?” He asked suddenly. 

“What?”

“Something’s been bothering you since you woke up. Just because you feel my emotions doesn’t mean I don’t feel yours.”

I blinked, fumbling for the right words. “I heard what I needed to believe.”

I remembered Nabeera’s words. 

_ You must be his light where there is darkness, his calm where there is only violence. You must be his balance.  _

I looked at him then, inhaling deeply and staring back at the man I knew was trapped under his skin. 

“I’m going to help you. Just... don’t give up yet.”

As confusion washed over his face, in an expression I could only read as,  _ I don’t need rescuing, in fact, you’re the one who needs help,  _ I turned and left silently with those words lingering in the air, praying and hoping he knew the meaning behind them. 

Nabeera has been right. No matter how much I fought it, Nelle Typhrene of that little village on Chandrila was disappearing, growing, changing into someone new. 

And I felt like maybe I could actually have a say in it. 


	12. A Concord of Wits

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Nelle's feelings mount.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song i listened to while writing this chapter: 'bitches broken hearts' by billie eilish

Something inside me stirred the following night, and I fled from my tent. I turned towards Kylo’s tent, where I could see the flickering orange flames beyond the canvas walls. 

However this time I could hear him talking, and I was surprised I hadn’t even heard him from my own tent. He was practically shouting. 

“I’ve given everything I have to the Dark Side... I’ve never hesitated before.”

There was another voice, husky and raspy, but from the crackling audio it sounded more like a projection. 

“And yet... I sense a great unrest in your spirit, Ren. You waver between the Light and the Dark far too often for my liking.”

“I’ve been distracted... it’s nothing I can’t handle. I’m working it out.”

“I’m hoping this has nothing to do with taking on your new  _ apprentice. _ ”

Then Kylo, in a low voice. “She means nothing to me.” 

I didn’t know why the comment hurt so much, but it did. 

After being taken from my home, separated from everyone I loved, and forced to spend the last few months with him _ , _ nothing hurt more than hearing him say I didn’t matter. Like I didn’t matter to anyone anymore. Like I didn’t matter one ounce to the enemy who had been with me day in and day out for weeks.

What had I expected anyway? That he would treat me like an equal? Treat me like a respectful human being for once? 

Despite Nabeera’s words and my own feelings, I was quickly wondering if Kylo felt anything at all. 

I heard the other voice let out a deep groan. “I would hope so. She could mean the difference between strengthening or incapacitating your training. She would be much more useful to me, had you not so eagerly petitioned to take her on... I was surprised, Ren, that you fought so hard for the life of a simple farmgirl. We’ve been testing new methods for months, and her untamed power could have been of great value to us.”

“She’s worth more to us alive.”

“As you’ve told me before. I just hope you’re right.”

The tent went silent, but even from here I could hear Kylo’s angry breaths. They started coming closer, and I was leaning too close to the tent to scramble back to my own as he threw the curtain open.

Stunned, his eyes met mine.

“How long have you been standing out here?”

I clenched my jaw. “Long enough.”

Turning on my heel, I stomped the other direction, and right as I turned I heard Kylo’s heavy footfalls behind me. 

“Nelle, wait.”

At a firm grip on my forearm, I whipped back to face him. 

“Is that really all I am to you? Nothing?” I yelled, feeling the spite burst through my veins. “Weeks and weeks of training and mind-infiltrating and talking about my abilities and I’m just a pawn? A little toy in your game with Snoke? You have no regard for me as an actual _ human? _ ”

I watched his jaw clench and his gaze flit to the unground, his body unmoving. 

I sniffed. “Fine. Don’t say anything. It’s not like I expected you to ever care anyway.”

I went to turn and felt a hot clasp on my wrist. 

“Don’t.” If I had known any better, I would have thought he sounded desperate.

As I pulled out of his grasp, peeking past my hair at his hooded eyes, I sighed. I was exhausted: physically, mentally, emotionally. And it wasn’t just because of Kylo Ren. I was tired of fighting for my freedom, trying to maintain the smallest bit of semblance of my old life that I had left. Tired of battling between the Light and Dark in my very soul. 

“Why me, Kylo?” I asked, finally feeling tears start to sting at my eyes. “Why me, out of all the people in this whole galaxy? Why couldn’t you have just chosen one of the other four back on that blasted ship, or, or I don’t know. Maybe gone around the galaxy and looked for someone else among the billions of other people?”

Kylo stilled, drawing in a breath. “You... were always stronger than the others. Even before you realized it.”

I groaned, fisting my hair. “You know, you say that a lot. I’m starting to wonder if you’re just trying to make yourself believe it.”

“Hux told you I sensed you before we even arrived on that planet... but that was a lie.”

My brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I sensed you long before that... months before that. You weren’t using your abilities but I had... visions of you. Of us.”

_ Us. _

My throat felt dry.

“And,” Kylo continued softly, wringing his hands together. “For once in my life, I felt like someone else dealt with the same things I did, that same clawing loneliness... The Dark Side is in my nature, Nelle... it’s who I am. But when I started seeing those visions, I started to feel the pull back to the Light, as much as I hated it. But I also saw someone seeking answers, questions I knew I could help answer.”

There was something strange, something eerily familiar in the way he spoke to me. I had felt a connection to him the first moment I saw him on Chandrila. As a child, I heard voices, ones I felt like were the Force calling me. Now, suddenly, I wondered if it had been his voice the whole time. 

He took a small step towards me, his eyes flitting from each of mine.

“That’s why I chose you. And why I fought with Snoke when I found out what he wanted to do with you.”

I let out a debilitating breath, feeling a weight sinking into my chest. 

“I guess you’re expecting me to thank you.”

He shook his head, to my greatest surprise. “I don’t expect that from you. I’ve treated you poorly from the choices I’ve made... I know I have. And there’s no excuse for any of it, none that would make what I’ve done to you reasonable in any amount.”

“Well... I’m not much better,” I mumbled, remembering how often I had wanted to kill him, sink my nails into his neck and watch him bleed. How even yesterday I had let my emotions become too much and  _ hurt  _ him. The darkness in my own soul had risen up in that moment, like many others, and I had relished in it, much to my own dismay.

“I wanted to kill you after what you did to that man in the woods,” I muttered. “And even the other day I...”

“I know,” he said, surprisingly soft. “I felt it in you... You know why I had to do it.”

I threw a hand through my hair. “Yeah, sure. Because you were ‘saving’ me from a greater evil.”

“He would have done unspeakable things to you... things I would never do.”

Caught by surprise, I looked over at him. Even in the dim light, I could see how tired he looked. This was a new side of Kylo Ren to me, one that was almost gentler, more transparent with his words.

I found tears in my eyes, hot and stinging. “I just want to go home. I want to be with my parents again... I don’t even know what happiness feels like anymore.”

“You were happy back on Chandrila... were you not?” He asked softly.

I shook my head furiously out of frustration, feeling a mix of building emotions. 

“Well... I thought I was happy! I thought I was happy for the longest time, but when I think back on it now, I only see how I was distracting myself from the larger truths I was feeling... how I  _ felt _ the Force, for years. I felt incomplete, but everyone in my village always made me aware that I wasn’t Force sensitive. That I wouldn’t ever be, so eventually, I just believed it.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw him shuffle his feet. “And you’re not happy here.”

I rubbed at one eye. “No. Not in the slightest.”

“You do realize that I’m trying to  _ help  _ you.”

I furrowed my brow. “For your gain, correct? So I can be your little mini Kylo Ren and do your biddings?”

I gaped as he shook his head, his dark waves bouncing on his shoulders. 

“You mistake me. My end goal is not your submission, Nelle. You’re a living, breathing person just like I am and when the time comes, I want you to be comfortable. I want you to be happy.”

I scoffed. “You’re crazy... do you even hear yourself? I don’t think I could ever be happy around you. You told Snoke that I was  _ nothing _ !”

I noticed the way his throat bobbed. “I said that so he wouldn’t suspect anything. Had it been any other situation I would have never spoken of you like that... You... You aren’t nothing, not to me. You’ve never been.”

A dangerous, treacherous part of my heart burned at his words, and I suddenly felt a longing rise in my throat, a familiar ache of loneliness and a need for companionship bubbling its way into my chest. Was this what Nabeera had meant by Kylo changing me? 

Was I insane? Actually thinking that Commander Kylo Ren would even care about me in the slightest?

Yet, I found that the words he had spoken to earlier with Snoke were quickly fizzling into my mind, and I found instead a warmth blossoming in my own soul. I hoped the man I was seeing tonight, the tired eyes, the unkempt hair, was a raw glimpse of who Ren had been before he turned to the Dark. He was suddenly a man I found myself wanting to know.

“... Would you still leave? Even after realizing you had abilities?”

I studied him for a long moment, and he did the same. 

“I don’t think I can give you an answer right now... and even if I did, I would never be happy like I was at home.”

Kylo’s jaw clenched. “You said you were happy there... but you also said that you felt incomplete. So which is it?”

“I should have been so happy, and I wasn’t. I had my parents and my village and my friends but I was always restless. I always wanted more...” I found that my eyes had swiveled back to him, trying to feel some sort of ground between us. 

I didn’t know why I was being so vulnerable with him; perhaps it was because he was the only other person here... maybe it was because he was the only one that could understand what I was feeling, and I was finally understanding why. 

Snoke had been orchestrating everything from the very beginning. Even now, he pulled the strings on everything Kylo Ren did, making sure that he got his way. 

And now Kylo was pulling back against the strings, fighting back, and I found that I was desperate to know why. Did he want to turn back to the Light, return to that laughing, carefree child he had been? 

Had Snoke been those blue eyes I had seen in Kylo’s memory, the one where someone had hurt him? 

“I always  _ felt  _ like I could be more.”

“You can be.”

I felt like screaming. “But I didn’t want  _ this _ to be how! Being kidnapped, being forced to train with you. But... I feel more complete now, like I’m actually learning who I’ve always been. And I hate that it had to be this way, like this. I feel like...”

“... Like what, Nelle?” He was gentle, never moving towards me. 

“Like there wouldn’t be any other person in this whole Kriffing galaxy who knows what I’m going through, who understands the things I’m feeling.” I turned away, brushing hair over my face so I didn’t have to look at him. 

“Except you... Of all the people in this Kriffing galaxy, and it’s you.” 

I couldn’t see him, but I sensed him breathing deeply and messing with his hair. 

“At least it wasn’t Hux.”

I found myself wanting to laugh. I glanced over at him, curiously raising a brow. 

“Were... Did you just make a joke?” I asked. “About  _ Hux _ ?”

There was the smallest curve of the right side of his lips, in an almost-smile. I had never seen him show such emotion, such a breakaway from his usual restrained facial features.

“If anyone deserves it, it’s him. You should be glad it wasn’t Hux. He spends way too much time fondling over his cat anyway. He wouldn’t even bat an eye at you.”

I found myself laughing, just lightly through my nose. It had felt like a millennium since I had laughed, and it made tears come to my eyes. When I looked back at Kylo, he was doing that awkward half-smile again, something that made his rigid facial features as soft as a feather. It made him look younger, healthier, like he was full of life instead of a cold robot forced to do his master’s deeds. 

“I’m glad to know that at least one person pays some attention to me,” I said, catching the laugh in my throat. 

“I always paid attention to you.”

The comment was soft, so soft I barely heard it, and when I lifted my head, Kylo’s eyes turned from me.

The moment was short-lived, and I found a small wave of disappointment flow through my chest. I had enjoyed how human Kylo Ren had become, and how much it surprised me to actually be smiling around him. Even as quickly he could go back to his old self, I was seeing him in a different light. 

“I, um... I should get to bed,” I muttered, shuffling my feet.

I watched him rake a hand through his hair. “Right. I’ll, uh, see you tomorrow.”

I blinked. Were we actually having a civil conversation for once? I couldn’t help but admit that it was actually nice, even if he still was my enemy. 

_ Was he? _

Snoke was pulling all the strings, he had been from the very beginning. Kylo himself had been the one to find me, felt the pull to the Light inside himself, and not been able to watch Snoke take me for himself. Snoke was the Supreme Leader after all. If the stories were true, he had practically turned Kylo Ren into who he was today. 

“Okay... goodnight,” I said, turning on my heel. “Um, Kylo?”

“Yes?”

I took a breath. 

“Just so you know... I’ve paid attention to you, too.”


	13. Shrouds of Starlight and Semblance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe feeling understood means connecting with the person you never wanted to.

It was cold the following night, so cold the chill bit at my limbs and I forced myself out of the cot. 

“R6?” I said softly, and he beeped to let me know he was awake. “I’m gonna go on a walk to warm myself up. Wanna come?”

With the droid at my legs, I exited the tent, coming into full view of Kylo’s own. I could see the fire sending soft waves of orange and yellow light onto the canvas walls. I chewed at my lip. 

I had seen Kylo today, but it was as if last night had never existed. I hadn’t expected him to change at a moment's notice, but part of me longed to talk to him, just for once to have a  _ normal  _ conversation.

Breathing in deeply, I peeked inside, R6 brushing between my legs. Kylo’s head rose at my entry. He was standing at the far edge of the room, rummaging through the shelving units. 

“Hey.” 

It felt way too informal and casual of me to say, but I realized we usually didn’t engage in any  _ normal  _ conversations that weren’t centered around my training or the First Order’s plans or Kylo grumbling to himself. It was new territory for the both of us, even after last night. 

He didn’t say anything, just lay down what he had picked up and looked at me with hooded eyes. I gulped, brushing my hair back. 

“I’m, uh...”

“What?”

I pushed my shoulders back, curling my fingers around the canvas door. 

“I’m going for a walk... I just thought I would let you know.”

“... Why?” He asked, narrowing his eyes. 

“Um...” I stumbled for words. “I don’t know. Just in case you were wondering where I was, you know, in case pirates came back again or something. I’m just heading North, so...”

“Okay.”

I couldn’t stop the way my eyebrows shot up. “Oh, o-okay?”

“Yes. That’s what I said,” he shot back, but there was no malice in his voice, which surprised me. “Is there something wrong with that?”

I shrugged, shaking my head. “I don’t know... I guess I just expected you to argue with me or something.”

“Just because I argue with you on a daily basis doesn’t mean I always prefer that method of communication.”

“Oh,” I muttered. “Well... what would you prefer?”

“I’d prefer to just talk to you.”

I fought back the way my heart fumbled in my chest. Suddenly he wasn’t Kylo Ren anymore. And I wasn’t Nelle Typhrene of Chandrila. I shouldn’t have felt this way, not after he had kidnapped me, forced me to become his apprentice. Not after everything he had done.

But I did anyway, and it scared me more than anything he had ever said or done.

“I’d prefer to talk to you, too,” I said, and nearly slapped a hand over my mouth. I watched Kylo’s Ren’s brows raise just slightly and whipped back through the curtain, walking with my head lowered towards the woods. The droid behind my legs chirped once, and I swatted my hand blindly in his direction.

_ Kriff. Even the droid knows I’m getting a crush on him.  _

A  _ crush _ ? Was I insane? I couldn’t be getting a crush on Commander Kylo Ren of the First Order. That was way out of line. What would my parents think? What would that old matchmaker back on Chandrila say? I was still his prisoner, technically.

I groaned into my hands. “ _ Kriff! _ ”

But I couldn’t deny the way I felt towards him. It had been slow at first, barely a light in my own heart. Then he had nearly  _ smiled  _ at me last night, and we had joked momentarily about Hux, and it all came crashing down from there. Now it was starting to feel overwhelming, to the point where I was afraid. Was this what Nabeera had meant in the cave?

I glanced back down at R6, who rotated his head to look up at me. “Alright, let’s go.”

I set a slow pace, fast enough to get my blood pumping warmth into my lungs, but haste enough to enjoy the atmosphere around me. The night did something to the forest of whatever planet we were on; it seemed to change it. Fireflies, also native to Chandrila, skittered around the trees, illuminating branches and leaves. I could hear frogs in the distance, and the sounds and sights of the forest calmed my uneasy heart and wavering feelings. 

I came upon a formation of rocks, just jutting out beyond the surface of the trees. With a grin on my face, I pulled myself up the first set, digging my fingernails into the crevices of stone. 

I heard R6 whir behind me, and cast a quick glance over my shoulder. 

“I’m fine, just wait there. I’ll only be a minute!”

Gritting my teeth, muscles straining, I pulled myself higher and higher, feeling the ground give way beneath my legs. I didn’t look back, keeping my head tilted to the sky where I could just see the glitter of stars beyond the arching tree branches. My boots dug into rock, pushing myself until I could feel my fingernails scrape the top of the rock. With one hand, I pulled back tree branches blocking my way, feeling them scrape against my back as I pushed myself through the trees. 

Collapsing against the roof of the rock, I let out a heaving breath. After a moment, I pushed myself to a standing position so I could look out. 

It was beautiful, so unlike anything I had seen on Chandrila. Moonlight glimmered down onto a ocean of trees, shining on leaves that rustled in the passing wind. Overhead lay a canopy of stars, so vast and so wide I thought I might just get sucked into the vastness of space. 

“Wow,” I breathed out, sitting down on the ledge. As I lay on my back, I let my feet dangle right off the edge, waving them slightly as I let a wonderful peace wash through my body. I watched comets and stars dance overhead in a beautiful harmony, and let my breath settle as my body relaxed on the warmth of the rock. I closed my eyes and let my mind transport me somewhere else. 

It had only felt like seconds when I felt another presence behind me, the snap of twigs as someone was breaking through the tree limb I had climbed through. I clenched my hands into fists, preparing to fight as I flipped my upper half around, twisting on my hands. 

To my greatest surprise, it was Kylo. He had twigs stuck in his hair and sticking out from his shirt, but he didn’t seem to notice when he looked down at me. His lips were parted from the climb, slowly breathing to even his heart rate again. He looked almost beautiful, the silver gleam of moonlight mixing like stars in his midnight hair. 

“Hey,” he said softly. It sounded strange through his voice, something so normal.

“ _ Oh, _ ” I whispered, trying to ignore the little flutter of my heart again. “It’s just you.”

I saw the slightest lift of his shoulder, almost a shrug, and when he didn’t move, I lay on my back again. I had been too content enjoying the moment to ask him anything else... why he had come after me. I guess he had spotted R6 waiting in the woods below. 

I let my eyes close again, listening to his gentle footsteps as he stepped nearer to me. I should’ve been afraid, I would've been afraid if I hadn’t known he had no intentions of killing me anymore. I don’t even think he had wanted to to begin with. 

I felt his presence linger just for a moment before he sighed heavily and moved beside me. I felt the slightest brush of what I guessed was his arm against mine, and peeked with one eye to see him lying next to me. As I creased my brows, he got more comfortable, shifting his shoulder blades into the rock. I watched him from the corner of my eye, genuinely curious, until he finally lay still, and I moved my eyes back to the stars. 

We lay in silence, but I knew he was looking at the stars, same as I. 

What was he thinking of? Dreaming of? Were they similar to the stars, just beyond his reach?

I thought then, gazing at one lonely star, how Kylo Ren himself must feel terribly lonely. From what I had seen on the Finalizer, he wasn’t close with Hux or any of the other generals I saw. He passed by people with that terrible mask, never once stopping to greet someone. I knew it was in part due to his personality too, but I couldn’t help to think how he sat alone in his tent. At night, for hours. I could usually see the firelight burn for hours while I tried to fall asleep in my own tent. Sometimes I heard him rummaging around, but very rarely. Most nights, and most days when we weren’t training, he was by himself, not even wanting the company of R6. Had it been the same on the Finalizer? The same everywhere else he had lived and reigned? He had even admitted to me last night that he was lonely. 

Suddenly my world came to a crashing halt when I felt his fingers brush the hand that was at my side. I hadn’t realized how close we were until then, nearly shoulder to shoulder. What made my heart race a little more was that he wasn’t wearing his gloves. I had rarely even seen his own bare hands, let alone touched them. 

I tried to fight the urge to stand up and race back to my own tent, to escape the oncoming feelings I knew were beginning to rise in me. I tried to talk myself into it, that or saying something to ruin the moment,  _ anything  _ from making myself believe I didn’t want his hand in mine. 

But there it was again, just the lightest brush of his pinkie finger against the smooth side of my hand. I didn’t look at him, didn’t even try to see his facial expressions because I was trying so hard to contain my own. I could feel my breath quake in my chest, seeing my body tremble when I took a deep breath, even more so when I finally reached out myself, brushing my hand against his. 

It shouldn’t have ever been this nerve-wrecking, making me want to curl into a ball so tight I would disappear. But something about him, something about the unspoken connection I felt so strongly between us, made me feel that way. It felt dangerous to even accept what I was doing, how I was feeling... I hated him, didn’t I? Wasn’t I supposed to?

The only tell that he showed me he was just the tiniest bit nervous was the slightest intake of breath through his nose when I finally curled my pinkie around his, accepting his embrace. He was still slow, edging carefully as ever, calculating methodically just like he had been during our training. He took every moment like it was a lifetime, spreading them so far it felt like I had lived a hundred lives before he finally wrapped his hand in mine. His hand was large, large enough to cover my whole hand, and felt like it could break my palm easily under its grasp. The hand that had pinned me to walls and roughly grabbed my arm and thrown me to the floor.

But for once, I found no violence. 

He was gentle, and incredibly warm, the calloused fingers and smoothed palm gliding against my own. He was so  _ unlike  _ himself I knew I was seeing the person underneath, the person who only wore the mask of Kylo Ren, but not the soul.

When his palm finally settled against mine, and my breathing had evened out, I never wanted to let go. Peace like never before wrapped around my soul, like a warm embrace I never knew I needed. Found in the person I had least expected it from, but realizing that he was the  _ only  _ person I could receive it from. He understood me when no one else had. Protected me like his life depended on it. Despite the captivity I felt under the First Order, he suddenly felt like the wings I needed to reach my freedom, my true destiny. Helping me reach a deeper understanding of who I was, reaching into every deep part of my very being and showing it to the light. 

I wanted to do the same, I  _ hoped  _ I had been doing the same for him. Everytime I looked at his face, I saw that sweet, laughing boy with wild eyes and even wilder hair. More and more so, every day, I was closer to getting to know that boy, the man I knew that was trapped under years and years of anger and violence. 

I just hoped he felt the same. 

“I do.”

I let the tears flow silently over my cheeks like those waterfalls I had seen a few weeks ago, for once not caring if he saw me cry. 

Even if it was for him. 

The moment I felt myself falling asleep I rose to stand. Kylo flinched beside me, and as his warm hand left mine, there was a strange chill on my skin. We both rose to our feet, silently dusting off our pants in the quiet of the night. I went to turn and found Kylo already looking at me, his head tilted at his towering stance, chin nearly pressing into his shoulder. His hazel eyes were soft, gentle orbs of brown and gold as he looked down at me. I stared right back, but there was no intensity, no fight or argument in our faces. For once, I was just looking at him with gentleness. 

Frightened by my own feelings, I slowly made my way down the rock, waiting with R6 as Kylo followed alongside me in the silence of the woods. 

We had just stumbled wordlessly back to the camp, when my fingers met the canvas door and I glanced back at Kylo. He was already looking at me, again, the soft silver gleam of moonlight casdading on his features, making him look nearly beautiful. Like a lonely, glowing star caught in a web of darkness. 

And then the right corner of his lip twitched, until I was sure he was trying to smile. Most people wouldn’t have even considered it a smile, but if it was the best he could give me for now, I would take it. 

. . . . 

It continued like that for weeks. 

We trained furiously during the day, starting as early as when the sun rose and the birds sang. We would jog beyond the perimeter of the camp to get our blood flowing, then retire to the clearing where we stretched and Kylo taught me more moves and attack positions. He was relentless during the day, mocking or challenging me when I performed a maneuver wrong and I would snap back at him. He resumed his normal Kylo Ren aura, and some days it frustrated me so badly I wanted to get up and walk away. We would barely talk when I would come in to grab something to eat, and we were just as quick to avoid each other’s lingering glances under the firelight. 

He was a different person under the silver gleam of the moonlight. His face, his whole demeanor became softer as soon as he climbed on the roof of that rock to find me. 

It felt like routine now. Sometime after dinner, I would stumble off into the woods with R6 close behind, scale the rock formation, and lay there with my eyes closed until I heard Kylo arrive. There were rarely any words spoken between us, barely even a glimpse of each other’s eyes, and in a way, I wanted to keep it like that. It felt like our own little secret where Commander Kylo Ren and Nelle Typhrene, master and apprentice, heir to Snoke and warrior-in-training, didn’t exist. It was just us, and that’s all I needed. I found myself actually expecting it now, glad to end my day by staring off into the stars. Especially when he was right beside me, hand warmly clasped in mine. Q 1q

I was deep in whatever I felt for him now, I knew that. I knew it from the night under the stars when he had first grabbed my hand. I went to sleep that night with my face shoved into the pillow, trying to forget the ways I caught him looking at me, trying to fight off the voices that begged me to leave him, but also the ones that begged me to stray closer. It was a never-ending battle. 

I wondered... did he feel it, too? Was it as hard for him as it was for me?

If it was, he didn’t show it. 

“Nelle.”

He rarely called me by my first name. 

“... Yes?” I whispered, scared to break the silence. 

We lay shoulder to shoulder, our typical position, staring up at the stars. It was the end of the first week we had been doing this and my heart swelled every time. When his hand was clasped in mine, the voices in my head disappeared. Everything felt right, and I was scared he was going to say something to turn it all back to what it used to be. 

Before we started finding each other’s hands under the night sky.

Before we both made each other feel less alone.

Before I found myself wanting to connect more and more with the person I had never expected to find that solace and companionship from. 

He went silent again, and for the first time that week, I tilted my head to look at him. He always looked so handsome under the moonlight, the broadness of his nose and strength of his brow shimmering with a silver touch. I had begun to think of him more and more that way over the past week, not just as my master, or the leader of the Knights of Ren. I wished I could reach out, just run my fingers lightly through his hair, get a grasp at what it actually felt like. It looked so soft now. 

“Kylo?” I whispered, lightly squeezing his hand, just the smallest pressure of my fingertips on the back of his hand. 

But he didn’t say anything, and for the rest of the time, I wondered what had been on his mind. 

When his hand finally tightened around mine, I squeezed back, trying to pour all my words and feelings into that small embrace. 

. . . . 

“What were you going to say the other night?”

Kylo was silent for a long time, and I was scared he had fallen asleep or was going to stand up to leave.

“The day I had told you to hit me, I... wanted to see you use the Dark Side. I wanted to see you hurt me.”

I felt a sting at the back of my eye. “I did. I’m sorry.”

“But that’s just it. You felt remorse. You had no reason to yet you did anyway.”

“Oh.”

It was all I could think to say, because he had said more than I had ever expected. 

. . . .

Two weeks in.

“Kylo,” I whispered in the cool of the night. 

“What?”

“Your-your glove,” I said, lightly poking a finger at his encased hand. 

“Oh,” he realized, taking it off faster than I had ever seen him do. It was also the first time I had seen a real blush hit his cheeks. 

_ Kriff. Maybe he likes me, too. Like I like him. _

The thought lingered when his palm finally slid into mine and squeezed, deeply acknowledging my presence. I let my eyes close, the tears coming full force again. He was used to seeing me cry, I knew that much. But when I sniffled loud enough for him to hear, I felt his hand squeeze mine. It was gentle, not the tight grip I was used to for so many months. Feeling him, knowing he was there right beside me, the tears turned into sobs. I wasn’t embarrassed, there wasn’t room for that anymore with everything we had gone through, so I let the tears fall down my face, using the sleeve of my free arm to wipe snot from my nose. 

“Nelle?”

I steadily turned my head to face him, laying down on that rock, knowing he could see my bloodshot eyes in the moonlight. I parted my lips, letting a trembling breath pass through them.

“I’m just tired... I miss my mom, and my dad,” I whispered through the sobs. “I just feel really alone.”

A beat, and I watched as his eyes went to each of mine, studying me, trying to understand the chaos of my emotions. 

“You’re not... You’re not.”

. . . . 

“Nelle?”

“Yeah?”

His eyes were still trapped on the sky. It was the end of week three, and he had linked our fingers together, the movement sending sparks up my whole body. If it was even possible, he felt even closer to my hand than before. 

“Will you ever trust me?” His voice almost sounded pained. 

Letting my brows crease, I mulled over the question until I felt my back ache from the rock below me. When I responded, I knew I was gone for good. 

“I’m learning to.”

. . . . 

“Kylo.”

“What is it?”

I breathed in steadily, keeping my gaze at the stars. 

“I’m not killing for you. Just because you’re training me for the First Order doesn’t mean I support it or anything it believes in. If I’m being honest I hate it, more than anything, and I would go home if it would mean my family was safe. If it meant no one would ever come after me.”

Kylo didn’t say anything, so I continued after a long moment. 

“You can train me as hard as you want to, drill it into my brain, but I’m not going to break. I’m never killing anyone for you, or the First Order. I won’t just be another weapon. Not for you. Or Snoke... Or anyone. And I understand if it comprises my safety but at this point I don’t care. I feel alone as it is anyways, and I doubt anyone will miss me besides my parents. I know who I am... I’m learning more about myself everyday but I know where my morals stand, and I won’t let you or anyone take them away from me. Ever.”

It was the boldest I had ever been in front of him. I had wanted him to hear those words, know those words from my lips for a long time. 

I expected him to get up and leave, or retract his hand from my grasp. Anything to show me he didn’t care what I did. I had the short end of the stick, anyway. 

But he did none of those things. In fact, he was silent, his hand not even twitching, until I eventually rose to leave. I was standing up, dusting off my pants, when I sensed him moving behind me. 

“Nelle.”

I tilted my head to look at him through my hair, slightly nervous. “... Yes?”

I watched as his shoulders moved, taking a deep breath, before his gaze drifted upwards toward the stars. 

“... regardless of what happens, I wouldn’t let him kill you. I wouldn't let anyone.”

. . . . 

It was week four, and his hand was still clasped in mine. My body ached from the particular rough combat moves I had learned during the week, and his warm hand was a welcome change. I had a sting from the combat saber on my arm, and a similar one marked Kylo’s neck where I had nicked him accidentally. The sabers weren’t fatal in the slightest, but I couldn’t help the trepidation when I realized what I had done. However, I found that Kylo’s response was less furious than the other times. He had even dismissed me after that, letting me have the afternoon off. I had spent the wavering sunlight hours with R6, building a small garden of acorn shells, leaves, and rocks on the shore of a bubbling creek. It brought me back to being a child, laying on my stomach in the grass, creating my own little worlds. 

Now I knew I was in one of those little dream worlds, but this time, this one was real. 

“Kylo...” I started, scared where I would finish. 

“Yes?” I felt his eyes on me, and turned my own head to slowly look at him. I had meant to tell him I thought he was beautiful, despite the scars he bore, despite the anger that consistently crossed his features. But suddenly, when he looked at me, and his deep hazel eyes hit home, I found myself speechless. 

“What is it?” He asked, eyebrows creasing lightly. 

I gulped and forced the fear down my throat, looking it right in the eye. 

“Should we even be doing this?” I whispered, so low I prayed he had heard me. 

He had, and I watched as a mix of confusion and anger shook his features. I nearly cried out when he sat up, ripping his hand from my grasp, and I followed suit to rise halfway with him. 

“I-” I began, reaching for his arm. 

My grasp stopped halfway, my arm floating in the air when he whipped back to face me. 

“Do you even want to?” Kylo accused, and I could hear the irritation in his voice. 

“I... I do, of course I do!” I shouted, cursing at myself inwardly for being so honest so quickly. “You think I just come up here every night and wait for nothing?” When he stared back at me with fiery eyes, I said, “Well, it may come as a surprise to your thick-headed self but I actually enjoy this, in fact,  _ I like it!  _ I  _ like  _ holding your hand, and being with you when you’re like... when you’re...”

“When I’m like what, Nelle?”

I set my jaw, looked at the devil straight in the face. “When you aren’t Kylo Ren.” He scoffed, brushing me aside and rising to his feet. I slid onto my hands and knees, following suit. 

“When you’re gentle, and kind. When you’re letting the Light in. That’s the person I  _ want  _ to know.”

Without another look at me, he headed to descend the rock, and I reached out to grab his tunic, roughly pulling him back. He only stumbled slightly, nearly losing his balance as he wobbled treacherously near the edge of the rock. 

“I-I’m sorry,” I spluttered, withdrawing my hand. 

Whipping to face me, he bared his teeth. “Are you  _ kriffing insane? _ This was your game, wasn’t it? To get me to come up here and fantasize about what could be so you could eventually throw me off this rock?”

I shook my head frantically, not being able to help the tears that sprung suddenly to my eyes. 

“That was  _ never  _ my intention, I swear.” When he set his jaw, I stepped closer, having to tilt my head to look up at him. “Look into my mind. Go ahead. You’ll find your answers.”

When he didn’t move, and the only inclination of his anger he gave me was the harsh breathing of his nostrils and his icy cold stare, I reached forward.

“Go ahead,  _ look! _ ” I screamed, ripping him forward with a fierce tug of the front of his tunic. His legs knocked into mine, and I suddenly realized how close I had brought him to me. My grasp on his tunic had sunk my own arm into my chest and I could just feel the slightest brush of his hips on my abdomen. Kriff, he was so tall. Even at his immense height, my grasp made him bend his back, his face the closest to mine it had ever been. Even the night I had slapped him. 

I hadn’t been this physically rough with him since the day I attacked him, without any weapon that is, and it all came crashing down on me. Letting out a harsh breath, I released him, stepping back to give us both the space we needed. Or at least that’s what I tried. 

The next moment, I felt both his hands on my arms, tugging me sharply back towards him as my foot touched air, and not rock. I had been dangerously close to the edge, nearly bringing myself toppling to the ground, my death, when I stepped away from him. But he had been fast, as he always had been, and brought me back to himself. 

I felt my cheek hit his chest, his hands pressed firm against my shoulders as he shuffled away from the edge, keeping me close to him. Blood rushed to my cheeks and I wriggled violently, nearly knocking him over again. I spun so he didn’t have to see me when tears flooded my burning cheeks, when I had to hold myself from shaking. I had never been that close to him before, never felt that  _ much  _ of him before, so warm and safe in his embrace. 

I heard him scoff behind me, just a few feet. 

“Trying to get yourself killed, too?”

I squeezed my eyes shut. “No.”

“Guess I should have just let you fall then.” When he said it, I didn’t believe him. Even from here, I could hear his voice quiver. 

“Wouldn’t be such a great loss to you... you can always replace me.”

He didn’t speak for a long time, and I wanted to turn around and race back to my tent. But he was blocking the way, and I knew he would see my face. When he did speak, his voice was low and pained, like someone was driving a knife into his sternum. 

“You know I can’t... I wouldn’t.”

I bit my lip, hanging my head. Before he left, I turned my head to ask him, “Did you look into my mind?” He had to know I had been telling the truth. I wanted nothing more than to hold his hand for the rest of my life. 

I saw his face from the corner of my eye, the way his eyelid twitched and how he had to turn away when he responded. 

“No. I don’t do that anymore.”

“What do y-”

“Not on you. Not anymore.”

He clambered down from the rock, disappearing into the night, and I watched the stars fade until the sun peeked above the trees. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, thank you so much for reading and supporting my beloved book. i love love love comments and feedback so never feel shy to say anything. i love ya'll so much :))))))


	14. Pushed to the Brink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow! long time no see, faithful friends of this story. I hope i didn't keep you waiting too long with this book. It is basically completed in my google docs so I will be uploading it slowly and fixing grammar/continuity issues. enjoy!!!

The first night after it happened, Kylo Ren wasn’t there.

I didn’t return again.

Instead, I found myself tromping towards the cave deep in the words, where I had met Nabeera. Maybe she could give me answers.

How desperate I had been for any sort of reciprocation from him. How hopeless I had been for any type of human connection at all. How stupid of me to think he may have even liked me _too_ in the first place.

He was the Kriffing _heir_ to Supreme Leader Snoke. He couldn’t have room for feelings like that.

_... Could he?_

“Nabeera!” I yelled, stepping boldly into the musty darkness. “Nabeera, I need to talk to you!”

But she wasn’t there, and as much as I tried to make out objects in the darkness, my eyes still only beheld the blackness of the cave. After a long moment of pacing and running my hands through my hair, I turned to leave.

_Oomph!_

My backside slammed into the damp ground beneath me, knocking air from my lungs.

“Insolent child,” I heard the familiar, husky voice. “Do you have no respect for the dead?”

Blinking away my blurry vision, I tilted my head to meet her fierce green gaze. Nabeera didn’t look happy in the slightest, her shoulders arched threateningly. Before I could stand, she was already bent on her knees in front of me, long wisps of hair curtaining her features.

“Why are you here?”

I swallowed. “I have questions.”

“You will always have questions, and you cannot expect that you will always have someone to answer them for you. Even at your age, you still hold onto childish expectations.”

Feeling both anger and frustration boil in my veins, I pushed myself to stand, staring her down.

“You told me that he could change. You said that I needed to be his balance, and I tried to be. I was _nice_ to him, and it actually felt right to do that. Because he showed me it back! And... And I... I messed everything up last night. Everything had been going so right and I ruined all of it.”

I saw a glint of disgust in Nabeera’s eyes. “You place too much responsibility on yourself, Nelle Typhrene. I told you before that he could change, but that _you_ would not be the reason for it. You cannot expect that everything will go your way just because he acted _kind_ for a few measly weeks. Anyone can fake humanity.”

I gaped. “He wasn’t faking it, I know he wasn’t!”

“You seem so sure, yet you barely know him.” Nabeera stepped a foot closer, nearly coming nose to nose with me. “You surprise me, Nelle Typhrene. I would think that you were... _defending_ Kylo Ren’s grasp at humanity.”

“... He’s human. Same as I.”

Suddenly, her thumb and forefinger were pressed into my skull, an immediate burning sensation following her touch.

“I see your mind, child. You are conflicted beyond reason in the case of this man. You won’t admit to yourself or to him that you _like_ the idea of him being more than just Kylo Ren. Perhaps... you care for him.”

She was right, and she knew it. I couldn’t stop the way my dreams in the dead of night stuck out in the forefront of my mind, ones where Kylo Ren was doing more than just holding my hand, ones where he held me, ones where I saw more than just a ghost of a smile on his face.

I reeled back, my hand latching around the small baton at my waist and swinging it in an arc straight at Nabeera. But my movements were futile, as her see-through hand caught my weapon meters before hitting her face. Something gleamed in her eyes, something I thought was foreign to the training of Jedi; perhaps I had been wrong.

With a flash of her vibrant green eyes, she yanked the baton from my hand, throwing it into the darkness behind her. I stumbled back, huffing for breath at her quick movements.

“You’re proving my words to be true, young Typhrene,” Nabeera taunted, gaining ground. “Kylo Ren has changed you already.”

Anger lit in my body, and as sure as I was about her wanting to see it, I couldn’t help but relish in it. I threw my hand out, using the Force and clumsily shifting a column of rocks to crumble at her feet. But my mind didn’t register until then that she was in fact a ghost, and could practically walk through everything I threw at her.

Realizing my mistake, I stumbled backwards until my back collided with the mossy stone of a wall at the other end of the cave.

“You savor this type of power, don’t you?” When I could only shake my head as she drew closer, she growled, “You have to fight it, or you’ll become exactly who Kylo Ren desires you to be.”

Tears suddenly stung at my eyes as I remembered how I had let the Dark Side take over that day with Kylo, how my fingernails had left red welts on his neck and how overcome with anguish I had been after realizing that I had just been another person in his life that had hurt him.

Swallowing the knot in my throat, I cradled my head in my hands, trying to force away the ghost of Nabeera, trying to force away the confusion and agony I felt over the events of the past few months.

A cold wind burst past my ears, and when I raised my head, Nabeera and the cave were both gone. Dried tears caked on my cheeks, and my fingers ached from where I had scrunched them in my hair. I was somewhere deep in the woods, huddled against an outcropping of trees. Stars danced overhead, and I wondered how long I had truly been out that night. Nabeera’s words stung in my mind.

“Nelle!”

_Kylo._

Shaikly, I tried standing to my feet, bracing my hands against the tree trunk, but Kylo reached me first. His hair was frayed, and he was dressed in looser black clothes than I had seen him in before.

“What are you doing out here?” He asked angrily, going to reach for my arm.

Seeing him so close, the way his hazel eyes lit when he saw me, after everything that had happened last night, made my heart jump.

_Perhaps... you care for him._

I swatted away the hand that reached for my arm. “Don’t touch me.”

To my greatest relief, he actually backed away, putting his arms at his sides. I pushed myself to stand, keeping one hand on the tree trunk beside me. I wiped away the dried tears with my sleeves, knowing he had probably already seen them.

“Where were you?”

I blinked. “I... I just needed a walk.”

“What happened?” When I looked at him with a confused expression, he only stared right back.

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“You were crying... And I know something happened.”

“How?” I asked. “How did you know something was wrong?”

“You can see my memories... sometimes I can feel your emotions as strongly as mine.”

I swallowed hard, pushed away the tears and feelings I knew were coming.

“Is that why you’re out here?” I asked, not being able to help the judgement in my voice. He gave no reply, and his gaze flitted to the ground, so I pushed past him without another word, scared of my own feelings and his desire to stay silent.

. . . .

I didn’t try to talk to Nabeera again.

But my walks in the forest continued for my own sanity.

I walked towards the calm sounds in the forest to come upon a small river. The brook was calm and quiet, the soft bubbling of the water soothing my mind. I stepped closer, digging my bare feet in the sand on the bank. R6 stayed close by, but didn’t stray any further, in case he became trapped in the sand.

I stepped forward, dipping my feet in the water. I stepped until it came up to the middle of my calves, and I stepped forward to dip my hand in the water. It was cool on my fingers, relieving the pain of calluses and scrapes I had received in the past several weeks. I ran my hand over my hair, cooling my scalp. I bent forward to dip my hand again, but as my foot readjusted, I stepped on a mossy stone, sending me tumbling backwards into the water.

My face went under for just a second, and I came back up, gasping for air. I heard R6 make a screeching sound as I resurfaced.

“Hush, R6!” I hissed, looking over at him. The last thing I needed was for Kylo Ren to find me submerged in a creek. Especially after our last argument at the rock.

I hobbled out, my skin, clothes, and hair soaking. Water dripped from my hair, into my eyes. I rubbed my face, and then the cold hit me as wind whipped through the forest. A shudder ran through my body, and I pulled my cloak tighter around me.

I let my mind wander as I walked back, trailing water behind me.

“Stupid, stupid,” I muttered to myself. “I just needed a walk to warm up and now look at what I’ve done.”

I made my way back to the camp, still dripping and feeling ice run through my veins. I peered over at my tent, dark and lifeless, and then over to the larger one. Even from here I could see the orange glow of a fire inside. I stood there for a moment, pressing my knees together, debating on what I should do. I could go back in my own tent, change into dry clothes, but I would still be freezing the rest of the night.

I needed that fire, as much as I didn’t want to see him right now.

Letting a sharp breath out through my nose, I padded towards the canvas entrance of the tent. I couldn’t knock; there was nothing to knock on, so I proceeded to quietly call, “Kylo Ren?”

No response. I bit my lip. I could just walk in there, couldn’t I?

“Kylo Ren?” I called again.

He answered this time, sounding fed-up and irritated as usual. “What is it?”

I held my breath for a moment. “May I come in?”

“If you must.”

I made my way through the entrance faster than I wanted to, nearly stumbling as I careened inside. But he had let me in, and I could feel the warmth of the fire even outside the tent.

He was maskless, dressed in a pair of simple black clothes. He still had his boots on, but his hands were free of the gloves. He peered over at me, and when I drew closer, he narrowed his eyes.

“What on Kriff happened to you?” It wasn’t a caring question; I could only sense judgement and disappointment in his tone. I missed the way he felt when he held my hand, how gentle he became.

I gulped, huddling nearer to the fire, and pulled the cloak tighter. “I.... I wanted to go for a walk, and I slipped... into a creek.”

“You slipped?” He questioned menacingly, raising an eyebrow. I could only bite my lip and nod. He let out a deep sigh and motioned to me, allowing me to sit on a chair opposite to him.

“Warm yourself up,” he told me. “I don’t feel like training a new apprentice all over again.”

The comment should have stung. But it didn’t.

I didn’t get to see his face clearly until then, and I also didn’t realize until then that I had missed it. His youthful, perfect, beautiful face. I felt my heart race at the thought, and I had to draw my eyes away from him from revealing my red cheeks. I had seen him only last night, but only in a haze of confused emotions and dim starlight.

“You’ve done well.”

The comment made me surprised, and I looked up to see if he wore a smirk, just to trick me. But his face was calm, his eyes gazing into the fire. The glow illuminated off his eyes, turning the hazel a brilliant golden brown. It seemed genuine. I hadn’t expected him to act like this again after I had ruined our night two days before.

He took a deep breath and leaned back. “You’re fighting skills with a fake saber are still sloppy, however, and you need to work on your hand-eye coordination. You are also easily frightened, and you still show mercy where you need to show strength.”

I chewed the inside of my cheek, letting my brows furrow. Way to compliment a girl.

“But you’re stronger then you were. You are gaining control over your abilities.”

It was all I needed to hear. “Thank you,” I said softly.

“Do you need another cloak?” He questioned, looking my way, his eyes gazing at my dripping outfit.

Suddenly self-conscious under his eyes, remembering the warmth of his palm, I touched the cloak, still feeling the soaked material. “Um, no, it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m good, I don’t need one.”

Whatever generous demeanor he had just shown me vanished, and a dark look fell over his face. “And you talk too much.”

My lip curled up. “If I may, I haven’t had anyone else to talk to for weeks. I wouldn’t say you’re the easiest person to be around.”

My sassy reaction hit a mark in him, and he wrung his hands together. “You have the droid. I’m not your friend. I’m your master.”

I scoffed, suddenly feeling confident now that I felt warmer, and I could see his face. I still most certainly could not beat him in hand-to-hand combat, let alone a duel, but I could feel my courage rising.

“Well... I’m your apprentice, not Hux or one of your generals. Don’t throw out all your anger and rage on me. I _don’t care_.” Even after I said it, I regretted it. I did care, even if I didn’t understand.

He leaned forward, his hazel eyes burning into mine. “You have quite a temper for someone I could strike down in a second.”

I remembered the way his hand felt, the way he would look at me with those soft hazel eyes like I was the only other person in the galaxy. All my feelings of betrayal and heartache were coming at me full force, and I welcomed them.

“Then do it,” I pressed, narrowing my eyes at him. I didn’t want him to really kill me... after keeping me alive for so long, I knew he wouldn’t try it, not like this. But I felt the need to push him, to get my own way. Anything for him to see that I wasn’t somebody for him just to use or push around. I wanted to see that different side to him too, the one he didn’t show anyone, the kind one. The boy I saw in my visions. Anything for him to see that somehow, in a crazy, twisted way, I cared about him.

He rose to his feet, extending his hand and beckoning his saber to his palm. As soon as it touched his fingers it ignited, the fiery, uncontrollable blade sparking to life. It crackled and spat, a reflection of what I felt like Kylo’s own emotions were. His eyes were fire, wild and untrained.

I did the same, extending my hand and catching the fake lightsaber I trained with. It wasn’t much, but it could deflect a real lightsaber’s blows. It was my only option. He came forward, throwing himself over the fire and slashing down on my blade. I deflected, pushing him back so I could remove the dripping cloak. My nightclothes were still drenched, but something about the fire in my veins kept me warm.

He stalked for a moment, scanning me up and down as I spun my own saber at my side, holding it tight with two hands.

“What are you waiting for?” I taunted. “Maybe I _should_ have gone to Snoke.”

I knew it was a low blow, but my painful emotions were beginning to blind me, and it was somewhat satisfying to see the fire ignite in his eyes.

Kylo Ren struck again, and I deflected, hitting his fiery, crackling lightsaber. He kept yelling everytime he struck, piercing my ears. I spun, accidently crashing into one of the shelving units and sending it tumbling. Kylo Ren careened out of the way, and stalked after me again, his grip tight on the lightsaber. He struck again, and I saw my chance. As I blocked his move, I kicked a small chair out against his legs, causing him to stumble. I yelled, out of both fury and anguish, and sent him reeling backwards to the floor. He landed with a loud grunt, his saber nearly hitting his chest. I raced forward, planting a foot on his chest, the other digging into his shoulder, and raising my fake lightsaber to strike his neck.

But he deflected, and held his saber’s blade against mine, dangerously close to his neck. He had one hand trapped under my leg, and although I knew he could easily lift me, he didn’t.

I narrowed my eyes, feeling rage burst through my veins, feeling the anguish of feeling lost and alone and scared of what I would become and what I would do. Anguish over losing my family and my home and anguish over what Kylo Ren could have been... if he had never turned. Anguish for what could have been if he wasn’t a jerk and I wasn’t so afraid.

Now I was just angry at the Dark Side, for taking him, for Snoke seducing his way into his life. For my parents lying to me for my entire life and never getting to use my abilities fully.

“You’re so _selfish_!” I growled through tears. “I wanted to be there with you, I did!”

I bent down more, bearing my teeth, looking straight into Kylo’s eyes. His were not narrowed, like usual, instead, wide eyed staring back at me. Was he fearful? Was that the glint I saw in his face?

His own lightsaber was dangerously close to his neck, the color reflecting red off his face and neck, the blade licking at his skin. I bent further, not trying to kill him, but I felt such emotion in my body, and I was blind to it.

Then I felt such pain, a seering, white-hot pain that flashed in front of my eyes. But it wasn’t my own. The blade had touched his neck, just lightly, and my mind came back to me. I flung off him, chucking my fake lightsaber off of my hand as I landed on my backside beside him. I panted hard, feeling my whole body shaking, realizing what I had almost done.

He turned his lightsaber off, laying it next to him. He was breathing hard too, his gaze on the ceiling of the tent. I saw him go to touch his neck, his fingers just brushing, and his jaw tightened. He didn’t show me his pain, but I had felt it, just when the saber touched his neck. Like it was my own.

I suddenly felt intense fear in my body, and all confidence and rage had faded away. I had nearly killed him, let the rage and anguish I felt guide my actions instead of my own mind.

“Kylo...” I breathed out, just a whisper, scared that even if he heard the slightest sound from me, he would strike me down.

He sat up slowly, reattaching his saber to his belt, and standing to his feet. His jaw was still tight, and I could see the red burn the saber had left on his neck. He was looking straight ahead of him, his hand resting above the saber. I bowed my head, not ready for whatever came next, but not wanting to look at him when he killed me.

But the strike never came. I never felt the blow across my neck.

Instead, it was gentle, a soft pressure on the space between my neck and shoulder.

His hand was on my shoulder. His bare hand.

I tried not to stiffen, to hide the growing emotions that were swirling in my chest.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I let my emotions get to me. I’m just... so confused with everything. With you and me and what’s happening between us.” It’s like I couldn’t get the words out fast enough, and I couldn’t stop.

“A-and I know I’m not the apprentice you want me to be and that’s fine, because at this point I’m done trying to be your perfect pupil. Because I can’t be that. I’ll never be that.”

There was a long pause between us, me bent on my knees, Kylo Ren’s hand on my shoulder. Then he spoke, quiet amidst the destruction we had caused.

“I provoked you, and you performed exactly how I had trained you to.”

I turned out of his grasp, standing to my full height, which wasn’t that tall, and facing the ground. “But I shouldn’t have spoken out.”

He was quick to respond this time. “You used your emotions to heighten your attacks. It’s what I’ve been trying to teach you. I would have killed someone else... but you keep me on guard.”

My brows furrowed, and I lightly shook my head in confusion. I glanced over at him, trying to meet his eyes that were half-hidden by his sweaty hair.

“What do you mean?” I knew it was a provoking question, and I could stir up his anger again.

Kylo Ren raised his head, his burning eyes meeting mine. But they were soft, and tired. He looked like he did when we would leave the rock at night, too tired to say anything except offer each other lingering glances. I noticed then that there were spots on his shirt, water droplets from my wet clothes. I had barely noticed the dampness of it on my own skin.

“I only push you so hard because I don’t want you dead,” he began slowly, taking a deep, shaky breath. “Not on my hand, and certainly not on Snoke’s. You mean much more to me than you realize.” It’s like the words were out before he realized, because I noticed the surprise in his own eyes.

I felt my chest tremble with every breath I took.

“I wasn’t trying to push you off the rock,” I said softly. “You have to know that.”

That night I was scared I would never see him vulnerable again, never see him look so gently into my eyes like he was doing now.

“I know,” he said, his softness matching my own.

I blinked and looked away momentarily, trying to hide the fact that I felt like I was on the breaking point, and he was about to push me over the edge.

“I...” I took a deep breath and started again. “I _liked_ being with you. Like that.” I watched his eyes flutter over my face, wordless before me. So I kept talking. “I waited for you the other night and you never came.”

“I know.”

“Then you can understand why I’m upset... why I... lashed out.”

“Yes.”

_Kriff. Can he ever say more than a few words at a time?_

“Just because I didn’t come doesn’t mean I don’t feel the same way.”

It felt like my heart stopped.

My lips parted, and I took a deep breath. “What... what do you feel?”

His eyes narrowed slightly, and kept flickering between my eyes, and something else. It took me a minute to realize it, but he was looking at my lips.

_He wants to kiss me._

I felt shivers go up my arms and legs. No one had ever looked at me like that.

Then his lips parted, and his face went soft again, and I expected him to race over and grab my face. But he didn’t.

Instead, he took a soft step forward, then another one, until he was practically over me. His face hovered high over mine, just like that first week when I had seen his face for the first time. Both his hands took my right one, encasing it in his large palms. He then brought my hand to his clothed chest, and laid my palm flat against it, keeping it secure with his hands. I could feel his heartbeat, steady and strong.

“That’s what I feel,” he said, his voice a whisper.

I didn’t understand at first. It took me a moment, but when it hit me, I broke into tears, holding my one hand over my eyes.

I made him feel alive, maybe perhaps for the first time in a very long time. He had a sense that he was actually a living, breathing being, not just a tortured man in a metal mask. He knew it once, perhaps, but it had been locked away. And I was the hand that helped him put in the key.

I sobbed for a long moment, overcome with emotion.

For myself. For realizing the lengths I had gone to tonight, for putting myself in danger, for nearly letting my rage kill another soul. For the powers that were still so hidden from me.

For him. For letting his guard down and letting me see this side of him again, a side that existed long ago but had been tucked away deep down.

For us. As I realized that maybe I wasn’t so alone here.

I stepped back, our contact breaking when R6 whirred curiously. Shuffling our feet, running our hands over our hair, I had never thought I would feel so self-conscious in front of Kylo Ren. Or that he would be too. I snuck a glance at him, at the face that I.... loved? No, I didn’t love him. I don’t know what I felt anymore.

He was the first one to speak, loudly clearing his throat.

“I need to get to sleep. You can sleep on a cot in here. It’s too cold out.”

He had returned to his old ways faster than I thought possible, so I simply thanked him and nodded, watching as his gaze lingered on my face.

“I’m sorry,” I found myself whispering.

“Me too.”

. . . .

“Kriff! That one hurt!”

I watched as Kylo swiveled the fake lightsaber in his hand, looking too cocky for his own good. I stretched out my fingers, shaking my hand from the smack he had given me. The fake lightsabers weren’t dangerous, but they stung on impact.

“Just wait until you get shot with a _real_ blaster,” Kylo mocked, and I could sense a hint of amusement in his voice.

“ _Psycho,”_ I muttered under my breath. “I hope that isn’t anytime soon.”

When he turned, slowly stalking me, I could see the burn on his neck from his own lightsaber. The one I had given him. I wondered momentarily if it would scar, a twin to the one that seared his face.

I swung at him again, feeling the impact of the fake lightsabers ripple down my arm, and Kylo was quick to smack the side of my knee while I was recovering my balance. I hissed and threw him a sneer.

“Sloppy with your moves today, Typhrene. Something bothering you?”

_Just you. You and everything you’re making me feel, the things I don’t want to feel._

I wanted to shout at him, kiss him, or something in between. But I could only clench my jaw and swing at him, catching his defense.

“I was cold after last night.”

“Oh.”

Kylo swung at me again, and I blocked, stomping on my heels to push him back.

“Hold up,” Kylo said, his gaze leaving me. Furrowing my brows, I went to swing at him again, but even without looking at me he caught my blade.

“Hey, hold-“

_Smack!_

My blade collided with his arm, and as Kylo growled, his hand went to grab my saber.

“Hey!”

“ _Shut up!_ ” Kylo hissed, narrowed eyes meeting mine. I froze, seeing the way his eyes flickered over my head, the way he practically perked to attention. Kylo often did things to leave me distracted, to make me put my guard down, but something was different about this. Something was wrong.

Slowly turning, I followed his line of vision to the trees, where I only saw trunks and foliage. I felt him move behind me. He took a few steps forward, coming shoulder to shoulder with me, although with his massive height, I had to tilt my head to look up at him.

His brows were furrowed, his eyes narrowed in concentration as he looked beyond the tree line. I saw his lips part, and the way he hesitantly tilted down to me, passing me the fake saber.

“Get back to camp.”

“What? Why?” I whispered back.

“Just go.” His hushed voice sounded nearly frantic. “I’ll meet you back there.”

I felt sudden fear rise in my throat. “Kylo, what’s going on? How-“

His eyes, a wild glow of amber and gold, blazed into mine. “Go, Nelle, _now._ ”

I was about to say something else, or sprint the other direction, but a loud snap in the woods caught both of our attention. Taking one step back, I watched the tree line, my heart beat starting to race as I could see the swaying of distant tree limbs, the ever approaching sound of crushed undergrowth. A flash of tawny and beige skin in the form of a huge creature barreled towards us, and I only felt Kylo’s hand on my shoulder, tossing me out of the way.

My adjacent shoulder skimmed dirt and sand just as the creature collided with Kylo, sending him sprawling halfway across the clearing. Shoving myself to my feet, pain shooting up my arm, I blinked past my blurring vision to look at the creature.

It was massive, a beige-skinned cat nearly half the height of a tree. Powerful muscles rippled under its skin, long legs with spear-like claws that grazed the ground as it prowled towards Kylo. Its face was hidden from me for the moment, but when it swiveled it’s head, I could see rows of snarling teeth and strange tusks protruding from the bottom of its jaw.

Kylo, on the other hand, was struggling to stand from the ground, pushing himself on his hands, but even from the distance, I could see the way his arms trembled. His hair fell over his face, and I could see the way his mouth twisted in pain.

I hadn’t seen him look so weak in all my time of knowing him, and a sudden part of me, greater than my hatred for Kylo Ren, the First Order, Snoke, all of it, made me stumble towards him.

Maybe I should have let the cat get him, claw him apart until he knew what it was like for every person he had ever killed. He didn’t deserve my kindness, or my help, not the Kylo Ren he poisoned himself as, the one that had abused me aboard the Finalizer, the one that mocked and challenged me on this planet.

But perhaps the man under the mask he wore did.

The man that made my heart fumble in my chest when he would compliment my progress, the one who had kept me from Snoke, the one who was helping me understand my own abilities, who I _really_ was. The one whose hand had found my own in the dark of the night.

Gripping my fake lightsaber hard, I started to walk towards them, watching the way the huge cat prowled with its head hung and jaws dripping with saliva.

“Hey!” I yelled, adjusting my grip and holding the saber in front of me. Using my free hand, I chucked a rock as hard as I could, watching it bounce off the cat’s flank. It let out a low growl, barely flinching at the impact, and swiveled it’s nasty head to me. Deep amber eyes flooded into my vision, and I watched as its lip curled back, growling so loud I could feel it in my chest.

“Nelle!” Kylo’s voice had never sounded so scared.

I blocked it, the shouts he was using to try and divert the cat’s attention, the way he tried stumbling to his feet.

_I’m trying to save you, idiot!_

The cat prowled forward, and then ran full speed at me, sending me stumbling to the side as it ran past. It was fast, but I was faster, and with its huge girth and stance, it was clumsy running past me, and I clipped its shoulder with the fake saber. I heard the sting of the weapon against skin, but it wasn’t enough to hurt it immensely. Snarling, the cat whipped back around, long tail lashing in all directions.

I turned, running as fast as I could to Kylo, grabbing his arm to heave him to his feet. There was an astonished look on his face, like no one in his life had ever come to save him, but I didn’t dwell on it.

“Get up!” I yelled, panicking. The sabers we had were no use against the cat, and Kylo had left his own real saber back at camp, so I did the only thing I could think of, something I was good at.

Running.

Hearing Kylo hiss in pain, I swept a wavering glance back at the cat before sprinting off into the trees. While my hand had usually been in Kylo’s, running to safety with him, I now found that I was the one hauling him along. There was something wrong with his ankle, as well as growing bruises along his face and neck, so he stumbled behind me.

Twigs and rocks caught under my feet, but I pushed on with heaving breaths, determined only by the sounds of the huge cat crashing in the trees behind us. I was thankful once for the thick undergrowth, and the way it slowed the creature down. Kylo was close behind me, panting in a way I never had heard from him before.

“Nelle, watch out!”

A sudden flash of fur in my peripheral view and I shoved Kylo out of the way, just like he had done for me, just as the cat clipped my leg. Sprawling, I flipped back over, feeling the scratch down my leg, under my leggings. With one push, I pulled myself back up, stumbling forward with just enough time to dodge another attack.

_Splash!_

Water hit my skin at every angle, dragging my clothes down and causing the fake saber to fall from my trembling hands. Spluttering, I clawed my way to the surface, coughing up water as I realized where I had fallen from.

It hadn’t been a long fall, thankfully, and in the few moments I had to check myself, I wasn’t injured from it. From here, I could see the river flowing away from the deep pool I wafted in, disappearing in a zigzag pattern through the trees.

I heard the cat yowl, echoing through the trees around me, and made a mad dash for the bank. My legs were trembling, and every bone in my body told me to give up, but I couldn’t.

_Where in Kriff was he?_

I hadn’t realized the fear that raced through me except when I thought of Kylo. Of all the people in the galaxy, I suddenly realized how scared I was of losing him.

Clawing my way to the dirt, I wheezed, pushing myself to stand and peering through the undergrowth for Kylo. Bushes quivered to the right of me and I dashed towards them, just making out Kylo’s mop of dark hair through the undergrowth. Pushing past ferns, I made eye contact with him, just enough to start speaking before he yelled over me.

“Nelle!” Kylo yelled, grasping my arm. I turned at the last second, sending my hand flying in the direction of the cat. It had been bowling towards us, and I summoned the last bit of Force energy I could to send it flying the other direction. I heard a painful crack and the shock of leaves falling as it collided with a nearby tree trunk, plopping limply on the ground. Stunned, I watched it rise with a low moan, hanging its head. It’s amber eyes bore into mine momentarily, a strange understanding passing between the both of us, and I watched cautiously as it lumbered off from view, limping on two of its legs.

When I couldn’t sense the creature, I turned and practically slammed against Kylo, feeling him stumble to catch me. Feeling him breathe beneath me, feeling how warm he was, made tears spring to my eyes. My one hand was fisted in the shirt material bunched around his chest while the other held my own stomach, wheezing for breath. Kylo hadn’t moved, but I could sense his hands hovering beside me.

When the embarrassment finally hit, I collapsed, the leaves on the forest floor suddenly feeling comforting. I let my head rest on a fallen tree, clutching my stomach as I wheezed. The Force throw had nearly made me black out, and I pushed heavy breaths back into my lungs. I felt Kylo’s presence next to me, hearing him collapse on his hands.

It was quiet for a long moment as I let the oxygen flow through my body, feeling the way my clothes stuck to my skin. It was evening, and the sun was beginning to fade, and I couldn’t help but notice the chill starting to creep up my body. The only warmth I felt was the blood coating the scratch on my leg. When I glanced at it, I knew it wasn’t serious, but I needed to clean it up.

Slowly tilting my head, I looked drowsily at Kylo. To my surprise, his eyebrows were narrowed, and he was looking over my face with such intensity it frightened me.

“What were you _thinking?_ ” He sounded angry, angrier than I’d ever heard him.

Furrowing my brows, I replied, “What do you think I was thinking? I saved your life. At the very least you could be a little grateful.”

“How could you be so stupid?”

Fiery, I gaped. “What?”

“You’ve never fought anyone and you thought you could fight a creature like _that?_ ”

“What did you expect me to do?!” When he didn’t answer, I growled, “Well I fought it off, didn’t I? You just laid there and didn’t do anything. _I_ was the one who chose to go after it.”

I knew it was a low blow, and that he was probably more hurt than he let on, but the anger was becoming too much.

“You could’ve been killed.”

“Well I wasn’t, okay?! I was trying to save you!”

Kylo groaned and ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t look harmed for the most part, but his ankle was still twisted at a strange angle.

“Why did you do that?”

I shrugged, feeling water splatter on my shoulders from my soaked hair. “I don’t know... I couldn’t just let you die.”

“Why did you _save me?_ You could have left me there. You could have let it kill me. But you didn’t.”

I blinked.

Had he actually thought I cared so little that I would leave him to _die?_ That I would have stood by willingly and watched him be torn apart?

It struck me then how little he must have thought of himself. Why else would he be asking me, with such great confusion and uncertainty, as to why I saved his life? Why I chose to risk mine to save him?

“I... I couldn’t watch you die,” was all I said. It felt like all I could say, not to reveal how absolutely terrified I had been of losing him. The thought made hot tears spring to my eyes, and I looked straight ahead into the forest, hoping he didn’t see.

“You’ve been saying for months now that you hate me. I’ve seen how much you don’t want this,” Kylo said, and I could hear how desperate he suddenly sounded. “So why didn’t you leave me there to die? You could have been free from this. From everything.”

I whipped to face him, not caring if he saw my tears now.

“And that’s what you would have wanted?! For me to leave you there and have that monster rip you apart?” I yelled, watching how his eyes widened when he saw my face. “I don’t let people die, Kylo! Not if I can do something about it. I couldn’t save Strilla but I could save you!” My best friend’s face flashed in my mind, bringing on angry tears. “It doesn’t matter what this is... I wouldn’t have let you die either way.”

We stared at each other for what felt like a lifetime, studying the others expression, daring the other to make the first move, to explain what was really going on behind our words.

“What was that thing anyway?” I grumbled, trying to change the subject.

“A Tusk cat,” Kylo said, facing forward.

“Will it come after us again? Will there be more of them?”

Kylo shook his head. “I wouldn’t think so. I’ll have some troopers come down anyway and scout the area.”

I watched his gaze flicker to the ground, to my leg, and back up to my face.

“Your leg.”

“I know. It’s fine.”

“You’re still bleeding. We need to get back.” I watched him try to stand, awkwardly grasping the tree trunk.

“What about your leg?”

He cast a quick glance down. “I think it’s just dislocated. Or strained. Come on.”

His hand was outstretched towards me, the hand that I had grabbed onto for so many nights. I gulped, eyeing him up and down before he helped me to my feet. The adrenaline wearing off, I now felt the pain lace up my leg from the nasty scratch, trying not to put any weight on it. I stumbled slightly, catching myself on Kylo’s arms, my body colliding to his momentarily before I pushed myself back up, hands resting on his arms.

“Sorry,” I murmured. He only shook his head, and held out one arm for me to hold onto while we limped back to the camp. 


End file.
